Conner's Gift

A little over a month ago one of Terik's best friends brought over a gift for us, a special gift that he had been making for over 6 months. He said he wanted it to be perfect. He didn't want to give it to us until it was just right. He was leaving for College in Hawaii the next day, so he needed to finish it and give it to us before he left. It was a perfect drawing and it made all of us shed many tears as we looked at it. It was a chalk pastel drawing of Terik looking up into the eyes of the Savior as He reached out in mercy to lift Terik up. He was lifting him from the darkness, from his sorrow and his pain, ready to take him into His arms and embrace him. There is no heartache in Terik's eyes, no shame, no anger, or fear. He was at peace because he knew the Savior. Terik could feel of His love and forgiveness for all of his mistakes and sins. Terik had lived his whole life reaching to the Savior, trying to become like Him, and wanting to please Him and keep all of His commandments. I have no doubt that Terik recognized the Savior when he saw Him.
This amazing pastel bore such a strong resemblance to Terik, it was unmistakable. It was touching to me that Conner, who is a busy 18 year old, would take the time to spend hours and months on a gift for us.  He was graduating from high-school, getting ready to go to college, working. He most likely was trying to enjoy his last few months of being home before moving away, probably for the last time. I'm sure he had many things that he could have been doing. He could have found ways to busy and distract himself from the fact that he had just lost one of his very best friends,who had been his friend from the time they were 8. He could have chosen to avoid his own pain and grief of loosing Terik, but instead he did something that made him think about Terik every single day. He faced the pain and fear. I am sure that even though this was a difficult task, that in the long run it will prove to be a very healing experience for him.

    

Conner's Pastel of Terik

He brought his gift over with a letter and a big hug filled with "LOVE". I asked him if I could share his picture and some of his words here on my blog and he said, "of course".
Here is a little part of his letter where he told of his experience and what inspired him to draw this beautiful piece of artwork.

"After hearing of Terik's passing I was trying to find something happy and hopeful to hold onto. Then the image you see before you entered into my mind. I felt as if I was looking through the eyes of the Savior as He was welcoming Terik into His arms. As soon as the image faded I knew I had to do my best to recreate it."


I could feel the spirit in which Conner drew and presented this gift to us. He was humble and filled with love for Terik and for us. He also was expressing his own love and faith in the Savior Jesus Christ.


I love this picture so much that it has become a focal point in our living room. I wanted my kids input in this decision and so I gave all my girls several different options of what we should put in our living room. They chose this piece of Art.

Our living room

Conner had copies (reproductions) of this picture made for all of Terik's friends in our neighborhood. One of Teriks dear friends sent this message, along with this picture, to his mom. He is serving his mission in Maine.  His mother is one of my good friends and forwarded this onto me.

Brayden's study desk

"Connor brought over the picture he made for you the night before Brayden left on his mission.  They embraced and cried as they talked about Terik and that he would be with both of them on their journeys.  That picture is a treasure to Brayden because it represents the bond he has with both Terik and Connor and it represents the Atonement of Jesus Christ so beautifully.  I wanted you to see this picture of Brayden’s desk in his apartment in Maine where he does all his planning and studying.  That picture of Terik is front and center.  Brayden will always have a special place in his heart for one of his dearest childhood friends. I know Terik's spirit and example will help empower Brayden to boldly testify of Jesus Christ and His Atonement which covers everything!"

I am so thankful for so many wonderful friends who loved and continue to love Terik. They blessed his life and continue to bless mine. Today has been a good day. I am thankful when I have a day like today where I can feel peace and a closeness to God and my boy. 

Bread

I met an overly friendly,  kind, and well-intentioned, women in the store yesterday.  However, she opened a wound in me that I didn't know existed.  Some of my wounds are obvious because they are gaping open.  I protect and cover these sores so they can heal properly. I realize they need to be carefully cared for so they do not get infected or scabbed over, later becoming scarred. I understand that extremely deep scars cause a lot of pain that often can never be fixed with out surgery and additional, unneeded pain. 

