Amid the Storms

Visiting Terik

Memorial Day went much better than I anticipated it would. Today also marks 3 months since Terik's passing. We went to his grave this morning as a family. We spent a little time there, talking and remembering his beautiful life. As we were getting ready to leave we noticed a family that was also leaving the Cemetery. They stopped and looked at Terik's headstone.  There were about eight of them standing in a semi-circle around the bench. It made me realize what a beautiful Marker he had. I was happy to think of the many people who would stop and notice it. They would get the opportunity to see his artwork, his picture, a piece of his life, and maybe even feel of his sweet spirit while standing there. It was also nice to see that people had come by and remembered Terik. They had brought plants, flowers, and letters. I feel so much love and gratitude for those who have remembered our sweet boy today; for those who came to honor him and his life!  He has so many good friends and family members who love him dearly.

After visiting with Terik we headed, to Syracuse, to see our babies graves. Trevor and Faith are buried in Syracuse Cemetery where I grew up. My grandmother and grandfather are also buried there. It was nice to go home to my roots, to feel close to many of my loved ones.

  

Visiting Trevor and Faith

This is a short post today, but I just wanted you all to know that we had a good Memorial Day. We felt close to Terik and our babies. We also felt thankfulness to God for giving us Eternal Families; for giving us all those whom we love so deeply. I also felt gratitude for being able to see the sunshine, at times, amid the storms.

I'm CRAZY, but GOD loves me

I went to my "shrink" today. Yes, I am officially CRAZY!!! I've had a really horrible few weeks and was in no mood to talk to my psychologist. I do EMDR therapy with him. EMDR therapy is a type of therapy that allows our brains to process our feelings and emotions. It helps us to use both sides of our brain, which is very hard for most of us to do. I've only had one other session, but it was wonderful. It helped me get over some of the trauma and anxiety I was feeling. Every time I saw a train, a policeman, and other triggers I had a sort of panic attack. It didn't remove these memories or feelings completely but took down the intensity significantly so that I can bear them. Doing this therapy today was actually the last thing I wanted to do. I had gone to get a massage this morning.  This left me feeling so relaxed and calm. Which was a nice reprieve from the pain and horror of seeing Terik's headstone for the first time yesterday. This afternoon  I had also gone to Elli and Mariauna's Dance Festival at school. I was having such a fun and pleasant day that I didn't want to ruin it by talking about things that would inevitably cause me sorrow. My sweet husband talked me into going to the Doctor, telling me that I needed it! :)  I had drawn a blank on what I was even going to talk to the therapist about. When I sat down he asked "How are you feeling? What would you like to work on today?" I told him I wasn't really sure. Then I said, "Well, I have been having a really hard time even coming to terms with the fact that Terik is gone. If I do feel the realism of it, it is overpowering and I try to shove it down. The pain and anguish  it causes is too intense that I can not endure it. In those moments I feel utter and total despair and I do not even want to live. I just want the pain to stop. So I either find a distraction of some kind or I start to spiral downward into a deep depression."  He then said "How about we do some EMDR work?" 

He told me to think about the hurt I felt in these moments. To focus on the part of my body I felt the pain most.  So started off thinking about the pain in my heart and chest; those feelings I felt yesterday when I went to Terik's grave and saw his beautiful headstone there. Thinking of how I fell to my knees, with my head in my hands on the wet grass and sobbed for several minutes. The pain of that moment left my chest feeling like it was on fire. I thought about how unfair it was that Terik was buried in the ground instead of at home with me, with our family. I thought about the hurt and pain and anger I was experiencing because he was dead. I felt angry at Terik, at God, at myself, and mostly just at the situation I was in. I went in and out of these emotions several times, pausing in between to talk to my doctor about the feelings I was experiencing. Each time he would have me recognize where those feelings were coming from physically within my body. It started out in my chest and a little in my stomach then moved into my throat and eventually into my shoulders. I allowed myself to feel so much that I haven't before like how I felt it was unfair that I had endured so much in my life time. I had already buried 2 children and now a 3rd that was even harder than the others. I had to endure many illnesses, surgeries, divorce, depression, infertility, and so on. I felt that I have been trying to live righteously and didn't feel I deserve to have experienced such deep pain and loss. I also felt the deep pain, agony, and anger about never being able to see Terik at the end of the day. To be able to hold his hand, give him a hug, and hear about the events of his day. I thought of the longing I have for this exchange each and every day. I realized I wanted and needed to know that God was with me, helping me. Even though my mind knew He was, that I had a multitude of angels helping me and carrying me, I felt like I couldn't feel them or recognize their presence.  I thought about the fact that I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, seeking for peace and comfort, and how I felt I was not receiving it. I felt it was very unfair, that after all I was doing, why could I not receiving the blessing I desired? I thought about the picture of the angels lifting up the woman. I thought,"I know God wanted me to have this picture. He wanted me to know that there are angels helping me." If it is true then why can I not feel it or tell they're there? I then faced my deep fear that my other children might have the same fate as Terik. I had lost 3 children. What if I loose a 4th? 

