Coyote Gulch

It's been 5 months today! My heart breaks with each new dawn but especially on the 25th of each month that passes. So I decided that I needed to write and think about something good in my life. Something to help me remember Terik in a sweet and positive way.

Terik was part of the scouting program since the age of twelve. His scout troop included most of the boys in our neighborhood and he had become very close to them over the years. Terik had become an eagle scout just a few weeks before he passed away. In January the boys and leaders had a planning meeting for an outing called High Adventure. Terik was there to help give his input.  The trip was scheduled for the first week of summer break. High Adventure is for all boys 16 to 18 years old. Terik told all the younger boys that he thought they should go to Coyote Gulch. He said it was his favorite scout trip ever. He loved hiking through the slick rocks barefoot, feeling so close to nature, and really roughing it. He enjoyed playing in the water and seeing the small waterfalls along the way. He felt like he grew closer to his troop on this trip more than any of the others. This is actually pretty impressive because they have gone to some pretty fun/cool places, including boating at Lake Powell. They decided to go with his recommendation and went to Coyote Gulch. Terik was so excited that he said he was planning to go, even though he would already be 18 by the time of the trip.

    

Collecting rock and building the monument

The boys returned from their adventure several weeks ago. They brought me back these pictures. Some of the boys had the idea to make a little monument for Terik, not their leaders idea but their own. They knew how much he loved Coyote Gulch and they felt he should get to go with them.  They decided they should leave a piece of him that could always be there. So they took rocks, built a little monument, placed flowers on it, and put a picture of Terik inside. This was so touching to me that they would do this for Terik. I thought how impressive it was that a group of 16, 17, and 18 year old boys were so sentimental and thoughtful of someone else besides themselves. Okay,  let's be honest, we all know that most teenagers are so self absorbed that they have a hard time even seeing anyone or anything else but the person staring back at them in the mirror. At least that was how I was as a teenager, but I guess that could have just been me!

 

Terik's Scout Troop

I am continually impressed by their generosity and love. I feel they are very mature, beyond their years. I love these boys and feel grateful to them for always being good friends to Terik. Not just in this situation but throughout his whole life. They have also been very good to me and our family. I will often have one of them come up to me, during Sunday worship services or while we are out and about in the neighborhood. They will wrap their arms around me and give me a great big hug. They will tell me they love me and ask if their is anything they can do to help. They have helped me!

They have helped me to feel my boys arms around me. They have comforted me and my family. They have helped to keep Terik's memory alive. I love you Terik, your memory will live on forever!!!

The Monument they built for Terik

"Happy" 4th of July

4th of July last year

Yesterday was the 4th of July and we went to the fireworks at Thanksgiving Point. We did the same thing the year before but last year it was with Terik. It was a very hard day for me, I didn't expect that. Which I guess is what made it even harder. I had friends and family text me and wish me Happy 4th of July. Oddly enough that was one of the hardest parts.  Nothing should seem happy to anyone right now. I know that's not the right way to think or the greatest attitude. However, in my mind, that is how I was feeling. My thinking...  "How dare people be happy. How can they think they can tell me to be happy." Even though I went around telling other people Happy 4th of July all day, I didn't think it was very happy and didn't want to hear it. I guess I'm a hypocrite ;)  I know that people are just trying to be polite, they want to send their love and extend the joy they feel to others. That is what I normally want to do too. For whatever reason, only at certain times, unexpected pains and thoughts enter my mind and heart. The problem is I never know when those moments will be. If I did know I might be able to avoid them or even try to find happiness in them, if I was prepared.

I was given an award a few days ago, for the nicest yard of the month, from our city. A friend (someone who also lost her son to suicide a few years ago)  text me to congratulate me on my award. I told her it was pretty amazing, it must have been a sympathy vote because I haven't worked in the yard but one or two days this whole year.
She said, "I don't know about sympathy vote! We didn't ever get yard of the month (when our son passed away). Ha Ha! But seriously your yard does look nice and I totally understand about not getting up the motivation. My husband really didn't have a desire to do the garden the next summer and he loves to do it".

My reply, "I'm glad someone understands because I love working in my yard too but seriously I hardly have a desire to do much of anything these days. But I'm doing my best to get by, day to day.  I've made it 129 days so far. Pretty good, right?" 

Her response, "Dang good! (I was going to say "damn good" because that says it better but I didn't know what your stand is on "light" swear words ;)"
That really made me laugh, which I appreciated and needed.
I have also had the thought that maybe my yard, looking as good as it does this year with little effort on my part, was a gift from God. He made it look better then it ever could have. He wanted me to enjoy the beauty of what I have spent countless hours working to create over the years. I know we do have seasons of our lives where, because of the things we've done, we can rest for a little while and still have blessings. Especially at times when we think there's nothing to find beauty or joyfulness in. I have found joy in my yard this year, sitting on my back porch looking at the flowers. I picked some of them this last week and brought them to Terik's grave. This brought me happiness and pain. I was grateful to share them with him but in the same token I wish I didn't have to bring Terik flowers to a cemetery. Having the piercing awareness that he shouldn't be there. Yet this is the way it is, he is there. I will work hard to find a way to accept joy, in this season of my life, where I can find it. 

