"Happy" 4th of July

4th of July last year

Yesterday was the 4th of July and we went to the fireworks at Thanksgiving Point. We did the same thing the year before but last year it was with Terik. It was a very hard day for me, I didn't expect that. Which I guess is what made it even harder. I had friends and family text me and wish me Happy 4th of July. Oddly enough that was one of the hardest parts.  Nothing should seem happy to anyone right now. I know that's not the right way to think or the greatest attitude. However, in my mind, that is how I was feeling. My thinking...  "How dare people be happy. How can they think they can tell me to be happy." Even though I went around telling other people Happy 4th of July all day, I didn't think it was very happy and didn't want to hear it. I guess I'm a hypocrite ;)  I know that people are just trying to be polite, they want to send their love and extend the joy they feel to others. That is what I normally want to do too. For whatever reason, only at certain times, unexpected pains and thoughts enter my mind and heart. The problem is I never know when those moments will be. If I did know I might be able to avoid them or even try to find happiness in them, if I was prepared.

I was given an award a few days ago, for the nicest yard of the month, from our city. A friend (someone who also lost her son to suicide a few years ago)  text me to congratulate me on my award. I told her it was pretty amazing, it must have been a sympathy vote because I haven't worked in the yard but one or two days this whole year.
She said, "I don't know about sympathy vote! We didn't ever get yard of the month (when our son passed away). Ha Ha! But seriously your yard does look nice and I totally understand about not getting up the motivation. My husband really didn't have a desire to do the garden the next summer and he loves to do it".

My reply, "I'm glad someone understands because I love working in my yard too but seriously I hardly have a desire to do much of anything these days. But I'm doing my best to get by, day to day.  I've made it 129 days so far. Pretty good, right?" 

Her response, "Dang good! (I was going to say "damn good" because that says it better but I didn't know what your stand is on "light" swear words ;)"
That really made me laugh, which I appreciated and needed.
I have also had the thought that maybe my yard, looking as good as it does this year with little effort on my part, was a gift from God. He made it look better then it ever could have. He wanted me to enjoy the beauty of what I have spent countless hours working to create over the years. I know we do have seasons of our lives where, because of the things we've done, we can rest for a little while and still have blessings. Especially at times when we think there's nothing to find beauty or joyfulness in. I have found joy in my yard this year, sitting on my back porch looking at the flowers. I picked some of them this last week and brought them to Terik's grave. This brought me happiness and pain. I was grateful to share them with him but in the same token I wish I didn't have to bring Terik flowers to a cemetery. Having the piercing awareness that he shouldn't be there. Yet this is the way it is, he is there. I will work hard to find a way to accept joy, in this season of my life, where I can find it. 

I went to church today and I bore my testimony. It was actually the hardest testimony I've ever born. I felt so strongly I needed to share my testimony of the Gospel and my unwavering faith of our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. That they have all power over Heaven and earth. They know us personally and they love us and want us to return to them. I also wanted to give the youth  my love and appreciation for them. (They have made great efforts to show me their love. I plead with them to not give up, that life is worth living even if It is harder than they ever imagined it would be. There are rainbows after the rain.

   

A fitting day! Cloudy and  Rainy to match my heartache

This is a perfect analogy for today because I'm sitting out in the rain, umbrella in hand, talking with Terik. I look at the sky with hopelessness of the Sun ever showing it's face again. Will the rain ever stop pouring? I know that if we leave our umbrella up all the time, blocking the storm, because we're afraid of the rain pouring down on us, we will not be able to see the buckets of blessings that God wishes to pour down upon us. If we are unwilling to lower our umbrella, we will miss the bright rainbow, of magnificent colors, that will inevitably appear. We have to feel the rain on our face, experience the storm, to see and appreciate the rainbow. I believe that in every situation there is a silver lining. My silver lining today is the knowledge that I will get to be with my Terik forever someday. I can hardly wait to go spend time with him again, to talk about the things that we did while we were apart. We will hug and embrace and all the hurt pain and sorrow of this life will melt away. The pain will be replaced with pure joy, greater than I can ever imagine.

As I walked through the wet grass, the short distance to your head stone and burial place, the heels of my shoes sunk deeply into the wet, moist ground. The soil and grass clung to the souls of my shoes and made it very difficult for me to walk. It made me think of the fact that this life, all the pain that I'm going through right now, is like this wet grass and heavy mud under it. It wants to suck me down, pull me in, and never let me go. It makes it so so difficult to even take the next step. Maybe I need to take a lesson from this experience. I removed my shoes, to make it easier to walk.  I could feel the wet earth beneath my feet, it felt uncomfortable and cold but felt better than the alternative of being weighed down by the mud that wanted to pull me under. Satan would like to drag me down and keep me from standing up, bearing witness of all that I know to be true. I need to stand. I need to continue to testify that Jesus is the Christ, the Savior of the whole World. That He lives and that He loves us. He wants us to find joy and happiness. Not just in this life, in this world,  but in our life to come. Which is a much more important thing to live for than anything we can obtain in this life. I feel that we have the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ restored to the earth. I believe that we have priesthood keys restored that can save our families. Through the Savior we can repent, be baptized and be able to receive the blessings of the sealing power. These are found in Holy Temples, just as those who lived in Christ's day had. I know the Book of Mormon to be true and if I know the Book of Mormon to be true then I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. He was sent and asked to restore Christ's Church upon the earth once more. I know that Joseph Smith truly saw God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. They helped him, prepared him, to roll forth the restoration of the gospel in our day. Priesthood keys that had been lost have now been restored. For this, my life has been blessed. I know that in sharing my testimony it only strengthens it and cements in all that I know to be true. The spirit of God burns in me when I hear or speak the truth. I'm grateful for the beauty of the gift of the Holy Ghost. I do not glory of myself,  but I glory in my God!!!