WHY???

I have asked the Question "Why" to myself probably a million times over the last year and a half. Why did Terik have to suffer with depression? Why did he have to die? Why did he take his own life? Why did I not recieve some feeling that he needed me that day? On and on the Why's go....
I never questioned  or blamed God. I felt that He truly knew the why's but I did not and so I sought understanding and peace. Well a beautiful "Peace" came to me this week, in a way that I was not expecting. Which is usually how life works isn't it? When we least expect it things happen... both good and bad things.
My husband gave me a suggestion of a talk to read by Elder John Groberg. It was titled "Come Home, Felila". A few days later, I settled into my daily routine of cleaning, laundry, and dishes. I had this thought pop into my mind "You should listen to that talk Troy told you about, while you are working". So I pulled out my headphones and listened as I worked.

"Now it may seem easy to have faith in God when things are going well. But the law of growth requires constant effort and stretching. Thus, in order to have our faith strengthened, it must be stretched and tried and tested. One of the areas of testing that comes to many of us is when something occurs over which we apparently have little or no control and which to us seems unfair."

I thought, well I believe that is true and I feel pretty good about myself and thankful that my Faith has not wavered in my God through out this trial and many others that I have experienced in my life. Then my pride slowly began to fall away, needingly, as I hear the story of Felila.

Felila was born on a small pacific island to a faithful family. They were all thrilled and excited for her birth. Soon after birth problems arose. Her head was abnormally large and she was diagnosed with hydrocephalus. There was little they could do to help Felila on the island. They started working tirelessly to get her to the United States where she could get the medical help she needed. Letters were sent, living arrangements created, financial help organized, prayer and fasting was constant,  x-rays taken and analyzed then sent back and forth numerous times, then Finally after exasperating delays, things began to fall into place. One morning Elder Groberg, who was serving as the mission president at the time, felt a strong impression that he must go now and make extra effort to get everything done so that Felila could go. He got everything in place and went to give the good news and found out that Felila had just passed away.

Elder Grobergs words to himself, "Gone? This morning? But all the work, all the time, all the fasting and praying and those strong feelings? Gone? NO! WHY? WHY? After all that work and the strong faith of so many and those impressions, why?" He then had a spiritual experience that changed his life. "I heard a voice, such a tender, compassionate voice-yet so unmistakably powerful-that all nature stood still and listened and obeyed."



It said,"Come home Felila, my daughter. Come home to the care your loved ones have sought for you. I have heard their prayers and have known their fasting and love for you, and I answer. Come home, my daughter. You have finished your mission in life. Hearts have been softened; souls have been stretched; faith has been increased. Come home now Felila."

"He knew her! How perfect our Father's love! He had heard the prayers. He had done what was best. He knew everything-which thing, though I believed, I never had supposed. In some marvelous way, which is beyond our mortal comprehension, he knows and understands all things.
My questions as to why-as to justice and reasons-were all at that moment  completely swept away. They were so irrelevant, my questioning so totally out of place, like one trying to dig the Grand Canyon with a teaspoon."

My mind was opened up to a view, just for a moment, of the grandeur of God's plan. All of my Why's were able to be set aside and a peace of knowing God would reveal all the things to me at some point in my life, either this life or the next, settled into my heart with a profound depth. I am thankful for experiences that help to stretch me, teach me, give me understanding. Would I ever have chosen one of those experiences to be this one? Absolutely NOT! Can I trust that it is still for my good? YES! Can I trust that God knows Why? YES! I will trust in HIM forever!

80 foot wave

I dear friend of mine shared this story with me, quite a while back. It expressed so eloquently the feelings of my own heart. I have felt many times that I should share it here, but have yet to do so. However, a sweet family I know lost their child yesterday. The pain and empathy I feel for them is beyond words. Such heartbreak for all they are going through and will go through in the coming months and years. Today there are 80 foot waves beating down... read this and you will better understand what I mean... 

 A person, searching for help, posed the question on the internet,

"My friend just died. I feel lost, scared, and alone. What can I do?" 


One of the reply's... 

"Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents. 

 I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. 

 My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see. 

 As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. 

 In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function.

You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. 

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out. 

 Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks." 

 ~ by G.Snow 

 A tender and compassionate look at grief and loss that I can completely relate to. I wish I could keep each person I have ever loved near me, right until the end. I wish that there was no death, but it isn't so. We all will lose someone we love along the way. There will be hurt and heart break and storms we will all face, sooner or later. Do I wish the storms away? Do I pray for a break in the weather. Of course, but not if it means I would never have known the one I loved so dear. I am grateful for the scars that remind me of the loves I had and lost. I'm thankful for all they have taught me. But the lesson I treasure above them all is the perspective I've gained for this life. People, forgiveness, love, kindness, empathy, patients are what is truly important. I'm learning that what I want very most in life is to love fully, deeply, and often, those I still have. I will continue to weather this storm and be better for it. Better for knowing and loving, and yes even loosing, Terik.

My Testimony

A friend of Terik's is serving a mission in Taiwan and asked me to share my feelings and thoughts with an investigator/friend from his mission. She lost her daughter to suicide a few years ago and has been really struggling ever since. I feel deeply for her and every mother, father, grandparent, sister, brother, aunt, uncle or Friend who have had to suffer such a loss. I have prayed a lot for help in writing to her. I felt a desire to share this on my blog after I finished writing today. Maybe it will reach someone who needs it.  This is a portion of that letter...


