Happy "18th" Birthday Terik

My body is so heavy. Am I suffocating? I feel I can't breath. I guess my body must still be doing it somehow. I hear the gasping sound of air escaping my lungs but can't imagine there could possibly be enough oxygen going in to sustain life. I still can not believe he is gone. I look at all these pictures of him surrounding me. All the paintings, clothes, keys, smells, sunsets, flowers... the list goes on and on. All these things tell me he is here. He will be home any minute.  I find comfort in my denial, pretending so I can feel him near me. Then, BAM, it hits me like a cement wall. He is gone. Really, wholly, and completely gone. I only allow the idea, the absolute obscurity of it, to stay but a moment because it is too much to bear. Too hard to carry. In those few seconds I feel like I'm waking up slowly, very slowly from a sleep. A horrible nightmare.  Then I quickly close my eyes and fall back asleep to the bliss of my ignorance. So, I guess in truth I'm living a dream and having moments of nightmares along the way.

Today is Terik's  birthday. It's been one of those days where I keep trying to live a dream, a dream that is nonexistent.  I have seen several awakenings today and it hurts. I hate it. 

"Breakfast in Bed"

My words to Terik:  

   

Happy "17th" Birthday

I wanted to wake up this morning and bring you breakfast in bed. The way every birthday should start.  Being awakened to the sound of your family belting out " Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear Terik. Happy Birthday to you!" Then you would get all red in the face, smile, and give me a hug. You'd try to pretend that you were too old, too grown up for this. But I know that deep down you still loved it and looked forward to it.  I'd then watch as you opened one small, "teaser", present to get you excited for the gifts that were yet to come. Today I didn't get to give you breakfast in bed. but I did get to give you a gift. I went to the Temple. I was able to take the name of one of our ancestors that you had researched and found. Kylee did the Baptism for her 10 days ago. I did the initiatory right before the endowment session. Sandy, Tisha and Aubre came with me. They also did the names you had researched. It was so nice to be in the Temple surrounded by those who love me.  I felt close to you, knowing that this is what you would want me to be doing today, on your birthday. This gift was not something that could be opened but it would be something that would last. A blessing and gift to someone else. That's what you always wanted your birthday to be, a day to celebrate and have fun. You wanted other people to smile.A day where everyone can feel happy and have joy, not just you. We all opened a gift from you today. Something to make us smile and feel your love for us, for we know that is what you would have wanted. The kids all squealed with delight as they got a gift, when it wasn't even their birthday. You would have loved it and beamed. I'm sure you probably did!!!

Getting a new car EXCITEMENT

We invited everyone to a balloon release celebration of your life this evening. It was a beautiful and very healing experience for everyone that was there. We wrote notes on our balloons and sent them into the sky to find there way to you. Did you get them? Did you feel our love? We read a few papers you had written for English assignments. They showed your goodness and your humor. 

The rain poured for a minute but then it cleared up and everyone just lingered, talked, hugged, told stories, and wept. I'm so grateful that all of your friends got to join together in this way to share their feelings and remembrances of you. We handed out Reese's to everyone, because they are your favorite and I know how you love to share :) Bekah took lots of pictures. She loves you and misses you. All your cousins do. Your Brother and Sisters miss you more than anything. Everyone who knows you misses you buddy.  

    

Lingering after the Balloon Release

When I came and sat down at your grave side earlier today, there were many flowers and balloons already here from people who love you and miss you. People whom you loved while you were on the earth. You reached deep into people's hearts, changed their lives, and help them in ways that no one else could have done. I know you did this for me. You've changed me and made me a better person. You've made me want to live better, to be kinder, to smile at each person I pass. To look outside myself and to ask someone "how is your day today", whether I know them or not. While I was in the temple today I had the feeling come over me, so intensely, of how sad I was. Sad that your happy optimistic attitude, your contagious laugh, your endless love for others, your smile you freely shared, and the kindness you showed to everyone, was gone. Then the thought came so clearly to my mind. "Those things are not gone. That is who he still is. He's still doing that, being that same loving, caring, charismatic, fun person and helping bring light and happiness to those around him." Even though I know your soul lives on, it brought me peace to hear these words. To envision you in that moment, with a smile on your face, helping make others happy.  I hope you can find joy in this journey that, for some reason, you could not find in this life. 

My heart will ache for you every moment of every day but I woke up feeling grateful this morning for the opportunity to have you for almost 18 years to raise you almost to adulthood. You were almost at the place where you'd be graduating from high school, going on a mission, getting married, and  having children. You would've been out on your own. Starting your own life, your own family. I would've missed you when that time came but in a very different way. 

   

All of us Miss You 

I would obviously still be able to see you, watch you, and been able to share in that daily growth and change. This can still happen,  I will just have to do it now through spiritual eyes, for your decision has been made and your future decided. Your next stage of life has come and I will have to, at some point, accept it.  I never dreamed this would be my life. I wish my dreams and visions of the future were my reality. I would love to have you next to me through every moment of my life. To hear you say again "I never want to move out mommy, I want to always live with you." Well maybe now you can. Never move out my sweet Terik.  Stay by my side. Even if we can not see you, I know you are there. I will find a way to carry on, with out you here. I will have to seek and learn how you are doing through spiritual eyes. It might be a very slow and painful growing process but I will never give up because I love you and want to feel you closer and closer each day.  Maybe this is not all bad. Maybe it will fine tune my relationship and testimony of the Savior. Maybe I will get to the other side and say thank you Terik for doing this, the hardest thing ever, so that I could find my way back. I don't know... but maybe. 

HAPPY "18th" BIRTHDAY Terik Boy!!!