I wanted absolute assurance that this would not happen. I wanted reassurance that Terik's soul is saved, that I would make it through this pain, and that one day it would subside. I could not feel peace in any of these things. I then began to worry that I would not be able to help my children enough; that I would not be able to be there in the ways they would need me to. I also felt deep remorse that I was not able to be there for Terik the way he needed me. I wish that I could go back in time and know what I know now and be able to fix it. I want to make it as if he had never died. To give him relief from his depression and from his mortal pain and anguish. I thought about how unfair it is that we have time to repent and make right almost every other sin or mistake. Why can't I repent of this mistake and have Terik back? God has all power, couldn't he just let me repent? Turn back the clock 3 months? Let me try to help Terik again? I'm sure I could do better this time! The anguish and pain of this reality, of my failure, the inability to never be able to change the outcome of my mistakes and my lack of experience, was more than I could stand. I began to cry uncontrollably. I am not sure how long I cried, but it felt like 10 or 15 minutes. Through my tears and sobs I told the doctor, "I can't do this anymore. I'm stuck in my thoughts and it hurts too much. I can't proceed." 

He then told me I needed to go back to that hurt and pain. To that moment where I felt stuck. This time, however, I should think of a person in my life that helped me to feel comforted and safe? I chose my grandmother and the Savior. I imagined them there with me in the deep despair that I felt.  I could see myself standing in front of that train, crumpled up in a heap on the ground. I was sobbing over Terik's body. I told my grandma and the Savior that I had failed him. That I wanted to fix it. I wanted to help him and bring him back, but I felt helpless. I wrapped one arm around my grandma and the other around the Savior. They helped me up as my head hung low. I felt drained and heavy. They told  me "you do not have to fix this. You do not have to carry it or change it." Then the Savior said to me "I have already carried your burdens and Terik's for you.  Let me hold you, and let me carry this burden." I then had the realization that He was standing behind me with both arms stretched out straight to his sides, like a cross. I laid my arms over His, with my back to him, as if I was on the cross myself. I was hanging lifeless, bruised, and broken. My head hung low and I felt I could stand no more. So I didn't. I went completely limp. But, instead of falling to the ground again I felt the strength of the Savior; His Body being the Cross that held me up. My head still hung low and my feet dangled. I starting to feel the pain subside as my cross became easier to bear. He said, "I will carry you through this life. I will never leave you. I never left Terik, and I never will. I've carried both your burdens and you are both forgiven." I then looked down and noticed that my grandmother was kneeling at my feet, hugging and holding onto my legs. She was telling me she loved me, and that she was so sorry I was hurting so much. She told me she would take care of my boy for me. She walked over to where Terik's body lay in front of the train. She told me, "This is not Terik. He is not here in this physical dwelling anymore. He has been freed." I saw her lift Terik's spirit and then take him by the hand. They started floating upwards towards heaven. My grandma continually reassured me as they ascended that she would always be with him, that she would take care of him.  I continued to watch them until they became so small that I could not see them anymore. After this experience, that had taken place in my mind, I felt such an amazing peace. This was such a sharp contrast from the pain that I had felt just moments earlier.

I didn't want it to end. I wanted to stay there and bask in the peace and love I felt in that moment. After a few minutes I opened my eyes with a new hope and faith that I could carry on. That with the Savior's help I could endure to the end. Wow!!! I am so grateful for this experience. I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father who sacrificed his Son so willingly so that I can be saved and redeemed from the fall. I'm grateful to the Savior who helps me through the pains of this life. 

I love you my Terik. I will try to set you free into the arms of the Savior, and into the arms of my grandmother. I know she loves us both. I will let her be you're nurturer and caregiver until I see you again. Thank you grandma! Thank you Jesus! Thank you for loving 

and helping us!

