The Greatest Gift!

On Christmas Eve, after all the preparations for Christmas morning were finished, a weight of an extreme magnitude rested on my shoulders. Christmas is tomorrow, there are presents, Santa has come, the pickle is hidden, and there is even beautiful snow falling outside. Yet it doesn't feel like it could possibly be Christmas. For there has never been pain like this in my heart at Christmas. It felt so wrong, this is not what it feels like to have Christmas.We can not have Christmas like this.  I thought to myself, "Find the Joy in all the good things Sarah, there is so much to be thankful for. Even though you are missing Terik and it seems wrong to have Christmas without him, this is the way things are, so make the best of it. You've got to do this for Kylee, Elli, Mari, & Trevs."

Christmas 2014

 
Well. I said that to myself 5, 10, 15 and then 20 times. I could not get the feelings within myself to change. I prayed, begged, pleaded and cried, yet the feelings still remained the same. I walked down to Terik's room, where we had decided to finally clean out and let the girls have their own rooms. They have been pestering us for about 8 months now and we decided it would be a difficult but important gift we could give them for Christmas. It was a surprise and they were very EXCITED about it. All that was left in his room was 4 boxes filled with his earthly belongings, those precious few things that we decided we needed to keep. I sat down on the floor in the middle of his room with one of the boxes filled with awards, recognition's, achievements and small things that would be inconsequential to others but of which are priceless to me. I started talking to Terik and reminding him of all the wonderful things he had done in his life. I told him how hard it was going to be to have Christmas without him this year, every year! I started crying and felt I was going to crack into a million small pieces and I  really wished I would. I then had the words come to my mind, "Let me be there with you mom."

Christmas 2015

I wondered how?  I have thought for weeks now that Terik wanted to give gifts to each of his siblings. I looked and tried to find the perfect gifts for each of them from him. We found a few things that I thought would make them feel Terik's love for them. I even wrote a personal little note on their tag from him. But as I was thinking about how to let him be there with us as I felt he was asking me to do, I thought to give the children something personal of Terik's that would help them feel closer to him and remember him in a happy, positive way. So I filled Terik's stocking (Which Kylee had insisted we hang up, even if it was empty)  with treats and his personal things to share with his siblings.  I then felt inspired to go to my computer and write a letter. The words of what I should say came out easily...
Dear Mom, Dad, Kylee, Elli, Mari, and Trevs,

I love you. I'm so sorry I'm not there, in body, with you to share this beautiful Christmas morning.  I sent the snow to help you feel me close to you today. I'm sorry that I have hurt you. I made many mistakes in my life but the last mistake I made was the greatest. I am trying to move forward and continue to learn and grow and progress here on the other side. Please learn all you can while on earth. It is much easier there to learn from your mistakes and to change than it is here. I do know that Jesus Christ loves me and He loves you too, more then we could comprehend. He wants us all to be happy and to come back and live with Heavenly Father again. Happiness is an eternal word and as humans we try to put it into human terms and it doesn't fit. Happiness is not something we can fully possess on earth but is an eternal blessing from God. On earth we feel that if we are not in this state of happiness all the time then we are broken and something is wrong with us. We are not positive enough, or thoughtful enough, or grateful enough, or loving enough, or just plain ol' not enough! This is not true. Hurt, heartache, loneliness, anger, and yes even despair and sadness are all important parts of being human. They help teach us things we cannot learn in any other way.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. This will help you get through the tough times quicker.  Do not shame yourself or others for the way you, or they, are feeling. All feelings are valid and real. They may not always be understood by others but that does not make them invalid or wrong.

Christmas is for giving, loving, serving, and helping others. If we truly want to worship and celebrate Christ's birth then we should want to please Him and be like Him. There is no better way  to show that we love Christ than to love ourselves and our neighbors (all of God's children). You did good things yesterday. You helped many people to feel loved and have some happiness in their lives. Continue to do that throughout this year. Find ways to serve others, especially in our own family.

I want you to know that I have not left you. Although you cannot see me, I am here. I have just moved to a different room. Please talk to me, listen for my words, laugh with me and about me. I love you and will never leave you. I will welcome you home with such joy when you come but please do not come sooner than you should. Live a long life. Do all you can and find joy. I do not wish you to be sad, if I could wipe away every tear and put in its place a smile of sunshine that filled the whole world, I would. You can let me help you. When you feel like laughing... just do it! Enjoy it! If you feel like crying... do it! Allow it! Then choose to look forward to your life with excitement and anticipation for the next new thing. Keeping those things always in perspective.  We know that "Things" are not important, "People are important".  Love is what it is all about.

I hope that you can enjoy this Christmas. That you will know I'm here with you watching you open every gift, laughing with you, smiling with you, and wishing I could eat a reeses :)

I told mom that I wanted to give you some gifts this Christmas. She helped me by picking some out for you. Some treats, gifts, and some of my personal things that I kept close to my heart and always near me in my room. I hope that you will look at them and remember me with fondness and good memories. That you will remember my life and not my death.  I'm sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that.  I  want to do all I can to help you through your pain. I'm always here, watching over you, loving you and helping you.  So eat some candy and lets laugh today because it's Christmas, The GREATEST day of the Year... Merry Christmas! 

Love, Terik

I then went to bed at 2 in the morning with a little less heaviness than before. I won't lie, this did not take away the deep sadness and emptiness that I was feeling but it helped it seem bearable. Christmas was bearable for all of us. In the morning the kids opened up their stockings or  maybe only half their stockings and then someone noticed Terik's stocking was there filled with things. Everyone stopped what they were doing and we gathered around,  I read them only the last paragraph of the letter at that time and shared with them the gifts that Terik wished to give them on this Christmas morning. This helped bring a spiritual feeling to our crazy morning of spoiled gifts and temporal pleasures.

I know that Our Family is Eternal and I can not adequately express my gratitude to my brother and friend Jesus Christ for this knowledge. He has given "THEE" best and only lasting gift that any of us will ever receive. He has freed us from both Spiritual and Temporal chains. This is a gift I will never be able to repay and something that I will eternally be grateful for. Now more then ever this gift has more meaning to me and gives me greater peace and comfort than any other gift could give. So this Christmas season I celebrate "CHRIST" for he truly is the ONLY reason for the Season. 

Our first COMPLETE family photo