WHY???

I have asked the Question "Why" to myself probably a million times over the last year and a half. Why did Terik have to suffer with depression? Why did he have to die? Why did he take his own life? Why did I not recieve some feeling that he needed me that day? On and on the Why's go....
I never questioned  or blamed God. I felt that He truly knew the why's but I did not and so I sought understanding and peace. Well a beautiful "Peace" came to me this week, in a way that I was not expecting. Which is usually how life works isn't it? When we least expect it things happen... both good and bad things.
My husband gave me a suggestion of a talk to read by Elder John Groberg. It was titled "Come Home, Felila". A few days later, I settled into my daily routine of cleaning, laundry, and dishes. I had this thought pop into my mind "You should listen to that talk Troy told you about, while you are working". So I pulled out my headphones and listened as I worked.

"Now it may seem easy to have faith in God when things are going well. But the law of growth requires constant effort and stretching. Thus, in order to have our faith strengthened, it must be stretched and tried and tested. One of the areas of testing that comes to many of us is when something occurs over which we apparently have little or no control and which to us seems unfair."

I thought, well I believe that is true and I feel pretty good about myself and thankful that my Faith has not wavered in my God through out this trial and many others that I have experienced in my life. Then my pride slowly began to fall away, needingly, as I hear the story of Felila.

Felila was born on a small pacific island to a faithful family. They were all thrilled and excited for her birth. Soon after birth problems arose. Her head was abnormally large and she was diagnosed with hydrocephalus. There was little they could do to help Felila on the island. They started working tirelessly to get her to the United States where she could get the medical help she needed. Letters were sent, living arrangements created, financial help organized, prayer and fasting was constant,  x-rays taken and analyzed then sent back and forth numerous times, then Finally after exasperating delays, things began to fall into place. One morning Elder Groberg, who was serving as the mission president at the time, felt a strong impression that he must go now and make extra effort to get everything done so that Felila could go. He got everything in place and went to give the good news and found out that Felila had just passed away.

Elder Grobergs words to himself, "Gone? This morning? But all the work, all the time, all the fasting and praying and those strong feelings? Gone? NO! WHY? WHY? After all that work and the strong faith of so many and those impressions, why?" He then had a spiritual experience that changed his life. "I heard a voice, such a tender, compassionate voice-yet so unmistakably powerful-that all nature stood still and listened and obeyed."



It said,"Come home Felila, my daughter. Come home to the care your loved ones have sought for you. I have heard their prayers and have known their fasting and love for you, and I answer. Come home, my daughter. You have finished your mission in life. Hearts have been softened; souls have been stretched; faith has been increased. Come home now Felila."

"He knew her! How perfect our Father's love! He had heard the prayers. He had done what was best. He knew everything-which thing, though I believed, I never had supposed. In some marvelous way, which is beyond our mortal comprehension, he knows and understands all things.
My questions as to why-as to justice and reasons-were all at that moment  completely swept away. They were so irrelevant, my questioning so totally out of place, like one trying to dig the Grand Canyon with a teaspoon."

My mind was opened up to a view, just for a moment, of the grandeur of God's plan. All of my Why's were able to be set aside and a peace of knowing God would reveal all the things to me at some point in my life, either this life or the next, settled into my heart with a profound depth. I am thankful for experiences that help to stretch me, teach me, give me understanding. Would I ever have chosen one of those experiences to be this one? Absolutely NOT! Can I trust that it is still for my good? YES! Can I trust that God knows Why? YES! I will trust in HIM forever!

80 foot wave

I dear friend of mine shared this story with me, quite a while back. It expressed so eloquently the feelings of my own heart. I have felt many times that I should share it here, but have yet to do so. However, a sweet family I know lost their child yesterday. The pain and empathy I feel for them is beyond words. Such heartbreak for all they are going through and will go through in the coming months and years. Today there are 80 foot waves beating down... read this and you will better understand what I mean... 

 A person, searching for help, posed the question on the internet,

"My friend just died. I feel lost, scared, and alone. What can I do?" 


One of the reply's... 

"Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents. 

 I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. 

 My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see. 

 As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. 

 In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function.