I have a belief that we all made a choice to come to earth. I don't believe it was a decision we made lightly or without full mental understanding. I also know that when we chose to come to this earthly existence, that we did so knowing that it would be difficult and there would be some things that would be extremely painful and totally unbearable. I do sometimes think though, that there is no way we really comprehended what it would be like, but we trusted God. We knew that coming to this earth was the only way that we could become like our Heavenly Father and we were willing to suffer anything in order to be like Him. His beauty and majesty defied all description and we trusted Him completely. Then our Heavenly Father showed us a plan where he would send us a Savior. A perfect person that would come to earth and suffer excruciating pains and even death. He did this for us that we could have all of our sins forgiven and so that He could succor us in "ALL of our PAINS & WRONGS". Jesus Christ felt every hurt, disappointment, affliction and wrong that we would ever experience. He did it so that we could bear the burdens and heartaches that would inevitably come to each of us and try to engulf us and pull us under.

LDS.org 

He is our older brother. He loves us so much that he willingly chose to do this for us. My belief in Him has made me turn to Him in total faith knowing that He is truly thee only person that fully understands what I am feeling and the depth of my pain, anxiety, fears and despair. I have spent countless hours with my head in my hands bawling and pleading for relief. It has not always come in the very moment I asked for it, but at times it has flooded over me like a warm blanket. More often than not though it has come slowly, gradually and almost imperceptibly. Sometimes it comes through a family member's phone call at just the right moment, or a treat from a neighbor, or the smile or kind deed of a stranger. I don't believe the pain will ever fully go away in this life and I will never be the same person I was before losing my child. I don't think I really would want it that way though. The pain reminds me of the Love I have for my son, and it makes him real to me until I get to be with him again. I want to be a better, more compassionate person, closer to the spirit, and more willing to submit to the will of my Father in Heaven. I do not know what the Lord's plan for me is, nor what the rest of my life will look like but I put full trust in Him that He will ALWAYS be there when I pray. He will hear my pleadings, comfort me when I let Him, and give me what he knows will be to my greatest benefit (with an eternal view in mind). I know that He knows me better than I even know myself, and that what I want is not always what is the very best for me for my learning and growth. He sees my full potential and who I can become when this life is over. I can only see the here and now. What I want seems so obviously the right thing for me.

I had a very unusual experience just a few weeks before Terik passed away. My youngest son Trevin, who was 2 years old, had been very sick. He had just been released from the hospital and I was holding him in my arms, rocking him. I was looking down at him and thought about how much I loved him and how blessed I was to be his mother, when all of a sudden the thought came to my mind (I believe it was the Holy Ghost, the spirit, a prompting, whatever you want to call it. But I don't believe it was my own thoughts) "What would you do if your son died?", at first I laughed a little and thought "you wouldn't do that to me, I've already lost 2 babies at birth and you know I couldn't handle loosing another child." Then I heard again, "But what would you do if you lost him and he did die?" I thought very earnestly about this and just the thought of it pained me deeply but I answered back after a moment of contemplation, "God, you know I will submit to all thy will, I will do anything thou asks of me. If you need my son back then I will give him to you. It will not be easy but I will do it because really 'HE IS YOUR SON'. He was yours before he was ever mine and his life is in your hands, just as all our lives are in your hands. I will 'NEVER' turn my face from thee. But, please do not take him unless you must." I then felt a deep peace come over me. I thought at the time that God was pleased with me and could see the true devotion of my heart. I thought " This must have been a test to see where my heart was." I didn't have any fear that it was a premonition that my son would die. I had a couple other experiences close to this one that, looking back, I can see that the Lord wanted me to know this was coming, and more importantly, that He was aware of me. God did not stop my son from taking his own life, but He allowed him his agency and somehow knew it was coming. It is not God's fault that my son died, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand or know all of the mysteries or purposes of God right now, but as I try to look to the future with an eternal lens and perspective I find hope knowing that one day God will explain it all to me and that I may even thank Him for the blessings that the experience brought to me. We do not let our children have their dessert before they eat their dinner because we know it is not best for them. We do not let our children run free in the streets, even though they think it sounds super fun, because we know the danger of doing such a thing. If we as parents see and know such seemingly small things are best for our children then doesn't it make since that our Heavenly Father, who is all seeing and perfect , truly knows what is best for us, even if we cannot see or understand it right now? 

Greg Olsen - He feels my pain

These are the things I cling to. I pray with faith, with every step I take, that He will lead me. There are moments when I think I can't take one more breath, yet I know with His help I will see happiness again. It is not God's love for me that wavers when the pain returns and I fear I am drowning again, it is the reality of life and suffering. Because Eve partook of the tree of life we have blessings and challenges. We have the blessings of knowing good from evil, light from darkness, and pleasure from pain. We have to experience the pain and darkness in order to be able to fully appreciate and embrace the light and pleasure that God has to offer. It is not the kind of pleasure the world wants to offer us, for the world only has temporary pleasures that do not bring lasting peace and hope. They are fleeting and leave us empty and wanting in the end. I choose God's way. I choose to have faith and hope that He will lead me through this dark and dreary world and lift me to a higher, better place one day. I look forward to that day, but I will not give in or give up. I have a strong belief that my son was shown mercy and love, that he was taken home to that God that gave him life, and that Terik was encircled in Christ's arms, even though he made a great mistake in taking his own life. I believe that in Terik's limited perspective, his inability to see hope for the future, and his brains illness of depression, that he was not held as accountable as he otherwise would have been. However, I have 40 years of experience, growth, and learning behind me, and I'm not sure God's forgiveness and welcoming would be the same for me if I cheated and came home before my time. Even though the thought has crossed my mind more than once.