Headstone

Comfort from a child

I was totally unprepared for the overwhelming feelings that came over me when I went to the cemetery today and found Terik's headstone there. It looks beautiful and I am very pleased with the way it turned out. It was actually even more beautiful then I had even envisioned. But the finality of what that Headstone represents was so painful to my soul that I felt like I was being torn in two. The Picture of my son, of his artwork,

Terik's gifted hands. Art, music, snowboarding, & one of his paintings.

of his hands, and of our family are permanently etched into that granite. It feels more real, in this moment, then it has ever felt before. I don't want it to feel real, I don't want it to be real.  I have no words to express the way I am feeling. I do not know what to write other than I am totally devastated. My sons earthly remains lay beneath that memorial. It's not fair and it's not right.

    

What a Precious Gem

Trevin asked me, as I lay on the wet grass bawling... "Why are you crying Mommy". I couldn't answer so Troy replied for me, "She misses Terik". Trevin said back, "I miss Terik too".  I enveloped my baby boy, my precious little 3 year old, in my broken aching arms. I told him how much I loved him. I soaked him in. I recognized that I was trying to let him take the place of Terik. This could never happen, this will never be so, for no one could ever take the place in my heart or in my life that Terik filled. Trevin has his own place there also, that can not be replaced by anyone else. I cradled Trevs and said "what would I ever do without you". I remember thinking and saying the same thing, may times, about Terik. He is a special part of me. He left a deep impression on my heart that will never be replaced, just as this granite headstone has a permanent etching of him on it that will never be removed. Honestly speaking though, I wouldn't want it any other way! I do not want him to ever be replaced. He belongs there, in my heart!!!

The Painting

This Painting is called "She will find what is lost", painted by Brian Kershisnik. 

It is truly magnificent and the small picture here does not do it justice. It was just given to me by my neighbor yesterday. She is wonderful woman and I think the world of her but we are not close friends. I cried deeply as I looked at the woman being held up and sustained in her deep sorrow and earthly burdens. I cried even harder as I read the sweet message and explanation of her gift.  She wrote in a card to me, that this painting hung on her wall and she kept having the feeling that she should give it to me. After fighting much with the spirit and not wanting to give up her beloved painting, she woke one morning and found that it had Fallen off of her wall. This was a clear sign to her that it truly was a prompting from the Lord. He wanted her to give it to me. She was a little nervous to do so because she felt that I might think it bizarre since we were not very close. She followed her feeling anyway, but could not part from her own painting, so she went out and purchased a new one for me. How thankful I am for a tender dear neighbor, who became an instant friend. I'm thankful that she followed the spirit and shared something with me that will stir my soul and help me remember daily that I am not alone. I know I have Heavenly Angels lifting and blessing me, even if I do not always feel or recognize it. It also helped me realize that I have earthly angels doing the same thing for me. I hung this on the wall in my bedroom, right next to my bed. I want it to be a strength to me as I open my eyes each morning, when I'm having a hard time convincing myself to get out of bed. I want it as a reminder that I have an army of people who are there. Those Heavenly and Earthly Angels who will help me make it through that day.  I am Thankful for this magnificent piece of art that has brought beauty and hope to my heart. I'm grateful to A loving Heavenly Father who is aware of me, that he cares enough for me to give prompt someone I am not even close to, to bring me a gift that he knows will bless my life. I am thankful that he sends those angels each day to comfort my grief. I'm grateful for earthly angels who listen and follow the promptings that come. Thank you Katherine, for being one of those angels to me!!! Thank you to everyone of my friends, neighbors, and family members who have been and continue to be Gods hands and his angels on earth, in my life. I Love You.

Happy "18th" Birthday Terik

My body is so heavy. Am I suffocating? I feel I can't breath. I guess my body must still be doing it somehow. I hear the gasping sound of air escaping my lungs but can't imagine there could possibly be enough oxygen going in to sustain life. I still can not believe he is gone. I look at all these pictures of him surrounding me. All the paintings, clothes, keys, smells, sunsets, flowers... the list goes on and on. All these things tell me he is here. He will be home any minute.  I find comfort in my denial, pretending so I can feel him near me. Then, BAM, it hits me like a cement wall. He is gone. Really, wholly, and completely gone. I only allow the idea, the absolute obscurity of it, to stay but a moment because it is too much to bear. Too hard to carry. In those few seconds I feel like I'm waking up slowly, very slowly from a sleep. A horrible nightmare.  Then I quickly close my eyes and fall back asleep to the bliss of my ignorance. So, I guess in truth I'm living a dream and having moments of nightmares along the way.