You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. 

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out. 

 Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks." 

 ~ by G.Snow 

 A tender and compassionate look at grief and loss that I can completely relate to. I wish I could keep each person I have ever loved near me, right until the end. I wish that there was no death, but it isn't so. We all will lose someone we love along the way. There will be hurt and heart break and storms we will all face, sooner or later. Do I wish the storms away? Do I pray for a break in the weather. Of course, but not if it means I would never have known the one I loved so dear. I am grateful for the scars that remind me of the loves I had and lost. I'm thankful for all they have taught me. But the lesson I treasure above them all is the perspective I've gained for this life. People, forgiveness, love, kindness, empathy, patients are what is truly important. I'm learning that what I want very most in life is to love fully, deeply, and often, those I still have. I will continue to weather this storm and be better for it. Better for knowing and loving, and yes even loosing, Terik.

My Testimony

A friend of Terik's is serving a mission in Taiwan and asked me to share my feelings and thoughts with an investigator/friend from his mission. She lost her daughter to suicide a few years ago and has been really struggling ever since. I feel deeply for her and every mother, father, grandparent, sister, brother, aunt, uncle or Friend who have had to suffer such a loss. I have prayed a lot for help in writing to her. I felt a desire to share this on my blog after I finished writing today. Maybe it will reach someone who needs it.  This is a portion of that letter...


I have a belief that we all made a choice to come to earth. I don't believe it was a decision we made lightly or without full mental understanding. I also know that when we chose to come to this earthly existence, that we did so knowing that it would be difficult and there would be some things that would be extremely painful and totally unbearable. I do sometimes think though, that there is no way we really comprehended what it would be like, but we trusted God. We knew that coming to this earth was the only way that we could become like our Heavenly Father and we were willing to suffer anything in order to be like Him. His beauty and majesty defied all description and we trusted Him completely. Then our Heavenly Father showed us a plan where he would send us a Savior. A perfect person that would come to earth and suffer excruciating pains and even death. He did this for us that we could have all of our sins forgiven and so that He could succor us in "ALL of our PAINS & WRONGS". Jesus Christ felt every hurt, disappointment, affliction and wrong that we would ever experience. He did it so that we could bear the burdens and heartaches that would inevitably come to each of us and try to engulf us and pull us under.

LDS.org 

He is our older brother. He loves us so much that he willingly chose to do this for us. My belief in Him has made me turn to Him in total faith knowing that He is truly thee only person that fully understands what I am feeling and the depth of my pain, anxiety, fears and despair. I have spent countless hours with my head in my hands bawling and pleading for relief. It has not always come in the very moment I asked for it, but at times it has flooded over me like a warm blanket. More often than not though it has come slowly, gradually and almost imperceptibly. Sometimes it comes through a family member's phone call at just the right moment, or a treat from a neighbor, or the smile or kind deed of a stranger. I don't believe the pain will ever fully go away in this life and I will never be the same person I was before losing my child. I don't think I really would want it that way though. The pain reminds me of the Love I have for my son, and it makes him real to me until I get to be with him again. I want to be a better, more compassionate person, closer to the spirit, and more willing to submit to the will of my Father in Heaven. I do not know what the Lord's plan for me is, nor what the rest of my life will look like but I put full trust in Him that He will ALWAYS be there when I pray. He will hear my pleadings, comfort me when I let Him, and give me what he knows will be to my greatest benefit (with an eternal view in mind). I know that He knows me better than I even know myself, and that what I want is not always what is the very best for me for my learning and growth. He sees my full potential and who I can become when this life is over. I can only see the here and now. What I want seems so obviously the right thing for me.