 I cling to the hope of an Eternal Family. I have faith in the covenants I have made with God in His Holy Temple, that as I keep the covenants I made with Him, both at baptism and again in the temple, that I will be given the blessing of being with Terik again. I believe that not only will I get to be with him again, but that we will still be a family, never to be separated again. What JOY and comfort this brings me in the face of such great tragedy and loss. This knowledge does not make everything all better, or erase all my pain and fears. My tears are not done falling and I still have so much to learn, but this knowledge makes it bearable. That is what Christ's atonement and His restored gospel has done for me. It gives me hope, even in the face of total despair.

I have prayed for you every day since I was told of your loss. I would never wish this pain upon anyone. No one should ever have to bury their child. Our children are suppose to bury us. I do pray for your peace and happiness, that you will find your own path to healing and hope. I know it may look very different than mine, but that is okay. We are all different, and God knows that. He loves us and accepts us just the way we are. He just wants to be close to us. He wants to love and tutor us so that we can find true eternal happiness, even if that happiness isn't full until we pass from this life. When I think of how much I love my son Terik, and then I think of God's ability and capacity to love... It blows me away, and is totally incomprehensible to think of the amount of love that He must have for me, for you, for Terik, and for your daughter. I feel a kinship with you even though I do not even know you. We share a pain that few know, and I hope you will believe me when I say that I love you, even though I do not know you.

Easter Gratitude

Easter was very different this year.
I bought all the usual trinkets, I filled all the plastic eggs with treats and gifts, we colored hard boiled eggs and did an Easter egg hunt. I watched as my children searched for their hidden Easter baskets. But, the usual excitement of seeing their joyful faces as they saw their earthly treasures wasn't the same as it had been in years past. I contemplated this for a little bit, then I realized something. I wanted more than ever for my children to know the JOY of what Easter really was about. I was sullen wondering if they were searching enough everyday for the greatest gift of all. Did they recognize and feel grateful for the real reason for having Easter. Were they searching for the gift of the Saviors Atonement and Resurrection? Did they realize what amazing gifts these were? Did I? An overwhelming and all encompassing feeling of Love, Peace, Gratitude, and Hope came over me. I knew and felt more grateful than I ever had before for the Atonement and Resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In that moment, I felt so much Love for and from Him and our Father in Heaven. I had to kneel and thank my Heavenly Father for giving me, all of us, the greatest gift the world has ever known, the life of His Son and our Brother. We knelt together as a family and I vocalized my feelings. I couldn't hold it in any more and I started to cry. Great tears of gratitude filled my heart and soul and overflowed into tears upon my cheeks. For I believe that... Tears are my body's way of saying the things my heart can not express in words. I am so grateful that I get to be with my Family FOREVER because of Jesus Christ. I owe Him everything. I will try each day of my life to live in a way that His light might shine through me and touch the life of someone else. This is the only way I know to truly give a gift to Him. My will is the only thing that is truly mine to give, everything else was already given me as a gift from Him.

Provo city center Temple

I was again moved to tears, later in the day, as my 3 year old boy came home from Primary School and said,  "Mom, do you know that Jesus Christ died for us? He was Resurrected and that means that we will be resurrected too." Then with added excitement he said, "Guess what! That means Terik will be Resurrected!" I hugged him and cried and smiled inside thinking, "my children are learning about the true meaning of Easter. One little step at a time."

1 Year without Terik

It's been one year ago today since my world shattered into a million little pieces.  It was 4:21 pm the afternoon of February 25th, 2015. I was doing taxes when I realized, "Hey, Terik should be home by now, I wonder where he is?" I shot him a quick text, "Hey buddy, Where are you?" Not but 1 minute later, his girl friend Celeste shows up crying and in a panic. Terik had sent her a text that scared her. He was basically saying goodbye. We called the police, his therapist, his work, and some of his closest friends, trying to find anyone who had heard from or seen him.
At some point, we knelt down and said a prayer, pleading to God. I prayed that we would be able to find Terik, that he would know how much he was loved and that he would be okay. Then I said something that surprised me, I knew they weren't my thoughts or my words even as they came out of my mouth. I said, "And help 'US' that we will find peace and be okay no matter what happens."  I now look back at it as a tender mercy from God, letting me know that he was aware of me and Terik, that He is over ALL.