Today is Terik's  birthday. It's been one of those days where I keep trying to live a dream, a dream that is nonexistent.  I have seen several awakenings today and it hurts. I hate it. 

"Breakfast in Bed"

My words to Terik:  

   

Happy "17th" Birthday

I wanted to wake up this morning and bring you breakfast in bed. The way every birthday should start.  Being awakened to the sound of your family belting out " Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear Terik. Happy Birthday to you!" Then you would get all red in the face, smile, and give me a hug. You'd try to pretend that you were too old, too grown up for this. But I know that deep down you still loved it and looked forward to it.  I'd then watch as you opened one small, "teaser", present to get you excited for the gifts that were yet to come. Today I didn't get to give you breakfast in bed. but I did get to give you a gift. I went to the Temple. I was able to take the name of one of our ancestors that you had researched and found. Kylee did the Baptism for her 10 days ago. I did the initiatory right before the endowment session. Sandy, Tisha and Aubre came with me. They also did the names you had researched. It was so nice to be in the Temple surrounded by those who love me.  I felt close to you, knowing that this is what you would want me to be doing today, on your birthday. This gift was not something that could be opened but it would be something that would last. A blessing and gift to someone else. That's what you always wanted your birthday to be, a day to celebrate and have fun. You wanted other people to smile.A day where everyone can feel happy and have joy, not just you. We all opened a gift from you today. Something to make us smile and feel your love for us, for we know that is what you would have wanted. The kids all squealed with delight as they got a gift, when it wasn't even their birthday. You would have loved it and beamed. I'm sure you probably did!!!

Getting a new car EXCITEMENT

We invited everyone to a balloon release celebration of your life this evening. It was a beautiful and very healing experience for everyone that was there. We wrote notes on our balloons and sent them into the sky to find there way to you. Did you get them? Did you feel our love? We read a few papers you had written for English assignments. They showed your goodness and your humor. 

The rain poured for a minute but then it cleared up and everyone just lingered, talked, hugged, told stories, and wept. I'm so grateful that all of your friends got to join together in this way to share their feelings and remembrances of you. We handed out Reese's to everyone, because they are your favorite and I know how you love to share :) Bekah took lots of pictures. She loves you and misses you. All your cousins do. Your Brother and Sisters miss you more than anything. Everyone who knows you misses you buddy.  

    

Lingering after the Balloon Release

When I came and sat down at your grave side earlier today, there were many flowers and balloons already here from people who love you and miss you. People whom you loved while you were on the earth. You reached deep into people's hearts, changed their lives, and help them in ways that no one else could have done. I know you did this for me. You've changed me and made me a better person. You've made me want to live better, to be kinder, to smile at each person I pass. To look outside myself and to ask someone "how is your day today", whether I know them or not. While I was in the temple today I had the feeling come over me, so intensely, of how sad I was. Sad that your happy optimistic attitude, your contagious laugh, your endless love for others, your smile you freely shared, and the kindness you showed to everyone, was gone. Then the thought came so clearly to my mind. "Those things are not gone. That is who he still is. He's still doing that, being that same loving, caring, charismatic, fun person and helping bring light and happiness to those around him." Even though I know your soul lives on, it brought me peace to hear these words. To envision you in that moment, with a smile on your face, helping make others happy.  I hope you can find joy in this journey that, for some reason, you could not find in this life. 

My heart will ache for you every moment of every day but I woke up feeling grateful this morning for the opportunity to have you for almost 18 years to raise you almost to adulthood. You were almost at the place where you'd be graduating from high school, going on a mission, getting married, and  having children. You would've been out on your own. Starting your own life, your own family. I would've missed you when that time came but in a very different way. 

   

All of us Miss You 

I would obviously still be able to see you, watch you, and been able to share in that daily growth and change. This can still happen,  I will just have to do it now through spiritual eyes, for your decision has been made and your future decided. Your next stage of life has come and I will have to, at some point, accept it.  I never dreamed this would be my life. I wish my dreams and visions of the future were my reality. I would love to have you next to me through every moment of my life. To hear you say again "I never want to move out mommy, I want to always live with you." Well maybe now you can. Never move out my sweet Terik.  Stay by my side. Even if we can not see you, I know you are there. I will find a way to carry on, with out you here. I will have to seek and learn how you are doing through spiritual eyes. It might be a very slow and painful growing process but I will never give up because I love you and want to feel you closer and closer each day.  Maybe this is not all bad. Maybe it will fine tune my relationship and testimony of the Savior. Maybe I will get to the other side and say thank you Terik for doing this, the hardest thing ever, so that I could find my way back. I don't know... but maybe. 

