TRY

     Okay, so the other day, I'm driving down the road and all of a sudden a popular song comes on the radio. I'm sure a lot of you have heard of it. It's called "Try" by Pink. I broke down and started to bawl. Now before you think it was just one of my normal crazy freak out moments, let me defend myself a little bit. It wasn't because an old boyfriend had broke my heart when I  was young. It wasn't because of a love that went wrong. It was a permanent link that was tied to the moments that proceeded Terik's passing.

     

*How a person with depression or bipolar feels like inside.

 Half  is what they show, the other is how they feel.

      After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, just a little while after hearing that Terik had died, I finally gave up on the idea of sleeping. So I headed down to Terik's room. It was about 5:00 in the morning.  I laid on his bed looking through pictures, his artwork, smelling his clothes, trying to completely engulf myself in him. I was crying, aching, (both physically and emotionally), nauseous and totally in shock. Every once in a while I would have short  moments of muted paralysis. In one of those moments there was a loud sound that broke the silence. Terik's alarm clock went off. It was 5:15, time to get up, time for Terik to go to school. It was Thursday morning, an A day.  He should be getting ready for early morning seminary. Only this morning, he wouldn't be waking up. There would be no school for him today.  The musical echo of Pinks song "TRY" rang in my ears. It started right in the middle of the chorus. "You've gotta get up and try, try, try. Gotta get up and TRY." Over and over again the forceful words racked through the numbness of my soul. It seemed to me that it was a message sent specifically for Terik.  I crumpled into a heap on the floor holding my stomach, protecting it,  as if someone was trying to rip it from my body.  I kept trying to take a breath. But instead of air there was wailing and sobs that come one after the other.  The gasping for breath made my lungs burn. I couldn't stop and I didn't care. Death seemed a welcomed reprieve. It would be a sweet escape from the horror I was enduring.  The stabbing of excruciating  pain entered into every part of my being.  Why couldn't Terik have woke up to this song this morning?  Would it have helped him get through one more day?  Could it have given him hope for a brighter tomorrow?  The questions flooded over me like waves crashing on the sand.  Pulling it down, down under the deep blue water.   Burying and suffocating it with no end in sight.  Then I heard a sweet quiet thought enter into my mind.
 

*What Terik showed

    "I tried Mom.  I really did.  Every day for almost 2 years I got up and tried.  Every morning I wanted to stay in bed,  hide from the world but I didn't.  I gave it my all,  the very best I could.  Even though it hurt and I felt I was drowning,  I still got up and tried.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  I'm so sorry I hurt you so much but please know I did the best I knew how,  I tried. Please forgive me. I didn't do this to hurt you or anyone else."

*Terik's interpretation of his inside feelings

    I felt, in that moment,  the depression and hopelessness that Terik had endured. I'm sure I could never know the poignancy of his pain or all that he had suffered. I was actually, however weird as it may sound, grateful for a little glimpse into his heart. Even though it didn't ease my own suffering it did get rid of some of those why's I had been feeling. Why Terik? Why did you do this? Why did you choose this?  I realized this was not a choice for him.  In that moment, He had no other feeling except the excruciatingly painful reality of his existence.  He felt hopeless,  trapped inside his own body. I understood now that instead of this song being a message for Terik, that it was an intense song sent for me. I needed it! I would be asked to get up each day and try to live without him.  Even though it would be hard and I wouldn't want to do it most the time.  I still needed to get up and TRY! 

   
      I know we all go through hard things that seem insurmountable. Each of us have those moments when we wish we could hide from the world and be done.  But I say to each of us, to you and to me, "You gotta get up and TRY, TRY, TRY".  Life has ups and downs but it's worth living.  Depression is real. I know I've said it before but I feel I need to say it again. Depression is an illness

     

Sadness

just as any other illness.  We need to be treated for this illness just as we would for any other illness.  We need the help of professional Dr's. We need to follow their advice the best we can. We are not to blame for having this sickness, we do not need to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or self deprecating because we carry this illness. We need not feel it a sign of weakness to take medication. Medicine is used to treat almost every other ailment, why not depression also? Why do we sometimes feel it is a cop-out or a personal failure to do so? We shouldn't blame ourselves that we have depression. It is not our choice any more than it is someone's choice to have leukemia or diabetes. So why do we feel that depression is any different? I do not pretend to know the answer to these questions. I just wish to root-out the negativity that exists around depression. Also, to give more love and empathy for those that suffer from this illness. I will start with myself, with my friends, family and all those I know who struggle. 

In memory of Terik I want to endeavor to live each moment the best I know how. It may not be perfect but I will give a valiant effort.


*These drawings are self portraits of Terik

Lyrics to Pinks song "Try" (last verse)

Ever worried that it might be ruined,

And does it make you wanna cry?

When you're out there doing what you're doing,

Are you just getting by?

Tell me are you just getting by, by, by?

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame.

Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned.

But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die,

You've gotta get up and try, try, try,

Gotta get up and try, try, try,

You gotta get up and try, try, try.