We then went out and searched, prayed, called more people, prayed some more, and looked in every place that popped into our heads. We of course called and texted Terik many times also, but never had an answer. Troy and I were still out searching for him when we got a call from the police department. It was about 6:30 pm. They told Troy that they were at our house and asked if we could please come home. I started crying and just saying over and over again, "No! No! No!" I told Troy that he was gone. He kept telling me you don't know that, but I had so many reasons for believing this. I said to Troy, "They didn't even have your phone number, they only had mine." Then trying to catch my breath an in between sobs, "If they found him, and he was alive, they would have told us over the phone not to worry that he is okay.", " And If he was injured they would have asked us to meet them at the hospital.", "If there was no news and they just wanted some official paper work signed they would have simply stated that and said they were still looking for him." I could think of no possible other explanation. I think I still held on to a glimmer of hope until we turned onto our street and saw the 2 big police vehicles sitting in front of our house. I knew at that moment... Yes, My boy is gone... I didn't need anyone to tell me. No, No, this can't be true! It must be a nightmare, WAKEUP Sarah WAKEUP!!! I was suffocating, I fell out of the car onto my hands and knees onto the cement gasping for air and gagging and wrenching. I was totally unaware of the cold hard concrete beneath my hands and body. I couldn't think of anything or anyone except my TERIK. It can't be real, but as the 2 police officers started to approach us I started yelling and screaming at them to go away. (I think there may have even been a few expletives in there and I am not one to swear) I think that somehow I thought that if they didn't officially pronounce him dead, that it wouldn't have really happened. So, when they told us that our son was gone, a new jolt of pain surged through my body and I truly believed that my heart would not be able to handle it and it would just stop beating or explode. I actually prayed and hoped it would in those following days because it hurt so intensely.

The events, from that moment on, are very vague in my mind and I remember very little of it, except for the intense pain I felt. I have never experienced any type of physical or emotional pain that intense in my whole life and I hope to never experience anything like it ever again. A few specific things stand out in my mind....

* The police officers telling us that they needed to make sure we got somewhere safe before they left us. They stayed with us for several hours even after we had a safe place to be. (they were very kind and respectful to us, which made me feel bad later, once I realized how mean I was to them, just for doing their job. But luckily they forgave me)

* Seeking out a priesthood blessing. Our Bishop was not home so we went to our friends house. I know this must have been so difficult for them but they were and have been a God send in our lives ever since.

* Sobbing, Screaming, crying, and even seizing, then we would start this process all over again.

* Telling my children what had happened and watching them fall apart. Feeling the fear of how they would carry such a burden.

*I remember family and friends, both of ours and Teriks, coming to our aid  for days and weeks. They carried with them food, tissues, paper products, dinners, blankets, treats, baskets, money, flowers, gifts, the list goes on and on, but mostly they brought love... lots and lots of love. I remember feeling so much gratitude and love for all of them. There were acts of service for months. I was humbled to tears, over and over again, as I saw the generosity and sympathy of hundreds of people, many of whom we didnt even know. I thought, "There is no way for me to thank all of these people properly and I hope they will know of my gratitude and love for them, even if they don't get a thank you card or personal message." I am pretty sure I could write letters everyday for the rest of my life and never be able to get to every person who served us and continues to serve us. So, I hope if you are reading this that you will feel of my sincere love and heartfelt gratitude for all you have done to bless our lives. Thank You!!! Thank You!!! We love you and don't know how we would have survived this without you.

We found out at around 10:00 pm that our son had taken his own life by suicide. That he had lost his battle with depression and laid in front of a speeding train. His pain must have been so extreme, racking and acute, that a speeding train did not even scare him. The thought of this whole experience, especially the train and the police being at my house, brought me anxiety in the most excruciating way. Every time I thought of it or saw something that triggered a remembrance, my heart would race, I'd break down, my hands got clammy, and I would want to disappear. It scared me and made me worry about my own mental state. Would I ever be able to find relief? Could I ever face this new reality I called life? But today, as I think back about the events of this day, my heart still aches, but it is amazing the difference I now feel. I may not have seen the gradual change and acceptance taking place but it has happened, almost imperceptibility. I know that through the help of all those around me, and my Savior, I have found a new peace. My journey to healing is not finished and I know I still have a long way to go but to be able to look back and see the changes in myself gives me hope for the future. I may one day find my new normal.  As I have clung to Christ, my rock, my one immovable star, I have found relief and help through each moment. The seconds turned into minutes, which turned into hours, then days, then months, and now 1 year. I can't believe it! It has been a whole year. The moments have seemed long and unending and yet time has moved on. The obscurity of time has really made me think. "Does it seem so short a time merely because the pain is still so raw and recent?  Does it seem short because I want to hold to the past and I have quit living for the future? Or maybe some other reason? Time is such an odley relative thing." I have slowly seen myself turning to the present and have a little more hope for the future. I can see now that I can heal from this, that there is sunshine to be found. That is a HUGE thing!

Mount Timpanogos Temple

Today we went to the temple and we took out Terik's endowments. We were surrounding by family. We were supported by friends. It was a bitter sweet day. We felt an acute emptiness at the harsh reality of Terik's absence. Even though his physical presence was missing, we could still feel that he was with us. We could tell that he was grateful for the work of salvation being performed for him. He would now have the ability to move freely in God's kingdom, to accomplish the work the Lord has for him. It's hard to describe the painful emotions I felt thinking about how I wouldn't be able to experience going through the temple with Terik in mortality and all the future milestones of mission, marriage, grandchildren ect... I missed him so much and the sting, sorrow, and grief was unmistakable. Yet as I walked into the Celestial room I had the thought, "This will not be but a minute and I will be with you again Mom". I knew Terik was there with me. He wants to comfort me, he wants to comfort everyone. He continues to help and bless the lives of others from beyond the veil. I have had many people come to me with experiences or dreams that have helped bless or even save their lives. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me! I know they are very personal, which means even more that you would share.  It has helped to bring me peace and know that he is able to do that which he loves best, help others. I now believe he is even more free to move about and experience more fully his eternal progression and bless the lives of others in an even more profound way.