I went to church today and I bore my testimony. It was actually the hardest testimony I've ever born. I felt so strongly I needed to share my testimony of the Gospel and my unwavering faith of our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. That they have all power over Heaven and earth. They know us personally and they love us and want us to return to them. I also wanted to give the youth  my love and appreciation for them. (They have made great efforts to show me their love. I plead with them to not give up, that life is worth living even if It is harder than they ever imagined it would be. There are rainbows after the rain.

   

A fitting day! Cloudy and  Rainy to match my heartache

This is a perfect analogy for today because I'm sitting out in the rain, umbrella in hand, talking with Terik. I look at the sky with hopelessness of the Sun ever showing it's face again. Will the rain ever stop pouring? I know that if we leave our umbrella up all the time, blocking the storm, because we're afraid of the rain pouring down on us, we will not be able to see the buckets of blessings that God wishes to pour down upon us. If we are unwilling to lower our umbrella, we will miss the bright rainbow, of magnificent colors, that will inevitably appear. We have to feel the rain on our face, experience the storm, to see and appreciate the rainbow. I believe that in every situation there is a silver lining. My silver lining today is the knowledge that I will get to be with my Terik forever someday. I can hardly wait to go spend time with him again, to talk about the things that we did while we were apart. We will hug and embrace and all the hurt pain and sorrow of this life will melt away. The pain will be replaced with pure joy, greater than I can ever imagine.

As I walked through the wet grass, the short distance to your head stone and burial place, the heels of my shoes sunk deeply into the wet, moist ground. The soil and grass clung to the souls of my shoes and made it very difficult for me to walk. It made me think of the fact that this life, all the pain that I'm going through right now, is like this wet grass and heavy mud under it. It wants to suck me down, pull me in, and never let me go. It makes it so so difficult to even take the next step. Maybe I need to take a lesson from this experience. I removed my shoes, to make it easier to walk.  I could feel the wet earth beneath my feet, it felt uncomfortable and cold but felt better than the alternative of being weighed down by the mud that wanted to pull me under. Satan would like to drag me down and keep me from standing up, bearing witness of all that I know to be true. I need to stand. I need to continue to testify that Jesus is the Christ, the Savior of the whole World. That He lives and that He loves us. He wants us to find joy and happiness. Not just in this life, in this world,  but in our life to come. Which is a much more important thing to live for than anything we can obtain in this life. I feel that we have the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ restored to the earth. I believe that we have priesthood keys restored that can save our families. Through the Savior we can repent, be baptized and be able to receive the blessings of the sealing power. These are found in Holy Temples, just as those who lived in Christ's day had. I know the Book of Mormon to be true and if I know the Book of Mormon to be true then I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. He was sent and asked to restore Christ's Church upon the earth once more. I know that Joseph Smith truly saw God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. They helped him, prepared him, to roll forth the restoration of the gospel in our day. Priesthood keys that had been lost have now been restored. For this, my life has been blessed. I know that in sharing my testimony it only strengthens it and cements in all that I know to be true. The spirit of God burns in me when I hear or speak the truth. I'm grateful for the beauty of the gift of the Holy Ghost. I do not glory of myself,  but I glory in my God!!!

Holding Terik

I dreamt of Terik! I just woke up and had to write about my experience. I initially was filled with great Joy, I awoke from my dream grateful to have had the opportunity to see him. I now however am left with a longing to see him and hold him with a greater fervor then ever. That is saying something because I miss him everyday and wish to see him. I wouldn't change it one bit though, I would much rather have had the dream, feel him close for a moment, than to never have that opportunity again in this life. I can handle this type of pain and longing much easier because it comes laced with such great joy and goodness... Because without the heartache and pain, we would not know the JOY!

My Dream:
I was standing in the garage when I heard a car pull in, I turned assuming it was Troy, but instead I was surprised to see it was Terik. He was driving his little white Honda Accord. Which he lovingly called Thelma. He leaned forward on the steering wheel looking up at me with a HUGE smile plastered on his face; grinning from ear to ear. Like a small child on Christmas morning.  His face was lit with a sense of anticipation. I was feeling the same way and smiled back but with a little more hesitation and reservation, was it him? The garage became extremely brilliant as if a bright light had just been illuminated. The light made the colors more vivid and a great feeling of Love and Joy filled the whole room. I started saying, "I can't believe it, I just can't believe it" as he jumped out of the car and quickly came towards me. When he approached me his smell filled my nostrils, I could smell him It was wonderful, never had anything smelled so amazing. It was the deep scent of cologne and.... I don't know... just the smell of Terik! We embraced with a fervency that I've never felt before. Arms crisscrossed over each others backs. Heads down, buried in each others necks. We stood there not wanting to move or talk, afraid it would be over, the elation of this moment thrust away.

