The First Thanksgiving!!!

Well, we have the first Thanksgiving without Terik behind us. I have to say this feels like a victory, and yet a huge loss at the same time. The dread and fear of the day started out with a very heavy heart, followed by crying and sobs. When I got done mourning the Thanksgivings of the past and how they will never be quite the same, I got up and decided to face the day. I had previously decided that my kids needed to see that even though we miss Terik we can still find Joy, and there is so many good moments to come. So it made the decision to get out of bed, get dressed, and put a smile on, a whole lot easier. As an adult I have a different perspective than I did as a child. I have gone through some very hard things in my life and found that I was able to make it through them, even when there were moments when I thought I never could.  I hope and pray everyday that my children will be able to have a perspective that is beyond their years.  That they will see that the pain of loss, as hard as it is, is not the end. We can find rainbows, see the sunlight again, and yes even find joy in the holidays. As I headed out my bedroom door I took a deep breath and told myself... "Terik would want us to enjoy this day. Spending time with family was his favorite, especially the Holidays. So if I can try my best to find joy today, the greater chance I'll have of feeling him close to me today."

     

Thanksgiving 2015

We did something very non-traditional this year for Thanksgiving (for "our" family anyway).  I thought the change up of the day would make the hollow place in my heart feel a little less gaping.... it worked!!! We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant (thanks to my amazing sister and brother-in-law). I'm not sure if what made it easier was not having to cook and do all the dishes or if it was because it felt less like Thanksgiving and more like a really nice dinner with family. But either way maybe this was exactly what I needed this year. We did do something very traditional however. We went to a Thanksgiving day movie, along with the rest of the world I think. We saw "The Good Dinosaur" which my kids loved, and the adults thoroughly enjoyed also.

Thanksgiving 2014

So, Thanksgiving day went off better than expected but the thing that threw me for a loop came the next day. Terik's friend had invited us over to his house for an LDS mission opening. This is where they open and read the letter from the first presidency of the Church that tells them where they will serve their mission. I was very excited for him, and I was so grateful he thought to invite us.  As he read the words of his letter this thick, tingling, numb feeling started to fill my chest... you know the one that comes right before you break into tears. It's almost as if the tears all filling up your lungs as you try to hold them in. Usually for me once I hit this point there is no turning back, the sob fest is inevitable! I was grateful to have Troy there to hold onto and walk out the door with. He has been my support and strength over and over again through the last 9 months. When things seem unbearable he has a way of holding me up until I can stand again. I love him and am so grateful he is my husband. I am truly blessed!!! I feel no one understands me completely except God but Troy is a very close second. I know that he feels the loss, heartbreak, and pain just as I do. He just shows it and experiences it in different ways than me. It is amazing how often we will exchange a look, an acknowledgement of total understanding, where no words are needed (because there are probably not the words anyway). When something difficult is said or a situation arises that brings a sting or stab of pain, a glance is all it takes. It is nice to feel understood when I spend a lot of my time feeling out of place, awkward, and lost. As we sat in the car and cried, after the mission opening, I expressed to Troy how hard it is to feel like there is a huge hole inside of me. I had heard the expression before, "It feels like half of me is gone", and I thought I could understand or at least sympathize with someone who was feeling that way. But it wasn't until this experience of loosing Terik that I truly understand it. Terik was a part of my everyday life for over 18 years. I was pregnant with him when I was 21. I spent everyday of my life from that moment forward trying to love and teach him the best way I knew how. There are many thoughts, hopes, and dreams of the future that are discussed in those many years. What college to go to, what friends to hang out with, what to study, whether to serve a mission, what career would he enjoy most, what kind of Husband he would be, what sort of girl did he want to marry, what type of father would he be (he would have been the greatest ever BTW, I'm pretty sure of that one), and so on. All of these experiences that come up are a reminder to me that a portion of my future, my life, part of who I am, was ripped from me. There is a huge gaping void where Terik, surrounded by wife, children, work, holidays, etc.., should fill.  I felt at a loss for words to express this feeling I was having and the intensity of it in that moment. I proceeded to try and make a parallel to a different loss.  I told Troy,

"I imagine that if I lost my legs and was wheel chair bound there would be an extreme loss for the future that I thought I was going to have of skiing, running a 5k, hiking up to a waterfall, country dancing, and just going for a walk for the heck of it. I imagine that I would feel trapped, robbed, even angry. I could see that the overwhelming loss could engulf me. I'm sure I would eventually find a way to get around it. Finding joy in what I could do. Discovering new dreams and ways to accomplish the things I desired. But my legs would never be back. Just as a part of me, not a metaphorical emotional part of me, but a tangible, physical part of me, "that IS me",will never be whole again without Terik. Not in this life anyway."  

The best way I can explain it is that I not only lost my son but I lost a huge part of me. Not just a part of my heart, but a part of my future, of the grandchildren and great grandchildren I was suppose to have. I lost the time spent writing letters to my son on a mission, meeting a new daughter as he took a wife and each little addition to our family as they came. I know it may seem weird to some that I am mourning the loss of things that had not even become mine yet but it is amazing how much you think about the future without even realizing it. I didn't realize how much my present life was intertwined with the future of not just myself but of my children until that future is no longer a possibility. I do see that little by little I am finding ways to deal with the loss of my present and future life as I knew it and looking for ways to more fully enjoy the new future I have been forced to create.