I had a very unusual experience just a few weeks before Terik passed away. My youngest son Trevin, who was 2 years old, had been very sick. He had just been released from the hospital and I was holding him in my arms, rocking him. I was looking down at him and thought about how much I loved him and how blessed I was to be his mother, when all of a sudden the thought came to my mind (I believe it was the Holy Ghost, the spirit, a prompting, whatever you want to call it. But I don't believe it was my own thoughts) "What would you do if your son died?", at first I laughed a little and thought "you wouldn't do that to me, I've already lost 2 babies at birth and you know I couldn't handle loosing another child." Then I heard again, "But what would you do if you lost him and he did die?" I thought very earnestly about this and just the thought of it pained me deeply but I answered back after a moment of contemplation, "God, you know I will submit to all thy will, I will do anything thou asks of me. If you need my son back then I will give him to you. It will not be easy but I will do it because really 'HE IS YOUR SON'. He was yours before he was ever mine and his life is in your hands, just as all our lives are in your hands. I will 'NEVER' turn my face from thee. But, please do not take him unless you must." I then felt a deep peace come over me. I thought at the time that God was pleased with me and could see the true devotion of my heart. I thought " This must have been a test to see where my heart was." I didn't have any fear that it was a premonition that my son would die. I had a couple other experiences close to this one that, looking back, I can see that the Lord wanted me to know this was coming, and more importantly, that He was aware of me. God did not stop my son from taking his own life, but He allowed him his agency and somehow knew it was coming. It is not God's fault that my son died, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand or know all of the mysteries or purposes of God right now, but as I try to look to the future with an eternal lens and perspective I find hope knowing that one day God will explain it all to me and that I may even thank Him for the blessings that the experience brought to me. We do not let our children have their dessert before they eat their dinner because we know it is not best for them. We do not let our children run free in the streets, even though they think it sounds super fun, because we know the danger of doing such a thing. If we as parents see and know such seemingly small things are best for our children then doesn't it make since that our Heavenly Father, who is all seeing and perfect , truly knows what is best for us, even if we cannot see or understand it right now? 

Greg Olsen - He feels my pain

These are the things I cling to. I pray with faith, with every step I take, that He will lead me. There are moments when I think I can't take one more breath, yet I know with His help I will see happiness again. It is not God's love for me that wavers when the pain returns and I fear I am drowning again, it is the reality of life and suffering. Because Eve partook of the tree of life we have blessings and challenges. We have the blessings of knowing good from evil, light from darkness, and pleasure from pain. We have to experience the pain and darkness in order to be able to fully appreciate and embrace the light and pleasure that God has to offer. It is not the kind of pleasure the world wants to offer us, for the world only has temporary pleasures that do not bring lasting peace and hope. They are fleeting and leave us empty and wanting in the end. I choose God's way. I choose to have faith and hope that He will lead me through this dark and dreary world and lift me to a higher, better place one day. I look forward to that day, but I will not give in or give up. I have a strong belief that my son was shown mercy and love, that he was taken home to that God that gave him life, and that Terik was encircled in Christ's arms, even though he made a great mistake in taking his own life. I believe that in Terik's limited perspective, his inability to see hope for the future, and his brains illness of depression, that he was not held as accountable as he otherwise would have been. However, I have 40 years of experience, growth, and learning behind me, and I'm not sure God's forgiveness and welcoming would be the same for me if I cheated and came home before my time. Even though the thought has crossed my mind more than once.

 I cling to the hope of an Eternal Family. I have faith in the covenants I have made with God in His Holy Temple, that as I keep the covenants I made with Him, both at baptism and again in the temple, that I will be given the blessing of being with Terik again. I believe that not only will I get to be with him again, but that we will still be a family, never to be separated again. What JOY and comfort this brings me in the face of such great tragedy and loss. This knowledge does not make everything all better, or erase all my pain and fears. My tears are not done falling and I still have so much to learn, but this knowledge makes it bearable. That is what Christ's atonement and His restored gospel has done for me. It gives me hope, even in the face of total despair.

I have prayed for you every day since I was told of your loss. I would never wish this pain upon anyone. No one should ever have to bury their child. Our children are suppose to bury us. I do pray for your peace and happiness, that you will find your own path to healing and hope. I know it may look very different than mine, but that is okay. We are all different, and God knows that. He loves us and accepts us just the way we are. He just wants to be close to us. He wants to love and tutor us so that we can find true eternal happiness, even if that happiness isn't full until we pass from this life. When I think of how much I love my son Terik, and then I think of God's ability and capacity to love... It blows me away, and is totally incomprehensible to think of the amount of love that He must have for me, for you, for Terik, and for your daughter. I feel a kinship with you even though I do not even know you. We share a pain that few know, and I hope you will believe me when I say that I love you, even though I do not know you.

