It's been two months today since my son left this earth. I let the warmth of the sun warm me as
I basked in the brightness of the beautiful blue sky above. I looked around my garden and saw the first signs of spring, the greenery of tiny flowers were popping up through the dark brown soil. I couldn't help but think of that first Easter morning, when Jesus Christ rose from the tomb. The incomprehensible reality of his resurrection was a miracle that no one could explain or fully understand. But none the less it was true. He awoke from the sleep of death and by so doing made it possible for us to live again. Every spring I remember this and think about Him as the plants, trees, bushes, and flowers come back to life. After the long darkness and death of winter when everything turns brown and looks as if there is no life left, never to return. The shoots of green and red jump from the ground and bring us new hope for a summer ahead. Summer, with it's bright blue skies, lovely blooming flowers, children's smiling faces, water, swimming, laughter, long walks, biking, and where pure pleasure fill the air!
I sat down on my canopy swing in the backyard, it was my mother's day gift the year before. I thought about all the memories created on that swing over the last year. Terik and I loved to sit together swinging and talking as we watched the hummingbirds fly by in the crisp spring air. Sharing stories, laughing, joking, and enjoying just being together. I started to bawl deeply and openly. I was all by myself, which always makes it easier for me to feel the aching and deep sorrow of my soul. Allowing it to flow out of me however it wants. These emotions that will inevitably come and rush through me like a Strong winter breeze. Everyone who has lost someone they love, understands how important it is to allow yourself to feel the grief, the loss, and heartache that death brings. These feelings will present themselves in one way or another, so we might as well embrace it when it comes, a little at a time. I believe that through the buckets of tears that flow from our eyes, we will find and enjoy the blessing of healthy healing and peace. I felt the sadness of knowing he would never swing with me here again. My heart felt so lonely without him next to me, how I longed to look at him and hold him in that moment. I then had the thought, "his spring time will come. The glorious Morning of his new life will spring forth, from the ground, and I will see him again". Then my own darkness of sorrow and self-pity came over me like a heavy blanket. "Okay" I thought "I have two months down only 50 years to go". I started to bawl even harder and deeper, in rolling sobs that felt like they would never end. Some days I wonder how I'm going to make it through the next minute or breath, so how could I endure the, seemingly endless, 50 years ahead. To have to watch fifty springtime's come and go without the light of his smile. Would any spring ever feel quite as bright again? Watching each Fall as the dead brown leaves slowly tumbled down to the golden grass below. Reminding me of his death, and the death of a piece of me. How will I move forward? How will the next breath come? How will the Sun rise and fall each new day without him there? I know that the only way I can get through these days, these moments, the long hours of dark winters ahead, is with the faith, love, and hope of my Savior Jesus Christ. Thank you Heavenly Father for being willing to sacrifice your perfect Son for me and for all mankind. Thank you for making it possible for me to see my son again.
I basked in the brightness of the beautiful blue sky above. I looked around my garden and saw the first signs of spring, the greenery of tiny flowers were popping up through the dark brown soil. I couldn't help but think of that first Easter morning, when Jesus Christ rose from the tomb. The incomprehensible reality of his resurrection was a miracle that no one could explain or fully understand. But none the less it was true. He awoke from the sleep of death and by so doing made it possible for us to live again. Every spring I remember this and think about Him as the plants, trees, bushes, and flowers come back to life. After the long darkness and death of winter when everything turns brown and looks as if there is no life left, never to return. The shoots of green and red jump from the ground and bring us new hope for a summer ahead. Summer, with it's bright blue skies, lovely blooming flowers, children's smiling faces, water, swimming, laughter, long walks, biking, and where pure pleasure fill the air!
I sat down on my canopy swing in the backyard, it was my mother's day gift the year before. I thought about all the memories created on that swing over the last year. Terik and I loved to sit together swinging and talking as we watched the hummingbirds fly by in the crisp spring air. Sharing stories, laughing, joking, and enjoying just being together. I started to bawl deeply and openly. I was all by myself, which always makes it easier for me to feel the aching and deep sorrow of my soul. Allowing it to flow out of me however it wants. These emotions that will inevitably come and rush through me like a Strong winter breeze. Everyone who has lost someone they love, understands how important it is to allow yourself to feel the grief, the loss, and heartache that death brings. These feelings will present themselves in one way or another, so we might as well embrace it when it comes, a little at a time. I believe that through the buckets of tears that flow from our eyes, we will find and enjoy the blessing of healthy healing and peace. I felt the sadness of knowing he would never swing with me here again. My heart felt so lonely without him next to me, how I longed to look at him and hold him in that moment. I then had the thought, "his spring time will come. The glorious Morning of his new life will spring forth, from the ground, and I will see him again". Then my own darkness of sorrow and self-pity came over me like a heavy blanket. "Okay" I thought "I have two months down only 50 years to go". I started to bawl even harder and deeper, in rolling sobs that felt like they would never end. Some days I wonder how I'm going to make it through the next minute or breath, so how could I endure the, seemingly endless, 50 years ahead. To have to watch fifty springtime's come and go without the light of his smile. Would any spring ever feel quite as bright again? Watching each Fall as the dead brown leaves slowly tumbled down to the golden grass below. Reminding me of his death, and the death of a piece of me. How will I move forward? How will the next breath come? How will the Sun rise and fall each new day without him there? I know that the only way I can get through these days, these moments, the long hours of dark winters ahead, is with the faith, love, and hope of my Savior Jesus Christ. Thank you Heavenly Father for being willing to sacrifice your perfect Son for me and for all mankind. Thank you for making it possible for me to see my son again.