So anyway, back to my story.  This sweet lady opened a wound, poured in salt and rubbed it around a bit. It was Saturday evening and I was buying some staples for the upcoming week; milk, bread,  eggs,  etc. I headed to the cash register and got in the shortest line I could find.  Bread was on sale so I bought 6 loaves. My well-intentioned friend, whom we will call Suzy, since we don't know her name, was standing right behind me in the line. She strikes up a conversation with me by saying "How many children do you have?"

Being caught off guard I hesitated, wondering which number to choose. Should I say 5, 7, or 4? Then as if I had run out of time, I blurted out "5".

I didn't know buying "Bread" could be so hard!

  Suzy cheerfully said, "I figured you must have a big family, with all this bread you're buying." Laughing at her own joke. "Kids eat so much don't they?"

"Yes" I replied. Then broke eye contact trying to end the conversation.

"Are any of your children teenagers?" Suzy pressed curiously.

I nodded in the affirmative.

"How many? Any boys?" She questioned.

Seriously! How much salt do you have? I thought. Another long period of silence was followed by my introspective reply,  "Yes, I have 2 teenagers.  One boy and one girl."

Suzy exclaims, "Can you believe how much teenage boys eat? I actually didn't even realize how much my Teenage son was eating until he went off to college this year. When he left our grocery bill was cut in half." Another chuckle followed. 

I looked away again, as the tears started welling up. I tried with all my might to not have a major breakdown in the middle of our local grocery store. My mind had started racing rapidly with so many questions and thoughts. "I bet her son knew Terik, and I bet she knows about his death. Terik should be starting college this year just like her son. Terik would have moved out also. He should have taken all his stuff with him. Instead his stuff is sitting in his room waiting for me to sift through it, deciding what things I can bare to part with. He would probably be coming home for Sunday dinner tomorrow, telling me all about his first week of college life. 

Anger flared up inside me.  Should I yell back at Suzy? Could I say,  "CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS?  MY SON IS DEAD! So this is a very painful and uncomfortable conversion for me!"  I knew it wasn't her fault though. She had no idea what my life entailed, about my story, or the struggles I was having just to get through a day. She was just trying to strike up pleasant conversation probably hoping to make my day a little more cheery. So I restrained myself and decided to put on my fake smile and be kind back to her instead. "Yes", I said. "It is so true. When my son left,  I quickly realized that I needed to buy less food.  Gallons of milk, bags of chips,  bottles of salsa,  and tons of other stuff went bad, before we could eat it all.  I realized I needed to cut back on my groceries."

Suzy shot back, "It has actually been really nice for me to save some money on..." Thankfully, just seconds before this last comment was made, I was handed my receipt and told by the cashier to "Have a nice day." 

Suzy's voice trailed off as I turned around and walked away from her mid-sentence. With tears streaming down my face, I walked out of the store with the thought running through my head,  "There is no part of my son being gone that is nice and there shouldn't be for you either."  If I hadn't been crying and on the brink of a melt down,  I would have turned around and looked her square in the eyes and said, "You should love, hug and appreciate your son every single second you can. You should never be thankful for any part of not having him with you, because you never know if it will be your last." Instead, I walked straight to my car and clung to the steering wheel,  head down, and sobbed. I allowed the pain to run through me, I embraced the hurt and sadness.  I allowed the wound that was throbbing to remain open so it  could be cleansed by my tears, until it felt healed enough that I could move forward. 

    

There are many small cuts that come up like this.  Little wounds that I never expected and to some people would seem very insignificant. I have painstakingly learned that the best way to get through these moments, is to give myself the right to cry, get angry, feel in despair, or whatever I need to do, so that I can heal these cuts properly. I've seen that this actually helps me in the long run. Because the next time a similar event happens it will not open the wound again but merely cause a bruise. Bruises heal more quickly than open sores.  I have also learned through this experience, and many others like it, that people are well meaning. I need to appreciate their efforts and recognize them for what they are. Moments of Humanity, Brotherly Love, Kindness!

P.S.
So, I guess the Moral of this story is, "Don't buy lots of bread unless you're ready to talk to SUZY!!!"