Tis' the Season

Christmas is a magical time of year. Everyone has the love of neighbor and a Christ-like spirit about them. The air is crisp and children are full of Joy and Excitement! There are Santa's on every corner bringing cheer to boys and girls. The story of the glorious birth of Jesus is seen, heard, and proclaimed all around.  I have often wondered, "How could I keep this feeling of Christmas with me throughout the whole year".  I have always loved everything about the Christmas Season and Terik loved it even more than I did. This has made it even harder for me as I feel the heavy dread of each tradition lurking waiting for me to fulfill it. It weighs upon me like a chore to be accomplished rather than a pleasure to be enjoyed. I did know that Christmas would be difficult this year. I had warned myself and prepared for it even but unfortunately I didn't understand, not in the ways I'm experiencing it anyway. I expected the day of Christmas to not be filled with the same excitement as years past and I expected that there would be that hole in my heart, aching and burning. However, I never thought about the thousand other things that would be effected. All the things that go along with, "Tis'", the Season.  Some of the most simple things that always brought a smile to my face are now the very things that send daggers into my heart. I've heard that sometimes our greatest joys are also our greatest sorrows.

The Christmas Pickle

Here is a small example... The pickle that sits on my shelf. I didn't realize it would bring me to tears every time I walked past it. The pickle is a newer tradition that we had adopted. The idea is that it is hidden in the Christmas tree on Christmas eve,  then in the morning everyone searches for it. Whomever finds it gets to open the first present of Christmas.  They then get to choose one for someone else. It was an exciting new addition to our list of traditions. Everyone loved it. Terik found the pickle last year and whenever I see it there, waiting to be hid, I think of the excitement on his face after everyone searched for it for a good 5 minutes and he yelled "I FOUND IT".  I see it sitting there and the tears begin to flow, while thinking... "How do we hide the pickle? How do we do it without him here to help us find it? Why does it seem that the world has stopped for me? Everyone else seems like they are moving about so quickly. How did the world not stop spinning for them? We can't have Christmas without Terik!!! It will never be the same. He made it so fun for all of us. I have to do it for my kids. I have to make it as fun as I can." So I wipe off my tears, stick out my chin, and press forward. This is just one of many examples.

Temple Square : SLC, UT

We went to see the lights at Temple Square in SLC, another annual tradition, and it felt colder than normal. We all could feel the sadness of his absence but at the same time I had a tender thing happen. I noticed all the lights in the trees seemed brighter than normal. It made me wonder if Terik was there with us after all.

Tis' the Season to be with Family, Tis' the Season to be Jolly, Tis' the Season to build snowmen, drink hot chocolate, sit by the fireplace and read a Christmas story, reenact the Saviors birth, dress up as Joseph or be a shepherd, to have Parties, be with friends, do a kind deed, decorate a gingerbread house, make a treat for the neighbors, and did I mention.... be with family? Terik's absence is tangible in everything we see, hear, feel, and do. Even in the foods we eat. Nothing tastes as sweet and with every bite I'm wondering... "Does Terik miss this food, does he wish he could have a little bite?"

We know that we will be with Terik again someday. We do not waver in our conviction of this, it's just that the waiting is long and the loneliness is very hard. I want to be real here and say that this is the hardest month I have had since month 1. He really should be here! It has been snowing here everyday this week and I know that it is for me. He is trying to tell me, "Look Mom, I'm not so far, look all around you, you will see me." I have always loved the snow but I love it even more now. The fresh fallen snow feels like a big blanketed hug that is covering me and comforting me. It is so pure and white and it makes everything else glitter and glow. As I have been trying to find my balance these last several weeks I have felt such a myriad of emotions. Guilt for not feeling happier, for not letting this season be everything it has been in the past,  for not being able to be 100% for my children, for not helping others more and for 1,000 other things. Sadness for myself, my children, and all of Terik's family and friends who also miss him. Despair, wondering if things will ever feel "Normal" again. Weakness, because I can't pull it together.  Gratitude for a Savior who loved me enough to come to this retched world and take upon Himself the pains of all mankind.  He has made the sting of death bearable. I can not even imagine the pain I would feel if it were not for Him.  With Christ we can do all things and most important to me is the miracle of getting to be with my loved ones again. Blessed be the name of the most high God for sending us His Only Begotten Son. This truly Tis' the season to Praise Him, love Him, and thank Him for everything.
I know all these things as truth and yet the emotions and confusion of 100's of other feelings overpower me, too often. Then last night I heard this song by Hilary Weeks and it made me realize that I needed to relax, love, and allow myself the same courtesy I would allow anyone else. Just listen.... You will see what I'm trying to say.

I love this heart wrenching and tender song by Hilary Weeks. I also love you all.
Thank you for allowing me to cry. Sometimes alone and sometimes with you. Thank you for not trying to rush me through my grieving. I know I push myself more than anyone else does. I thought I would feel a certain way by the time Christmas came around, because it will be 10 months on Christmas Day, but for some strange reason that makes me feel worse.  I have evaluated this and decided it is because I have an expectation of what I want to feel (or should feel) by the 1 year mark and I feel 1,000 miles away from reaching that place. I have decided I need to take the advice from this song to heart and allow myself the right to Cry. Whenever, wherever and for however long I need to. I'm just going to let it out. I'm giving myself the space, love, and time I need. Thank you all for helping me on my journey and especially for helping my children when I feel I am not strong enough to do so. Thank you for your prayers of faith that we all have felt. Without all my Heavenly and Earthly Angels I would not have ever made it this far!!!
God Bless you and I truly wish you the most Heartfelt Merry Christmas!!!