I'm CRAZY, but GOD loves me

I went to my "shrink" today. Yes, I am officially CRAZY!!! I've had a really horrible few weeks and was in no mood to talk to my psychologist. I do EMDR therapy with him. EMDR therapy is a type of therapy that allows our brains to process our feelings and emotions. It helps us to use both sides of our brain, which is very hard for most of us to do. I've only had one other session, but it was wonderful. It helped me get over some of the trauma and anxiety I was feeling. Every time I saw a train, a policeman, and other triggers I had a sort of panic attack. It didn't remove these memories or feelings completely but took down the intensity significantly so that I can bear them. Doing this therapy today was actually the last thing I wanted to do. I had gone to get a massage this morning.  This left me feeling so relaxed and calm. Which was a nice reprieve from the pain and horror of seeing Terik's headstone for the first time yesterday. This afternoon  I had also gone to Elli and Mariauna's Dance Festival at school. I was having such a fun and pleasant day that I didn't want to ruin it by talking about things that would inevitably cause me sorrow. My sweet husband talked me into going to the Doctor, telling me that I needed it! :)  I had drawn a blank on what I was even going to talk to the therapist about. When I sat down he asked "How are you feeling? What would you like to work on today?" I told him I wasn't really sure. Then I said, "Well, I have been having a really hard time even coming to terms with the fact that Terik is gone. If I do feel the realism of it, it is overpowering and I try to shove it down. The pain and anguish  it causes is too intense that I can not endure it. In those moments I feel utter and total despair and I do not even want to live. I just want the pain to stop. So I either find a distraction of some kind or I start to spiral downward into a deep depression."  He then said "How about we do some EMDR work?" 

He told me to think about the hurt I felt in these moments. To focus on the part of my body I felt the pain most.  So started off thinking about the pain in my heart and chest; those feelings I felt yesterday when I went to Terik's grave and saw his beautiful headstone there. Thinking of how I fell to my knees, with my head in my hands on the wet grass and sobbed for several minutes. The pain of that moment left my chest feeling like it was on fire. I thought about how unfair it was that Terik was buried in the ground instead of at home with me, with our family. I thought about the hurt and pain and anger I was experiencing because he was dead. I felt angry at Terik, at God, at myself, and mostly just at the situation I was in. I went in and out of these emotions several times, pausing in between to talk to my doctor about the feelings I was experiencing. Each time he would have me recognize where those feelings were coming from physically within my body. It started out in my chest and a little in my stomach then moved into my throat and eventually into my shoulders. I allowed myself to feel so much that I haven't before like how I felt it was unfair that I had endured so much in my life time. I had already buried 2 children and now a 3rd that was even harder than the others. I had to endure many illnesses, surgeries, divorce, depression, infertility, and so on. I felt that I have been trying to live righteously and didn't feel I deserve to have experienced such deep pain and loss. I also felt the deep pain, agony, and anger about never being able to see Terik at the end of the day. To be able to hold his hand, give him a hug, and hear about the events of his day. I thought of the longing I have for this exchange each and every day. I realized I wanted and needed to know that God was with me, helping me. Even though my mind knew He was, that I had a multitude of angels helping me and carrying me, I felt like I couldn't feel them or recognize their presence.  I thought about the fact that I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, seeking for peace and comfort, and how I felt I was not receiving it. I felt it was very unfair, that after all I was doing, why could I not receiving the blessing I desired? I thought about the picture of the angels lifting up the woman. I thought,"I know God wanted me to have this picture. He wanted me to know that there are angels helping me." If it is true then why can I not feel it or tell they're there? I then faced my deep fear that my other children might have the same fate as Terik. I had lost 3 children. What if I loose a 4th? 

I wanted absolute assurance that this would not happen. I wanted reassurance that Terik's soul is saved, that I would make it through this pain, and that one day it would subside. I could not feel peace in any of these things. I then began to worry that I would not be able to help my children enough; that I would not be able to be there in the ways they would need me to. I also felt deep remorse that I was not able to be there for Terik the way he needed me. I wish that I could go back in time and know what I know now and be able to fix it. I want to make it as if he had never died. To give him relief from his depression and from his mortal pain and anguish. I thought about how unfair it is that we have time to repent and make right almost every other sin or mistake. Why can't I repent of this mistake and have Terik back? God has all power, couldn't he just let me repent? Turn back the clock 3 months? Let me try to help Terik again? I'm sure I could do better this time! The anguish and pain of this reality, of my failure, the inability to never be able to change the outcome of my mistakes and my lack of experience, was more than I could stand. I began to cry uncontrollably. I am not sure how long I cried, but it felt like 10 or 15 minutes. Through my tears and sobs I told the doctor, "I can't do this anymore. I'm stuck in my thoughts and it hurts too much. I can't proceed." 

He then told me I needed to go back to that hurt and pain. To that moment where I felt stuck. This time, however, I should think of a person in my life that helped me to feel comforted and safe? I chose my grandmother and the Savior. I imagined them there with me in the deep despair that I felt.  I could see myself standing in front of that train, crumpled up in a heap on the ground. I was sobbing over Terik's body. I told my grandma and the Savior that I had failed him. That I wanted to fix it. I wanted to help him and bring him back, but I felt helpless. I wrapped one arm around my grandma and the other around the Savior. They helped me up as my head hung low. I felt drained and heavy. They told  me "you do not have to fix this. You do not have to carry it or change it." Then the Savior said to me "I have already carried your burdens and Terik's for you.  Let me hold you, and let me carry this burden." I then had the realization that He was standing behind me with both arms stretched out straight to his sides, like a cross. I laid my arms over His, with my back to him, as if I was on the cross myself. I was hanging lifeless, bruised, and broken. My head hung low and I felt I could stand no more. So I didn't. I went completely limp. But, instead of falling to the ground again I felt the strength of the Savior; His Body being the Cross that held me up. My head still hung low and my feet dangled. I starting to feel the pain subside as my cross became easier to bear. He said, "I will carry you through this life. I will never leave you. I never left Terik, and I never will. I've carried both your burdens and you are both forgiven." I then looked down and noticed that my grandmother was kneeling at my feet, hugging and holding onto my legs. She was telling me she loved me, and that she was so sorry I was hurting so much. She told me she would take care of my boy for me. She walked over to where Terik's body lay in front of the train. She told me, "This is not Terik. He is not here in this physical dwelling anymore. He has been freed." I saw her lift Terik's spirit and then take him by the hand. They started floating upwards towards heaven. My grandma continually reassured me as they ascended that she would always be with him, that she would take care of him.  I continued to watch them until they became so small that I could not see them anymore. After this experience, that had taken place in my mind, I felt such an amazing peace. This was such a sharp contrast from the pain that I had felt just moments earlier.

I didn't want it to end. I wanted to stay there and bask in the peace and love I felt in that moment. After a few minutes I opened my eyes with a new hope and faith that I could carry on. That with the Savior's help I could endure to the end. Wow!!! I am so grateful for this experience. I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father who sacrificed his Son so willingly so that I can be saved and redeemed from the fall. I'm grateful to the Savior who helps me through the pains of this life. 

I love you my Terik. I will try to set you free into the arms of the Savior, and into the arms of my grandmother. I know she loves us both. I will let her be you're nurturer and caregiver until I see you again. Thank you grandma! Thank you Jesus! Thank you for loving 

and helping us!