Terik's Depression

"Look unto me in every thought;
doubt not fear not."
-D&C 6:36

My Son passed away February 25th, 2015. He died from depression, an illness that caused him much pain for the last year and 1/2 of his life. It clouded his mind and made him feel that his life, or himself as a person, was not worth anything. That others would be better off without him. He could always see the goodness within everyone else and helped them to see it also. Unfortunately he couldn't see the tremendous contribution to life that he was making and would continue make as he grew. He was in excruciating amounts of pain. He would make himself get up, face the day even though he didn't feel like it or want to. Here is one of his journal entries that we found after his passing...

"On days like today when everything is dark around me and it is hard to see hope in the future. It takes every ounce of me to force myself through the day. In order to keep myself going I have to live for the small moments. Moments like reading my scriptures and feeling Christ's love for me, moments like spending time with my family at Christmas." 

This was all a side affect of the illness. No one but him could even see that he was feeling this way. He smiled at everyone. He listened to their problems and tried to make them feel better. He was always looking out for the happiness of everyone else. Maybe because he was searching for happiness so much himself, he did not want anyone else to feel the sadness he felt. This was not something he could just fix by taking a walk, singing a good song, thinking about the good things in his life (counting his blessings) or getting exercise. Even though these were all things he did and tried to do everyday, to help himself get better... to feel better. He had an Illness of Depression that is not cured easily. It is as painful and deadly as any other disease. Depression needs treatment and is not something to be ashamed of. If you had diabetes you would take insulin, if you had cancer you would do chemo or whatever the doctor recommended to get better, If you had an infection you would take an antibiotic. Would you be ashamed if you had any of these other illnesses? Yes you would be sad and it would be difficult but you would not feel ashamed and like you needed to hide it.  Terik's suicide happened when he was only 17 years old.  I was blessed to have him in my life for 17 years, 8 months, 12 days, 21 hours and 1 minute. I wish with every breath I take, every moment of every day since his passing that I could have him with me  ALL of my Life. I will try to come to terms with the fact that this is real, that he is really gone and that this is not even a possibility for me any more. Having him in my life and watching him graduate from college, serve God, Get married, have Children and grandchildren was something that I always believed would be... I didn't realize that I was taking for granted that he would always be around. I just assumed he would be there, at least for the rest of my mortal journey. I thank God that I will be able to see him when I die. I feel blessed to know that we have Eternity to be together. It does not erase the pain or make it less painful to have to go through this life without him. But it at least gives me hope that one day my pain will end!