Easter Gratitude

Easter was very different this year.
I bought all the usual trinkets, I filled all the plastic eggs with treats and gifts, we colored hard boiled eggs and did an Easter egg hunt. I watched as my children searched for their hidden Easter baskets. But, the usual excitement of seeing their joyful faces as they saw their earthly treasures wasn't the same as it had been in years past. I contemplated this for a little bit, then I realized something. I wanted more than ever for my children to know the JOY of what Easter really was about. I was sullen wondering if they were searching enough everyday for the greatest gift of all. Did they recognize and feel grateful for the real reason for having Easter. Were they searching for the gift of the Saviors Atonement and Resurrection? Did they realize what amazing gifts these were? Did I? An overwhelming and all encompassing feeling of Love, Peace, Gratitude, and Hope came over me. I knew and felt more grateful than I ever had before for the Atonement and Resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In that moment, I felt so much Love for and from Him and our Father in Heaven. I had to kneel and thank my Heavenly Father for giving me, all of us, the greatest gift the world has ever known, the life of His Son and our Brother. We knelt together as a family and I vocalized my feelings. I couldn't hold it in any more and I started to cry. Great tears of gratitude filled my heart and soul and overflowed into tears upon my cheeks. For I believe that... Tears are my body's way of saying the things my heart can not express in words. I am so grateful that I get to be with my Family FOREVER because of Jesus Christ. I owe Him everything. I will try each day of my life to live in a way that His light might shine through me and touch the life of someone else. This is the only way I know to truly give a gift to Him. My will is the only thing that is truly mine to give, everything else was already given me as a gift from Him.

Provo city center Temple

I was again moved to tears, later in the day, as my 3 year old boy came home from Primary School and said,  "Mom, do you know that Jesus Christ died for us? He was Resurrected and that means that we will be resurrected too." Then with added excitement he said, "Guess what! That means Terik will be Resurrected!" I hugged him and cried and smiled inside thinking, "my children are learning about the true meaning of Easter. One little step at a time."

1 Year without Terik

It's been one year ago today since my world shattered into a million little pieces.  It was 4:21 pm the afternoon of February 25th, 2015. I was doing taxes when I realized, "Hey, Terik should be home by now, I wonder where he is?" I shot him a quick text, "Hey buddy, Where are you?" Not but 1 minute later, his girl friend Celeste shows up crying and in a panic. Terik had sent her a text that scared her. He was basically saying goodbye. We called the police, his therapist, his work, and some of his closest friends, trying to find anyone who had heard from or seen him.
At some point, we knelt down and said a prayer, pleading to God. I prayed that we would be able to find Terik, that he would know how much he was loved and that he would be okay. Then I said something that surprised me, I knew they weren't my thoughts or my words even as they came out of my mouth. I said, "And help 'US' that we will find peace and be okay no matter what happens."  I now look back at it as a tender mercy from God, letting me know that he was aware of me and Terik, that He is over ALL.

We then went out and searched, prayed, called more people, prayed some more, and looked in every place that popped into our heads. We of course called and texted Terik many times also, but never had an answer. Troy and I were still out searching for him when we got a call from the police department. It was about 6:30 pm. They told Troy that they were at our house and asked if we could please come home. I started crying and just saying over and over again, "No! No! No!" I told Troy that he was gone. He kept telling me you don't know that, but I had so many reasons for believing this. I said to Troy, "They didn't even have your phone number, they only had mine." Then trying to catch my breath an in between sobs, "If they found him, and he was alive, they would have told us over the phone not to worry that he is okay.", " And If he was injured they would have asked us to meet them at the hospital.", "If there was no news and they just wanted some official paper work signed they would have simply stated that and said they were still looking for him." I could think of no possible other explanation. I think I still held on to a glimmer of hope until we turned onto our street and saw the 2 big police vehicles sitting in front of our house. I knew at that moment... Yes, My boy is gone... I didn't need anyone to tell me. No, No, this can't be true! It must be a nightmare, WAKEUP Sarah WAKEUP!!! I was suffocating, I fell out of the car onto my hands and knees onto the cement gasping for air and gagging and wrenching. I was totally unaware of the cold hard concrete beneath my hands and body. I couldn't think of anything or anyone except my TERIK. It can't be real, but as the 2 police officers started to approach us I started yelling and screaming at them to go away. (I think there may have even been a few expletives in there and I am not one to swear) I think that somehow I thought that if they didn't officially pronounce him dead, that it wouldn't have really happened. So, when they told us that our son was gone, a new jolt of pain surged through my body and I truly believed that my heart would not be able to handle it and it would just stop beating or explode. I actually prayed and hoped it would in those following days because it hurt so intensely.