We spent the evening reading stories that others had shared at Terik's funeral and retelling our own personal experiences of his life and our time with him. We laughed, cried, and hugged as we experienced these intense emotions together. When we came home this evening we had a wonderful surprise awaiting us.  A large group of Terik's friends came to share their own stories and love of Terik's life with us. We drove home in the dark, the same way we had 1 year previous, except this time it was a wonderful sight to see. instead of 2 police cars that came bearing such horrible news, we saw these sweet friends holding flowers with letters attached.  I am grateful for being able to turn, what could have been a horrible 1 year mark, into a day of joy and peace amid the tears and anguish. My heart is full once again for the love of family, friends, and a Savior Jesus Christ, who love and support us each step of the way. So though my world was shattered, I am now finding ways to pick up the pieces and create something beautiful. It will never be the same world it was before but it can still be something lovely and wonderful.  

The Greatest Gift!

On Christmas Eve, after all the preparations for Christmas morning were finished, a weight of an extreme magnitude rested on my shoulders. Christmas is tomorrow, there are presents, Santa has come, the pickle is hidden, and there is even beautiful snow falling outside. Yet it doesn't feel like it could possibly be Christmas. For there has never been pain like this in my heart at Christmas. It felt so wrong, this is not what it feels like to have Christmas.We can not have Christmas like this.  I thought to myself, "Find the Joy in all the good things Sarah, there is so much to be thankful for. Even though you are missing Terik and it seems wrong to have Christmas without him, this is the way things are, so make the best of it. You've got to do this for Kylee, Elli, Mari, & Trevs."

Christmas 2014

 
Well. I said that to myself 5, 10, 15 and then 20 times. I could not get the feelings within myself to change. I prayed, begged, pleaded and cried, yet the feelings still remained the same. I walked down to Terik's room, where we had decided to finally clean out and let the girls have their own rooms. They have been pestering us for about 8 months now and we decided it would be a difficult but important gift we could give them for Christmas. It was a surprise and they were very EXCITED about it. All that was left in his room was 4 boxes filled with his earthly belongings, those precious few things that we decided we needed to keep. I sat down on the floor in the middle of his room with one of the boxes filled with awards, recognition's, achievements and small things that would be inconsequential to others but of which are priceless to me. I started talking to Terik and reminding him of all the wonderful things he had done in his life. I told him how hard it was going to be to have Christmas without him this year, every year! I started crying and felt I was going to crack into a million small pieces and I  really wished I would. I then had the words come to my mind, "Let me be there with you mom."

Christmas 2015

I wondered how?  I have thought for weeks now that Terik wanted to give gifts to each of his siblings. I looked and tried to find the perfect gifts for each of them from him. We found a few things that I thought would make them feel Terik's love for them. I even wrote a personal little note on their tag from him. But as I was thinking about how to let him be there with us as I felt he was asking me to do, I thought to give the children something personal of Terik's that would help them feel closer to him and remember him in a happy, positive way. So I filled Terik's stocking (Which Kylee had insisted we hang up, even if it was empty)  with treats and his personal things to share with his siblings.  I then felt inspired to go to my computer and write a letter. The words of what I should say came out easily...
Dear Mom, Dad, Kylee, Elli, Mari, and Trevs,

I love you. I'm so sorry I'm not there, in body, with you to share this beautiful Christmas morning.  I sent the snow to help you feel me close to you today. I'm sorry that I have hurt you. I made many mistakes in my life but the last mistake I made was the greatest. I am trying to move forward and continue to learn and grow and progress here on the other side. Please learn all you can while on earth. It is much easier there to learn from your mistakes and to change than it is here. I do know that Jesus Christ loves me and He loves you too, more then we could comprehend. He wants us all to be happy and to come back and live with Heavenly Father again. Happiness is an eternal word and as humans we try to put it into human terms and it doesn't fit. Happiness is not something we can fully possess on earth but is an eternal blessing from God. On earth we feel that if we are not in this state of happiness all the time then we are broken and something is wrong with us. We are not positive enough, or thoughtful enough, or grateful enough, or loving enough, or just plain ol' not enough! This is not true. Hurt, heartache, loneliness, anger, and yes even despair and sadness are all important parts of being human. They help teach us things we cannot learn in any other way.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. This will help you get through the tough times quicker.  Do not shame yourself or others for the way you, or they, are feeling. All feelings are valid and real. They may not always be understood by others but that does not make them invalid or wrong.

Christmas is for giving, loving, serving, and helping others. If we truly want to worship and celebrate Christ's birth then we should want to please Him and be like Him. There is no better way  to show that we love Christ than to love ourselves and our neighbors (all of God's children). You did good things yesterday. You helped many people to feel loved and have some happiness in their lives. Continue to do that throughout this year. Find ways to serve others, especially in our own family.