HAPPY "18th" BIRTHDAY Terik Boy!!!

A Mother's Day talk

Hey Terik, it's  mothers day. I don't know if you realize it or can feel that I'm here, laying on Your Grave, trying to be as close to you as I possibly can. I saw your friends, Brayden, Conner, J.T., and Brendon today. I gave each one a big hug. I closed my eyes pretending it was you, but then the pain was too strong,  the realization that it wasn't you hit me. The truth that I could never hold you like that again in this life. The heartbreak of never being able to look into your eyes, to see your face and hear you say the words "Happy Mothers Day". I keep thinking that if I plead, pray, and beg enough that somehow you will come back to me. It's crazy to think that this prayer will never come true. I know that someday my pain and heartache of this life will end and I will be able to be with you once again. I know that all the pain and suffering that I feel now will be gone. Somehow it doesn't take away the fact that I miss you so much right now. You made me a mother. My first born son. My first born child. On Mother's Day 18 years ago I went into labor with you. It was about 11 o'clock at night . I thought about how wonderful it would be to have my first child be born on Mother's Day. It truly was perfect. Even though they tried to stop my labor because you were 4 1/2 weeks early. You did not want to wait another day to come to earth. I think you were so excited to come see and to be with your family.  I am so grateful everyday for the time that I got to spend with you. These last almost 18 years,  you have carried me and helped me through some of the most difficult challenges of this life, barring this one. But I do not doubt that you will be here to help me through this one also. I remember coming home after having lost our babies, Trevor and faith, and feeling my arms aching so deeply. I thought what in the would I do if I didnt have my sweet Terik to come home and fill that void in my heart and arms. The magical ability that your hugs and kisses gave me was truly amazing, it helped heal and ease my pain. I'm grateful everyday when I think about the blessing of having you there to hold during those moments of having empty arms and an empty heart.

Last Mother's Day

As I sit here in the cemetery thinking about the fact that I've lost you. I look up and see all of those around me. Are they here to mourn the loss of their mothers, wives, sisters, grandmothers, or maybe their children, like me.  It makes me want to walk around and hear everyones stories. To give them hugs and tell them I'm sorry for their loss. Because I know how their hearts are aching today. 

I know that in your life I told you what an amazing and wonderful boy you were. I'm sure you did not understand or comprehend the depth of my admiration. I don't think that you possibly could have known what a blessing and a miracle you were in my life. Unfortunately you never had the opportunity to be a father. You never got the experience of feeling of unconditional and inexpressibly deep love for your child. I'm so sorry you didn't get this chance. I hope you now know that you truly were the kindest, dearest, sweetest son that anyone could have ever imagined or hoped for. You loved me in a way few sons ever love their mothers. You respected me, hugged me, spent time with me, let me sing to you and hold you even when you got big. Most teenagers won't let their mothers be close to them any more. They tend to push them away. Thank you for never doing this to me. Thank you for allowing me to hold you. Thank you for letting me be your friend and sharing your confidences with me. All these things made me feel even closer to you. I wish, I wish, I wish, I keep saying it over and over again. I just wish I could have you back. I guess this is just my new reality. It is something I will continue to wish for, for the rest of my life. I also think this is okay and the way it probably should be. For when we love and loose those whom we have loved we never can truly be the same. We continue to feel for that day when we will see them again.

    

What Fun Memories

I laid face down on top of your grave today trying to let your body and your spirit seep into me. I'm afraid that this type of closeness, although nice,  will never satisfy having your human arms around me. I feel truly grateful for the four children that I have to go home to now. I am going to go home and wrap my arms around them and have them wrap their arms around me. Because my arms are aching.  It is a very literal, physical pain that passes through my arms straight into my heart. This is the same type of pain I had after Trevor and Faith were born. Only this hurt runs much deeper. It carries with it 18 years of memories. You filled this void for me when  I needed it and I am grateful to have my other children who can help fill that for me now. 

I love you my precious Terik and always will. You are forever a part of me. Happy Mother's Day, Thank you for being the first to make me a Mother!!!