The events, from that moment on, are very vague in my mind and I remember very little of it, except for the intense pain I felt. I have never experienced any type of physical or emotional pain that intense in my whole life and I hope to never experience anything like it ever again. A few specific things stand out in my mind....

* The police officers telling us that they needed to make sure we got somewhere safe before they left us. They stayed with us for several hours even after we had a safe place to be. (they were very kind and respectful to us, which made me feel bad later, once I realized how mean I was to them, just for doing their job. But luckily they forgave me)

* Seeking out a priesthood blessing. Our Bishop was not home so we went to our friends house. I know this must have been so difficult for them but they were and have been a God send in our lives ever since.

* Sobbing, Screaming, crying, and even seizing, then we would start this process all over again.

* Telling my children what had happened and watching them fall apart. Feeling the fear of how they would carry such a burden.

*I remember family and friends, both of ours and Teriks, coming to our aid  for days and weeks. They carried with them food, tissues, paper products, dinners, blankets, treats, baskets, money, flowers, gifts, the list goes on and on, but mostly they brought love... lots and lots of love. I remember feeling so much gratitude and love for all of them. There were acts of service for months. I was humbled to tears, over and over again, as I saw the generosity and sympathy of hundreds of people, many of whom we didnt even know. I thought, "There is no way for me to thank all of these people properly and I hope they will know of my gratitude and love for them, even if they don't get a thank you card or personal message." I am pretty sure I could write letters everyday for the rest of my life and never be able to get to every person who served us and continues to serve us. So, I hope if you are reading this that you will feel of my sincere love and heartfelt gratitude for all you have done to bless our lives. Thank You!!! Thank You!!! We love you and don't know how we would have survived this without you.

We found out at around 10:00 pm that our son had taken his own life by suicide. That he had lost his battle with depression and laid in front of a speeding train. His pain must have been so extreme, racking and acute, that a speeding train did not even scare him. The thought of this whole experience, especially the train and the police being at my house, brought me anxiety in the most excruciating way. Every time I thought of it or saw something that triggered a remembrance, my heart would race, I'd break down, my hands got clammy, and I would want to disappear. It scared me and made me worry about my own mental state. Would I ever be able to find relief? Could I ever face this new reality I called life? But today, as I think back about the events of this day, my heart still aches, but it is amazing the difference I now feel. I may not have seen the gradual change and acceptance taking place but it has happened, almost imperceptibility. I know that through the help of all those around me, and my Savior, I have found a new peace. My journey to healing is not finished and I know I still have a long way to go but to be able to look back and see the changes in myself gives me hope for the future. I may one day find my new normal.  As I have clung to Christ, my rock, my one immovable star, I have found relief and help through each moment. The seconds turned into minutes, which turned into hours, then days, then months, and now 1 year. I can't believe it! It has been a whole year. The moments have seemed long and unending and yet time has moved on. The obscurity of time has really made me think. "Does it seem so short a time merely because the pain is still so raw and recent?  Does it seem short because I want to hold to the past and I have quit living for the future? Or maybe some other reason? Time is such an odley relative thing." I have slowly seen myself turning to the present and have a little more hope for the future. I can see now that I can heal from this, that there is sunshine to be found. That is a HUGE thing!