I want you to know that I have not left you. Although you cannot see me, I am here. I have just moved to a different room. Please talk to me, listen for my words, laugh with me and about me. I love you and will never leave you. I will welcome you home with such joy when you come but please do not come sooner than you should. Live a long life. Do all you can and find joy. I do not wish you to be sad, if I could wipe away every tear and put in its place a smile of sunshine that filled the whole world, I would. You can let me help you. When you feel like laughing... just do it! Enjoy it! If you feel like crying... do it! Allow it! Then choose to look forward to your life with excitement and anticipation for the next new thing. Keeping those things always in perspective.  We know that "Things" are not important, "People are important".  Love is what it is all about.

I hope that you can enjoy this Christmas. That you will know I'm here with you watching you open every gift, laughing with you, smiling with you, and wishing I could eat a reeses :)

I told mom that I wanted to give you some gifts this Christmas. She helped me by picking some out for you. Some treats, gifts, and some of my personal things that I kept close to my heart and always near me in my room. I hope that you will look at them and remember me with fondness and good memories. That you will remember my life and not my death.  I'm sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that.  I  want to do all I can to help you through your pain. I'm always here, watching over you, loving you and helping you.  So eat some candy and lets laugh today because it's Christmas, The GREATEST day of the Year... Merry Christmas! 

Love, Terik

I then went to bed at 2 in the morning with a little less heaviness than before. I won't lie, this did not take away the deep sadness and emptiness that I was feeling but it helped it seem bearable. Christmas was bearable for all of us. In the morning the kids opened up their stockings or  maybe only half their stockings and then someone noticed Terik's stocking was there filled with things. Everyone stopped what they were doing and we gathered around,  I read them only the last paragraph of the letter at that time and shared with them the gifts that Terik wished to give them on this Christmas morning. This helped bring a spiritual feeling to our crazy morning of spoiled gifts and temporal pleasures.

I know that Our Family is Eternal and I can not adequately express my gratitude to my brother and friend Jesus Christ for this knowledge. He has given "THEE" best and only lasting gift that any of us will ever receive. He has freed us from both Spiritual and Temporal chains. This is a gift I will never be able to repay and something that I will eternally be grateful for. Now more then ever this gift has more meaning to me and gives me greater peace and comfort than any other gift could give. So this Christmas season I celebrate "CHRIST" for he truly is the ONLY reason for the Season. 

Our first COMPLETE family photo

Tis' the Season

Christmas is a magical time of year. Everyone has the love of neighbor and a Christ-like spirit about them. The air is crisp and children are full of Joy and Excitement! There are Santa's on every corner bringing cheer to boys and girls. The story of the glorious birth of Jesus is seen, heard, and proclaimed all around.  I have often wondered, "How could I keep this feeling of Christmas with me throughout the whole year".  I have always loved everything about the Christmas Season and Terik loved it even more than I did. This has made it even harder for me as I feel the heavy dread of each tradition lurking waiting for me to fulfill it. It weighs upon me like a chore to be accomplished rather than a pleasure to be enjoyed. I did know that Christmas would be difficult this year. I had warned myself and prepared for it even but unfortunately I didn't understand, not in the ways I'm experiencing it anyway. I expected the day of Christmas to not be filled with the same excitement as years past and I expected that there would be that hole in my heart, aching and burning. However, I never thought about the thousand other things that would be effected. All the things that go along with, "Tis'", the Season.  Some of the most simple things that always brought a smile to my face are now the very things that send daggers into my heart. I've heard that sometimes our greatest joys are also our greatest sorrows.

The Christmas Pickle

Here is a small example... The pickle that sits on my shelf. I didn't realize it would bring me to tears every time I walked past it. The pickle is a newer tradition that we had adopted. The idea is that it is hidden in the Christmas tree on Christmas eve,  then in the morning everyone searches for it. Whomever finds it gets to open the first present of Christmas.  They then get to choose one for someone else. It was an exciting new addition to our list of traditions. Everyone loved it. Terik found the pickle last year and whenever I see it there, waiting to be hid, I think of the excitement on his face after everyone searched for it for a good 5 minutes and he yelled "I FOUND IT".  I see it sitting there and the tears begin to flow, while thinking... "How do we hide the pickle? How do we do it without him here to help us find it? Why does it seem that the world has stopped for me? Everyone else seems like they are moving about so quickly. How did the world not stop spinning for them? We can't have Christmas without Terik!!! It will never be the same. He made it so fun for all of us. I have to do it for my kids. I have to make it as fun as I can." So I wipe off my tears, stick out my chin, and press forward. This is just one of many examples.

Temple Square : SLC, UT

We went to see the lights at Temple Square in SLC, another annual tradition, and it felt colder than normal. We all could feel the sadness of his absence but at the same time I had a tender thing happen. I noticed all the lights in the trees seemed brighter than normal. It made me wonder if Terik was there with us after all.

Tis' the Season to be with Family, Tis' the Season to be Jolly, Tis' the Season to build snowmen, drink hot chocolate, sit by the fireplace and read a Christmas story, reenact the Saviors birth, dress up as Joseph or be a shepherd, to have Parties, be with friends, do a kind deed, decorate a gingerbread house, make a treat for the neighbors, and did I mention.... be with family? Terik's absence is tangible in everything we see, hear, feel, and do. Even in the foods we eat. Nothing tastes as sweet and with every bite I'm wondering... "Does Terik miss this food, does he wish he could have a little bite?"