After a time, while still hugging and holding each other. I asked him over and over again, "Is it you? Is it really you? Honestly, is it truly, truly you?" To which he replied "Yes mamma it is". I started sobbing and sobbing and buried my head even deeper into his shoulder. I hugged him a little tighter, which I honestly didn't think was even possible. I cried out "I miss you so much, I miss you so sooooo much, Oh my goodness it has been so hard, I've never missed anyone so much." I exclaimed these things to him many times, each time with him replying fervently, "I miss you too mom, I miss you too." After quite a bit of time, feeling a little more confident that he was not going to disappear, I pulled him back away from me, just a little. Just enough so that I could look into his beautiful blue eyes and see his handsome loving face, my boys face! I stared at him for a few minutes just soaking him in. I looked at every detail of his being.

2 days before Terik passed away, Awesome hair Right?

His hair was cut the same way as the last time I had seen him. It was short on the sides and a little longer on the top, so you could see his beautiful tight curls. I loved his hair, I always did. I always told him he had the thickest hair of anyone I had ever cut and I had cut a lot of hair. He had a huge grin on his face. Light and Joy exuded from his face, filling my soul. His eyes pierced into me like a sharp knife, without the sting. He looked more handsome to me than I had ever noticed before and I had always thought he was a very handsome boy. (totally unbiased opinion here)

This is almost the exact outfit he was wearing

He was wearing his red, gray, and black plaid flannel shirt (which he loved and wore often) and his favorite black/gray jeans. About a year ago, Terik and a friend had gone to a thrift store just for fun.  They came out with a few treasures. These jeans were a product of that fun excursion. During the last 6 months of his life they had started shredding and falling apart at the seams. He loved them though and continued to wear them often. I use to tease him that I was going to cut them off his body one day.  All these details made him feel so real, so bright, and it seemed he was 100% with me. As I was looking at him, taking all of him in, I asked "Do you have to go back? Do you have to leave me again?" He simply stated, "Yes". This was said with the first bit of deep sadness and sorrow that I had felt from him since he had arrived. I wasn't all that surprised or crushed however. I guess maybe because I wasn't ever really expecting him to get to stay. I knew he was just here for a visit, but I wished I could keep him with me always.  I had so many questions like, "Are you happy?" To which he replied "Yes, happier than I was on earth, especially since the depression started." I could tell it wasn't 100% happiness though, not a fullness of Joy. It was in a different way, some way he could not express and that I would not be able to understand. I sensed that he felt some of our pain and he wished he hadn't hurt us, that he hadn't taken his own life.

I'm sure he was encompassed about by love and goodness in his new life though.  He told me he had many things he was learning and working on. I asked curiously, "What is it like there? What is life like where you are?" He said, "It is much like this life." At that moment it was as if he gave me a little picture into my mind, a movie of sorts, of what it was like. I could see that people were busy doing stuff. Some things were very important and some things were very trivial. I understood that it was much like what it is like on earth. Some people were near to God in all their thoughts and wanted to please Him. Others were so enthralled in what was exciting or entertaining that they didn't even notice or look for God. It really was very similar to our earth life. Except to my eye everything was very white. The clothes, buildings, benches, everything really, except for the grass, plants, and flowers were white. Terik then answered my second question. Which was "What are you doing there?" To which he replied, "I am learning and growing, things I didn't get the opportunity to during my earth life. I am also very active in helping you and our family heal and find peace." I started to cry intensely again. I expressed my feelings of profound gratitude for him doing that. He told me it was part of his learning. I somehow knew that this was only a temporary thing. He would be there until either he was ready to move forward or when we were able to handle him moving forward and not needing him so constantly.

I looked into Terik's eyes one last time and Boom, I woke up. I wished I could go back into my dream and feel him and see him so vividly. I tried but couldn't, just like other dreams I've had about him. I then decided to lay there and relish in the excitement and joy of getting to see and hold my baby boy again. I thought "Was this a "real" dream? Was he really there/here with me?"  I then felt warm arms encircling me, reassuring me that yes it was real and he was here with you. Sometimes, most of the time actually, I do not notice whether my dreams are in color or not. So when people pose the question, "Do people dream in color?" I usually would have said, "Hmmm, I don't know." Well this time I can say with 100% assurance that I dreamt in color. It was brighter and the colors more vivid then I have ever felt in a dream. There was a feeling of deep intensity. I guess the best way for me to describe this dream is to say it was INTENSE. I had a heightened awareness of my senses. I could hear, feel, see and smell things with an increased ability. Even greater than I have ever experienced in this life.

As I have been awake for almost an hour now, thinking and writing about my experience, I believe that the dream ended the way it did for a reason. I think it was a blessing so that I could continue to linger in the feeling of having Terik near me. To feel the feelings of love, happiness and gratitude a little longer. If I had had to say good-bye and watch him leave or drive away, it would have left me with a great feeling of sadness. Instead I was able to bask in the glow of that special experience. Of course the glow has worn off and the inescapable pain of his absence is felt. The important things though is that I was able to feel him near me for a small moment in time.