Mount Timpanogos Temple

Today we went to the temple and we took out Terik's endowments. We were surrounding by family. We were supported by friends. It was a bitter sweet day. We felt an acute emptiness at the harsh reality of Terik's absence. Even though his physical presence was missing, we could still feel that he was with us. We could tell that he was grateful for the work of salvation being performed for him. He would now have the ability to move freely in God's kingdom, to accomplish the work the Lord has for him. It's hard to describe the painful emotions I felt thinking about how I wouldn't be able to experience going through the temple with Terik in mortality and all the future milestones of mission, marriage, grandchildren ect... I missed him so much and the sting, sorrow, and grief was unmistakable. Yet as I walked into the Celestial room I had the thought, "This will not be but a minute and I will be with you again Mom". I knew Terik was there with me. He wants to comfort me, he wants to comfort everyone. He continues to help and bless the lives of others from beyond the veil. I have had many people come to me with experiences or dreams that have helped bless or even save their lives. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me! I know they are very personal, which means even more that you would share.  It has helped to bring me peace and know that he is able to do that which he loves best, help others. I now believe he is even more free to move about and experience more fully his eternal progression and bless the lives of others in an even more profound way.

We spent the evening reading stories that others had shared at Terik's funeral and retelling our own personal experiences of his life and our time with him. We laughed, cried, and hugged as we experienced these intense emotions together. When we came home this evening we had a wonderful surprise awaiting us.  A large group of Terik's friends came to share their own stories and love of Terik's life with us. We drove home in the dark, the same way we had 1 year previous, except this time it was a wonderful sight to see. instead of 2 police cars that came bearing such horrible news, we saw these sweet friends holding flowers with letters attached.  I am grateful for being able to turn, what could have been a horrible 1 year mark, into a day of joy and peace amid the tears and anguish. My heart is full once again for the love of family, friends, and a Savior Jesus Christ, who love and support us each step of the way. So though my world was shattered, I am now finding ways to pick up the pieces and create something beautiful. It will never be the same world it was before but it can still be something lovely and wonderful.  

The Greatest Gift!

On Christmas Eve, after all the preparations for Christmas morning were finished, a weight of an extreme magnitude rested on my shoulders. Christmas is tomorrow, there are presents, Santa has come, the pickle is hidden, and there is even beautiful snow falling outside. Yet it doesn't feel like it could possibly be Christmas. For there has never been pain like this in my heart at Christmas. It felt so wrong, this is not what it feels like to have Christmas.We can not have Christmas like this.  I thought to myself, "Find the Joy in all the good things Sarah, there is so much to be thankful for. Even though you are missing Terik and it seems wrong to have Christmas without him, this is the way things are, so make the best of it. You've got to do this for Kylee, Elli, Mari, & Trevs."

Christmas 2014

 
Well. I said that to myself 5, 10, 15 and then 20 times. I could not get the feelings within myself to change. I prayed, begged, pleaded and cried, yet the feelings still remained the same. I walked down to Terik's room, where we had decided to finally clean out and let the girls have their own rooms. They have been pestering us for about 8 months now and we decided it would be a difficult but important gift we could give them for Christmas. It was a surprise and they were very EXCITED about it. All that was left in his room was 4 boxes filled with his earthly belongings, those precious few things that we decided we needed to keep. I sat down on the floor in the middle of his room with one of the boxes filled with awards, recognition's, achievements and small things that would be inconsequential to others but of which are priceless to me. I started talking to Terik and reminding him of all the wonderful things he had done in his life. I told him how hard it was going to be to have Christmas without him this year, every year! I started crying and felt I was going to crack into a million small pieces and I  really wished I would. I then had the words come to my mind, "Let me be there with you mom."