We know that we will be with Terik again someday. We do not waver in our conviction of this, it's just that the waiting is long and the loneliness is very hard. I want to be real here and say that this is the hardest month I have had since month 1. He really should be here! It has been snowing here everyday this week and I know that it is for me. He is trying to tell me, "Look Mom, I'm not so far, look all around you, you will see me." I have always loved the snow but I love it even more now. The fresh fallen snow feels like a big blanketed hug that is covering me and comforting me. It is so pure and white and it makes everything else glitter and glow. As I have been trying to find my balance these last several weeks I have felt such a myriad of emotions. Guilt for not feeling happier, for not letting this season be everything it has been in the past,  for not being able to be 100% for my children, for not helping others more and for 1,000 other things. Sadness for myself, my children, and all of Terik's family and friends who also miss him. Despair, wondering if things will ever feel "Normal" again. Weakness, because I can't pull it together.  Gratitude for a Savior who loved me enough to come to this retched world and take upon Himself the pains of all mankind.  He has made the sting of death bearable. I can not even imagine the pain I would feel if it were not for Him.  With Christ we can do all things and most important to me is the miracle of getting to be with my loved ones again. Blessed be the name of the most high God for sending us His Only Begotten Son. This truly Tis' the season to Praise Him, love Him, and thank Him for everything.
I know all these things as truth and yet the emotions and confusion of 100's of other feelings overpower me, too often. Then last night I heard this song by Hilary Weeks and it made me realize that I needed to relax, love, and allow myself the same courtesy I would allow anyone else. Just listen.... You will see what I'm trying to say.

I love this heart wrenching and tender song by Hilary Weeks. I also love you all.
Thank you for allowing me to cry. Sometimes alone and sometimes with you. Thank you for not trying to rush me through my grieving. I know I push myself more than anyone else does. I thought I would feel a certain way by the time Christmas came around, because it will be 10 months on Christmas Day, but for some strange reason that makes me feel worse.  I have evaluated this and decided it is because I have an expectation of what I want to feel (or should feel) by the 1 year mark and I feel 1,000 miles away from reaching that place. I have decided I need to take the advice from this song to heart and allow myself the right to Cry. Whenever, wherever and for however long I need to. I'm just going to let it out. I'm giving myself the space, love, and time I need. Thank you all for helping me on my journey and especially for helping my children when I feel I am not strong enough to do so. Thank you for your prayers of faith that we all have felt. Without all my Heavenly and Earthly Angels I would not have ever made it this far!!!
God Bless you and I truly wish you the most Heartfelt Merry Christmas!!!

The First Thanksgiving!!!

Well, we have the first Thanksgiving without Terik behind us. I have to say this feels like a victory, and yet a huge loss at the same time. The dread and fear of the day started out with a very heavy heart, followed by crying and sobs. When I got done mourning the Thanksgivings of the past and how they will never be quite the same, I got up and decided to face the day. I had previously decided that my kids needed to see that even though we miss Terik we can still find Joy, and there is so many good moments to come. So it made the decision to get out of bed, get dressed, and put a smile on, a whole lot easier. As an adult I have a different perspective than I did as a child. I have gone through some very hard things in my life and found that I was able to make it through them, even when there were moments when I thought I never could.  I hope and pray everyday that my children will be able to have a perspective that is beyond their years.  That they will see that the pain of loss, as hard as it is, is not the end. We can find rainbows, see the sunlight again, and yes even find joy in the holidays. As I headed out my bedroom door I took a deep breath and told myself... "Terik would want us to enjoy this day. Spending time with family was his favorite, especially the Holidays. So if I can try my best to find joy today, the greater chance I'll have of feeling him close to me today."

     

Thanksgiving 2015

We did something very non-traditional this year for Thanksgiving (for "our" family anyway).  I thought the change up of the day would make the hollow place in my heart feel a little less gaping.... it worked!!! We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant (thanks to my amazing sister and brother-in-law). I'm not sure if what made it easier was not having to cook and do all the dishes or if it was because it felt less like Thanksgiving and more like a really nice dinner with family. But either way maybe this was exactly what I needed this year. We did do something very traditional however. We went to a Thanksgiving day movie, along with the rest of the world I think. We saw "The Good Dinosaur" which my kids loved, and the adults thoroughly enjoyed also.