Love, Mommy

The Roses

My heart is so heavy today I feel like I can't even move forward. My feet feel like they are made of lead. I came to Terik's grave to try to find some peace. I laid prostrate on the ground over his burial plot. Praying and pleading for him to come back. I cried until my eyes hurt and truthfully until I ran out of tissues and had to rub my nose on the grass, that wasn't very comfortable. As I sat up I saw the left over red roses we had brought him last week. We took them to him April 25th, which marked 2 months since his passing. I don't know if I can put into words  the way I am feeling, because simple words always seem so inadequate to express real emotion. Do you know what I mean? But I am going to take a shot at it. My heart is so so heavy I feel like I can't live another minute without him, or that I even want to.  I just keep wishing that I could return back and live with my Heavenly Father and my precious Terik again . I want to go home, back to that home in Heaven, where I came from. The depth of my sorrow is so intense today that it is even painful to take another breath.  My chest keeps rising and falling but it doesn't seem real, it feels shallow, distant, and I feel empty inside.

A Dozen Red Roses

As I look down at the dead, dozen red, roses before me. I start touching and then pealing off the pedals of each small head. The dark, crusty dead,  pedals crunch under my fingers. As each pedal falls I  realized the pedals on the inside are still soft, supple, and red. This seems an irony to me. I thought these roses were dead but underneath they are still beautiful and seem, to me, still living. I thought "hey, l'm like these roses.  I feel dead all the way through though. Even if I peeled off all of the outside  pedals of my hard and crusted outside exterior. That inside all you would see was the same ugly dark dryness of my broken, rock like heart." but then I thought, "Maybe you would also see that inside this heart of stone there is actually a very soft and supple heart, like the inside of these roses. Maybe it is full of so much love, compassion, beauty, and goodness but that it is hurting so much that the outsides of me is turning hard and crusted over to try and protect the inside of that aching, vulnerable, and bleeding heart. Maybe my heart is too sensitive to be able to let anything or anyone in right now, in fear that the pain will be so deep that my heart will explode, bleed-out, and I truly will not be able to live another moment." 

I do know that there is much to live for, my husband, my children, my extended family, and friends. It's amazing how in these moments though, all I can feel is the pain I'm experiencing. My own depth of despair that seems to encompass my every thought. I'm sure that is what Terik  must have experienced in those last moments before his passing. He knew he had a wonderful family, good friends, and many people in his life who loved him.  People he did not want to hurt.  People he loved but he could not see in that moment because of his own pain and suffering. I know his body was in such agony that I cannot even begin to comprehend. When I think of the way that I feel now and how my hurt must fail in comparison to his own pain, I have to let myself forgive him.  To be grateful for the time I had with him and look forward with faith to be able to see him again someday.

I look up and try to see his face

At times I truly believe that I do not want to live this life without him. But then I think of all those I love and the future I would miss, with them, if I were gone. There truly is so much to look forward to. But at moments like this, when life seems so hard, it is hard to hold on to that. I am starting to see that the further away it gets from his passing, the farther away he feels. Somehow I want to hold on to him, to hold onto the past, to the memories of joy and happiness I had with him. The farther away his death becomes, in the aspect of time, the more unrealistic it seems and the less real he becomes to me. This makes me feel like he is slipping away from me. I do not want this, it scares me. I want to hold on to the smell of him, to the sound of his laughter ringing in my ears, and the feel of his hands in mine. I keep wanting to run backwards in time clinging to those memories that keep getting  dimmer with each passing day. I do think that someday I will be able to stop trying to live in the past, the past where I am trying to feel closer to him. That place where he used to be there everyday. Where I could hold him, talk to him, hug him, rock him, comfort him and make him feel safe, protected, and happy. I wish I could go back to those moments I wish it with all my heart. but I also understand that this is a non-reality. That I will never get to go back to the way things were. I want to start feeling closer to him by looking forward and thinking, "every day I live,  I'm one step closer to seeing him again." with a sure faith that, THAT DAY WILL COME. I  will continue trying each moment to move forward, to let go and to let God. I know he will continue to take care of me, and to take care of my family. Whether we know or believe He is there or not. He is always there.  Doing this will allow us to find healing in this horrible heartache, pain, and terrible lost. I hope that like these roses I will be able to peel off the crusty parts of my exterior being. That I will firmly plant the roots of my soul into the depths of the Savior's soil.  I know He can heal me and make me whole. He will make me blossom and be more beautiful than I was before. I know this is true, that he can do this for me or anyone else, if we let him. It doesn't mean it will be easy. I know that it will take work, heartache, time, and patience. But on days like today when all other things seem broke and full of despair, He is the one solid thing I cling to, that helps me to hold on. That helps me get through the next breath.