Christmas 2015

I wondered how?  I have thought for weeks now that Terik wanted to give gifts to each of his siblings. I looked and tried to find the perfect gifts for each of them from him. We found a few things that I thought would make them feel Terik's love for them. I even wrote a personal little note on their tag from him. But as I was thinking about how to let him be there with us as I felt he was asking me to do, I thought to give the children something personal of Terik's that would help them feel closer to him and remember him in a happy, positive way. So I filled Terik's stocking (Which Kylee had insisted we hang up, even if it was empty)  with treats and his personal things to share with his siblings.  I then felt inspired to go to my computer and write a letter. The words of what I should say came out easily...
Dear Mom, Dad, Kylee, Elli, Mari, and Trevs,

I love you. I'm so sorry I'm not there, in body, with you to share this beautiful Christmas morning.  I sent the snow to help you feel me close to you today. I'm sorry that I have hurt you. I made many mistakes in my life but the last mistake I made was the greatest. I am trying to move forward and continue to learn and grow and progress here on the other side. Please learn all you can while on earth. It is much easier there to learn from your mistakes and to change than it is here. I do know that Jesus Christ loves me and He loves you too, more then we could comprehend. He wants us all to be happy and to come back and live with Heavenly Father again. Happiness is an eternal word and as humans we try to put it into human terms and it doesn't fit. Happiness is not something we can fully possess on earth but is an eternal blessing from God. On earth we feel that if we are not in this state of happiness all the time then we are broken and something is wrong with us. We are not positive enough, or thoughtful enough, or grateful enough, or loving enough, or just plain ol' not enough! This is not true. Hurt, heartache, loneliness, anger, and yes even despair and sadness are all important parts of being human. They help teach us things we cannot learn in any other way.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. This will help you get through the tough times quicker.  Do not shame yourself or others for the way you, or they, are feeling. All feelings are valid and real. They may not always be understood by others but that does not make them invalid or wrong.

Christmas is for giving, loving, serving, and helping others. If we truly want to worship and celebrate Christ's birth then we should want to please Him and be like Him. There is no better way  to show that we love Christ than to love ourselves and our neighbors (all of God's children). You did good things yesterday. You helped many people to feel loved and have some happiness in their lives. Continue to do that throughout this year. Find ways to serve others, especially in our own family.

I want you to know that I have not left you. Although you cannot see me, I am here. I have just moved to a different room. Please talk to me, listen for my words, laugh with me and about me. I love you and will never leave you. I will welcome you home with such joy when you come but please do not come sooner than you should. Live a long life. Do all you can and find joy. I do not wish you to be sad, if I could wipe away every tear and put in its place a smile of sunshine that filled the whole world, I would. You can let me help you. When you feel like laughing... just do it! Enjoy it! If you feel like crying... do it! Allow it! Then choose to look forward to your life with excitement and anticipation for the next new thing. Keeping those things always in perspective.  We know that "Things" are not important, "People are important".  Love is what it is all about.

I hope that you can enjoy this Christmas. That you will know I'm here with you watching you open every gift, laughing with you, smiling with you, and wishing I could eat a reeses :)

I told mom that I wanted to give you some gifts this Christmas. She helped me by picking some out for you. Some treats, gifts, and some of my personal things that I kept close to my heart and always near me in my room. I hope that you will look at them and remember me with fondness and good memories. That you will remember my life and not my death.  I'm sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that.  I  want to do all I can to help you through your pain. I'm always here, watching over you, loving you and helping you.  So eat some candy and lets laugh today because it's Christmas, The GREATEST day of the Year... Merry Christmas! 

Love, Terik

I then went to bed at 2 in the morning with a little less heaviness than before. I won't lie, this did not take away the deep sadness and emptiness that I was feeling but it helped it seem bearable. Christmas was bearable for all of us. In the morning the kids opened up their stockings or  maybe only half their stockings and then someone noticed Terik's stocking was there filled with things. Everyone stopped what they were doing and we gathered around,  I read them only the last paragraph of the letter at that time and shared with them the gifts that Terik wished to give them on this Christmas morning. This helped bring a spiritual feeling to our crazy morning of spoiled gifts and temporal pleasures.

I know that Our Family is Eternal and I can not adequately express my gratitude to my brother and friend Jesus Christ for this knowledge. He has given "THEE" best and only lasting gift that any of us will ever receive. He has freed us from both Spiritual and Temporal chains. This is a gift I will never be able to repay and something that I will eternally be grateful for. Now more then ever this gift has more meaning to me and gives me greater peace and comfort than any other gift could give. So this Christmas season I celebrate "CHRIST" for he truly is the ONLY reason for the Season. 

Our first COMPLETE family photo