A Piece of Peace

Happy Birthday Mom!

I had some BIG firsts this last week. I had my first Birthday without Terik. I turned "40". Isn't "40" suppose to be a very hard birthday anyway? My husband and I went on our first Vacation as a couple together. Usually Terik would help Grandma babysit and keep everyone under control while we were away. It was so weird and emotionally difficult to come home and not have him there, telling us all the details of what occurred while we were away. My birthday was very difficult but not for the reasons one would think.  It was bizarre, but maybe somewhat nice, to not even think or worry one bit about turning "40".  I guess there were too many other important or painful things to think about.  However, there were many sweet and happy moments in my day. I had soooo many "Happy Birthday" wishes, cards, and gifts from friends and family. It was great to celebrate with my sweet family and my amazing sister Stacee and her adorable daughter Breckle. They came to take care of my kids while Troy and I went on our Trip to Washington. Troy surprised me with a weekend getaway; I had no idea he had planned it until the night before. It was very sweet of him to get airplane tickets, a rental car, a place to stay, arrange babysitting, and keep all of it a surprise, which he knows I LOVE!!!

Whale Watching

We went on a whale watching excursion and saw 3 humpback whales. It was an awesome experience but also one laced with pain. Our last trip that we went on with Terik included a whale and dolphin excursion. I thought of how much he enjoyed it. He always loved Dolphins since the time he was little. He even had an undersea bedroom (by his choice) fully equipped with 4 dolphins,which remained until he felt he was too old to have such things anymore (probably 13 years old). I hope somehow that he was able to be with us on our adventure and experience it again. We stayed in a gorgeous beach house overlooking the ocean, watched sunsets each night and slept with the sound of the crashing waves. It was marvelous to get away and have a few moments to relax and enjoy each others company. After we got home Troy and I talked about how we usually go on a trip to escape and forget the troubles of life for a few days. It was difficult because this trip wasn't like that. You can't just escape the kind of hardships we are currently experiencing.

This morning I turned to the Scriptures. I needed help. I wanted to know where the phrase was that people kept telling me over and over again throughout my life. "God will never give you a trial greater than you can handle."  Before I started reading,  I prayed that God would help me to feel the spirit, and that I would find peace, hope, and answers. Within minutes of studying the Bible, I read...

Matthew 5:3-9
3 Yea, blessed are the "poor in spirit" who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 And again, blessed are all they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
5 And blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
6 And blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost.
7 And blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
8 And blessed are all the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
9 And blessed are all the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.

I wondered at the wording of "poor in spirit". I cross-referenced this phrase that brought me to...

3 Nephi 12:3 (which had almost the exact wording in it)

Find Rest

Also D&C 56:18  "Blessed are the poor who are pure in heart, whose hearts are broken, and whose spirits are contrite, for they shall see the kingdom of God coming in power and great glory unto their deliverance; for the fatness of the earth shall be theirs."

I felt that this was an answer to my question, worry, and misunderstanding that I've had all my life. But, especially since Terik passed away. As Christians we hear all the time that if we will just turn to God that our trials will be taken, we will find true happiness and joy. This used to ring true to me and was a comfort to me in times when I felt very low. But ever since Terik passed away this has become a sharp knife; a dagger to my heart. I have wondered, "how can this be? How come when Terik was turning to God, seeking his help, he did not receive relief from his "poor spirit" (deep depression)?" I thought of how hard Terik strove each day to draw close to the Lord. After he received his patriarchal blessing, he read, reread, highlighted, and cross referenced it to the scriptures. This is more than I have ever done in the 24 years since I received my own patriarchal blessing. Terik always set lots of goals, read his scripture's, said his prayers, reminded us to do Family night, and put positive quotes and scriptures up in his room to help him remember the things that were important to him. He worked harder than most anyone I know, and definitely any teenager I've ever met. This is why the belief that we will have a "feeling of perfect love, peace, and a fullness of joy, if we are turning to Christ", kept bothering me so much. I believe Terik was the epitome of turning to Christ.  I felt as I read these scriptures they were speaking directly  to me about Terik! He was "poor of spirit"  heavy, broken, and depressed. Yet he was the most pure in heart person I have ever known. His heart was broken and his spirit was contrite. He would always mourn with those that were struggling in any way, including his own mother (especially in the few months right before he passed away). He was meek, humble, kind. He always hungered and thirsted after righteousness. He was merciful towards everyone. He gave instantaneous forgiveness. He would forgive his parents, siblings, and friends quickly, even if we didn't ask for it or deserve it. I never heard him speak an ill word towards another person and I don't think he had an enemy in the world. He was a peacemaker in our home. Yes, he had his moments of frustration with his siblings, but would quickly say sorry and start to do something fun or silly to make them laugh and have fun. He wanted everyone to be happy and would even sacrifice his own happiness to help someone else. If I had to find one phrase that defined Terik's character most perfectly, it would be "Pure in Heart".

A Child's Prayer

All of these scriptures speak peace to my soul. Why? Well it is two-fold. First, I believe Terik embodied all of these qualities. He was as perfect and good a person as any I've seen.  Reading the blessings that come to those that exemplify these traits is wonderful. Any mother would rejoice in those words when they saw their children living righteous, good lives. But when your child dies from suicide it brings into question whether all these blessings will still be his. The flood of Why's? How's? Could of's? and Should of's? rush over you.  This brings me to my second reason for finding peace in these scriptures. It never mentions anywhere in the scriptures that we won't be given more than we can handle. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 and again in Alma 13:28,  it does tell us that, if we turn to God, we will have no temptation that is too large that we can not have an escape from it.  This does not speak of trials. Some people get the trial of Cancer, Diabetes, Heart conditions, and yes even Depression. Some trials are so great that there is no escape. We endure them as best we can, relying on God every step of the way. If we rely on God, then the blessings spoken of in these verses will be ours, but never fully until after we die. My sweet Terik was "Poor of Spirit". It grieves my soul to think of all he must have endured. However, knowing the difference between trials and temptations helps us to see things in a very different light. For me, just knowing the way Terik handled the trials in his life helps me to see that he will not be denied any of the blessings promised here. For this typifies all that Terik was; who he is!!! The things I've learned this morning have given me peace of mind and deeper understanding. Whether these are true principles or my own interpretation of them, I'm not sure. But it rings true in my heart and mind. This spiritual journey I took today has been an eye opening experience. It has given me a "piece of peace". Even if it's only for a moment to get me through the day.  I will take it!