My Testimony

A friend of Terik's is serving a mission in Taiwan and asked me to share my feelings and thoughts with an investigator/friend from his mission. She lost her daughter to suicide a few years ago and has been really struggling ever since. I feel deeply for her and every mother, father, grandparent, sister, brother, aunt, uncle or Friend who have had to suffer such a loss. I have prayed a lot for help in writing to her. I felt a desire to share this on my blog after I finished writing today. Maybe it will reach someone who needs it.  This is a portion of that letter...


I have a belief that we all made a choice to come to earth. I don't believe it was a decision we made lightly or without full mental understanding. I also know that when we chose to come to this earthly existence, that we did so knowing that it would be difficult and there would be some things that would be extremely painful and totally unbearable. I do sometimes think though, that there is no way we really comprehended what it would be like, but we trusted God. We knew that coming to this earth was the only way that we could become like our Heavenly Father and we were willing to suffer anything in order to be like Him. His beauty and majesty defied all description and we trusted Him completely. Then our Heavenly Father showed us a plan where he would send us a Savior. A perfect person that would come to earth and suffer excruciating pains and even death. He did this for us that we could have all of our sins forgiven and so that He could succor us in "ALL of our PAINS & WRONGS". Jesus Christ felt every hurt, disappointment, affliction and wrong that we would ever experience. He did it so that we could bear the burdens and heartaches that would inevitably come to each of us and try to engulf us and pull us under.

LDS.org 

He is our older brother. He loves us so much that he willingly chose to do this for us. My belief in Him has made me turn to Him in total faith knowing that He is truly thee only person that fully understands what I am feeling and the depth of my pain, anxiety, fears and despair. I have spent countless hours with my head in my hands bawling and pleading for relief. It has not always come in the very moment I asked for it, but at times it has flooded over me like a warm blanket. More often than not though it has come slowly, gradually and almost imperceptibly. Sometimes it comes through a family member's phone call at just the right moment, or a treat from a neighbor, or the smile or kind deed of a stranger. I don't believe the pain will ever fully go away in this life and I will never be the same person I was before losing my child. I don't think I really would want it that way though. The pain reminds me of the Love I have for my son, and it makes him real to me until I get to be with him again. I want to be a better, more compassionate person, closer to the spirit, and more willing to submit to the will of my Father in Heaven. I do not know what the Lord's plan for me is, nor what the rest of my life will look like but I put full trust in Him that He will ALWAYS be there when I pray. He will hear my pleadings, comfort me when I let Him, and give me what he knows will be to my greatest benefit (with an eternal view in mind). I know that He knows me better than I even know myself, and that what I want is not always what is the very best for me for my learning and growth. He sees my full potential and who I can become when this life is over. I can only see the here and now. What I want seems so obviously the right thing for me.

I had a very unusual experience just a few weeks before Terik passed away. My youngest son Trevin, who was 2 years old, had been very sick. He had just been released from the hospital and I was holding him in my arms, rocking him. I was looking down at him and thought about how much I loved him and how blessed I was to be his mother, when all of a sudden the thought came to my mind (I believe it was the Holy Ghost, the spirit, a prompting, whatever you want to call it. But I don't believe it was my own thoughts) "What would you do if your son died?", at first I laughed a little and thought "you wouldn't do that to me, I've already lost 2 babies at birth and you know I couldn't handle loosing another child." Then I heard again, "But what would you do if you lost him and he did die?" I thought very earnestly about this and just the thought of it pained me deeply but I answered back after a moment of contemplation, "God, you know I will submit to all thy will, I will do anything thou asks of me. If you need my son back then I will give him to you. It will not be easy but I will do it because really 'HE IS YOUR SON'. He was yours before he was ever mine and his life is in your hands, just as all our lives are in your hands. I will 'NEVER' turn my face from thee. But, please do not take him unless you must." I then felt a deep peace come over me. I thought at the time that God was pleased with me and could see the true devotion of my heart. I thought " This must have been a test to see where my heart was." I didn't have any fear that it was a premonition that my son would die. I had a couple other experiences close to this one that, looking back, I can see that the Lord wanted me to know this was coming, and more importantly, that He was aware of me. God did not stop my son from taking his own life, but He allowed him his agency and somehow knew it was coming. It is not God's fault that my son died, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand or know all of the mysteries or purposes of God right now, but as I try to look to the future with an eternal lens and perspective I find hope knowing that one day God will explain it all to me and that I may even thank Him for the blessings that the experience brought to me. We do not let our children have their dessert before they eat their dinner because we know it is not best for them. We do not let our children run free in the streets, even though they think it sounds super fun, because we know the danger of doing such a thing. If we as parents see and know such seemingly small things are best for our children then doesn't it make since that our Heavenly Father, who is all seeing and perfect , truly knows what is best for us, even if we cannot see or understand it right now? 

Greg Olsen - He feels my pain

These are the things I cling to. I pray with faith, with every step I take, that He will lead me. There are moments when I think I can't take one more breath, yet I know with His help I will see happiness again. It is not God's love for me that wavers when the pain returns and I fear I am drowning again, it is the reality of life and suffering. Because Eve partook of the tree of life we have blessings and challenges. We have the blessings of knowing good from evil, light from darkness, and pleasure from pain. We have to experience the pain and darkness in order to be able to fully appreciate and embrace the light and pleasure that God has to offer. It is not the kind of pleasure the world wants to offer us, for the world only has temporary pleasures that do not bring lasting peace and hope. They are fleeting and leave us empty and wanting in the end. I choose God's way. I choose to have faith and hope that He will lead me through this dark and dreary world and lift me to a higher, better place one day. I look forward to that day, but I will not give in or give up. I have a strong belief that my son was shown mercy and love, that he was taken home to that God that gave him life, and that Terik was encircled in Christ's arms, even though he made a great mistake in taking his own life. I believe that in Terik's limited perspective, his inability to see hope for the future, and his brains illness of depression, that he was not held as accountable as he otherwise would have been. However, I have 40 years of experience, growth, and learning behind me, and I'm not sure God's forgiveness and welcoming would be the same for me if I cheated and came home before my time. Even though the thought has crossed my mind more than once.

 I cling to the hope of an Eternal Family. I have faith in the covenants I have made with God in His Holy Temple, that as I keep the covenants I made with Him, both at baptism and again in the temple, that I will be given the blessing of being with Terik again. I believe that not only will I get to be with him again, but that we will still be a family, never to be separated again. What JOY and comfort this brings me in the face of such great tragedy and loss. This knowledge does not make everything all better, or erase all my pain and fears. My tears are not done falling and I still have so much to learn, but this knowledge makes it bearable. That is what Christ's atonement and His restored gospel has done for me. It gives me hope, even in the face of total despair.

I have prayed for you every day since I was told of your loss. I would never wish this pain upon anyone. No one should ever have to bury their child. Our children are suppose to bury us. I do pray for your peace and happiness, that you will find your own path to healing and hope. I know it may look very different than mine, but that is okay. We are all different, and God knows that. He loves us and accepts us just the way we are. He just wants to be close to us. He wants to love and tutor us so that we can find true eternal happiness, even if that happiness isn't full until we pass from this life. When I think of how much I love my son Terik, and then I think of God's ability and capacity to love... It blows me away, and is totally incomprehensible to think of the amount of love that He must have for me, for you, for Terik, and for your daughter. I feel a kinship with you even though I do not even know you. We share a pain that few know, and I hope you will believe me when I say that I love you, even though I do not know you.