Thanksgiving 2014

So, Thanksgiving day went off better than expected but the thing that threw me for a loop came the next day. Terik's friend had invited us over to his house for an LDS mission opening. This is where they open and read the letter from the first presidency of the Church that tells them where they will serve their mission. I was very excited for him, and I was so grateful he thought to invite us.  As he read the words of his letter this thick, tingling, numb feeling started to fill my chest... you know the one that comes right before you break into tears. It's almost as if the tears all filling up your lungs as you try to hold them in. Usually for me once I hit this point there is no turning back, the sob fest is inevitable! I was grateful to have Troy there to hold onto and walk out the door with. He has been my support and strength over and over again through the last 9 months. When things seem unbearable he has a way of holding me up until I can stand again. I love him and am so grateful he is my husband. I am truly blessed!!! I feel no one understands me completely except God but Troy is a very close second. I know that he feels the loss, heartbreak, and pain just as I do. He just shows it and experiences it in different ways than me. It is amazing how often we will exchange a look, an acknowledgement of total understanding, where no words are needed (because there are probably not the words anyway). When something difficult is said or a situation arises that brings a sting or stab of pain, a glance is all it takes. It is nice to feel understood when I spend a lot of my time feeling out of place, awkward, and lost. As we sat in the car and cried, after the mission opening, I expressed to Troy how hard it is to feel like there is a huge hole inside of me. I had heard the expression before, "It feels like half of me is gone", and I thought I could understand or at least sympathize with someone who was feeling that way. But it wasn't until this experience of loosing Terik that I truly understand it. Terik was a part of my everyday life for over 18 years. I was pregnant with him when I was 21. I spent everyday of my life from that moment forward trying to love and teach him the best way I knew how. There are many thoughts, hopes, and dreams of the future that are discussed in those many years. What college to go to, what friends to hang out with, what to study, whether to serve a mission, what career would he enjoy most, what kind of Husband he would be, what sort of girl did he want to marry, what type of father would he be (he would have been the greatest ever BTW, I'm pretty sure of that one), and so on. All of these experiences that come up are a reminder to me that a portion of my future, my life, part of who I am, was ripped from me. There is a huge gaping void where Terik, surrounded by wife, children, work, holidays, etc.., should fill.  I felt at a loss for words to express this feeling I was having and the intensity of it in that moment. I proceeded to try and make a parallel to a different loss.  I told Troy,

"I imagine that if I lost my legs and was wheel chair bound there would be an extreme loss for the future that I thought I was going to have of skiing, running a 5k, hiking up to a waterfall, country dancing, and just going for a walk for the heck of it. I imagine that I would feel trapped, robbed, even angry. I could see that the overwhelming loss could engulf me. I'm sure I would eventually find a way to get around it. Finding joy in what I could do. Discovering new dreams and ways to accomplish the things I desired. But my legs would never be back. Just as a part of me, not a metaphorical emotional part of me, but a tangible, physical part of me, "that IS me",will never be whole again without Terik. Not in this life anyway."  

The best way I can explain it is that I not only lost my son but I lost a huge part of me. Not just a part of my heart, but a part of my future, of the grandchildren and great grandchildren I was suppose to have. I lost the time spent writing letters to my son on a mission, meeting a new daughter as he took a wife and each little addition to our family as they came. I know it may seem weird to some that I am mourning the loss of things that had not even become mine yet but it is amazing how much you think about the future without even realizing it. I didn't realize how much my present life was intertwined with the future of not just myself but of my children until that future is no longer a possibility. I do see that little by little I am finding ways to deal with the loss of my present and future life as I knew it and looking for ways to more fully enjoy the new future I have been forced to create.

A Slot in Time

It's fall break, UEA weekend, and we decided to go to Southern Utah to see my family and  enjoy the beauty of Gods creations. This was our 3rd time doing the Bryce Canyon Willis Creek slot canyon hike. One year ago, this same weekend, during fall break for our kids. Troy brought all the children except for Trevin (who was too little) to do this fun hike that we had so loved the first time we did it in 2007 for my husbands family reunion. 

With Cousins

          

2007 Willis Creek

It was a great experience. The kids always have so much fun. The pictures they got from last year were priceless,  something that I'm so grateful we have.  They show Terik's energy and excitement for life, for nature, and the love he has for his family. As we did this hike a few days ago it brought mixed emotions. Feelings of *Guilt, Sadness, Joy, Thankfulness and Hope.

*Guilt that I didn't go last year with them. Wishing that I would have made the sacrifice to go. It's a memory I missed out on and will never get back. It made me realize how imported it will be to do so in the future. Even though the sacrifice might seem like a big thing in the moment, later as we look back, they are often the treasures that we will hold on to as the most cherished moments of our lives. 

2014 Willis Creek

* Sadness because my precious Terik wasn't here to do this with us. He was always the leader and made everything exciting and fun. Sometimes teenagers seem to find the negative in every situation,  so it's hard to do much of anything that will please them. But not Terik!  He was quite the opposite.  He helped everyone see the bright side if everything.  When someone got hurt, he would hug them and help them feel loved then find a way to laugh and help them have fun again as quickly as possible. 

* Joy to be together with my family. To have 4 beautiful children to love and raise.  I enjoyed, so much, watching them. They laughed,  played, ran and got dirty. They talked about Terik in positive ways.  Remembering the good times they had with him there. I know this is a healing thing for their souls.

*Thankfulness for having so many wonderful memories with Terik. Thankful he enjoyed nature and hiking. Thankful for his excitement in new experiences that was so contagious. Thankful he is my son. Thankful that I got to spend almost 18 years of my life with him. Thankful for all he has taught me and continues to teach me. Thankful for each one of my unique children with their own special talents.

*Hope of having all 7 of my children with me again someday. All of us together as a family, building new memories together. Hope of being reunited and never having to be apart again. Hope of getting to see my 4 remaining babies grow and learn and watch as their beautiful lives unfold. 

2015 Willis Creek

So here was a little glimpse down memory lane as I look at our 3 trips to the slot canyons. We have  had different Slots of Time in our lives. Some feel happy, full of joy and fun. Others seem hopeless and never ending. But, with each slot in our lives there comes new learning and growth that have helped me to enjoy the good moments more. Even if the good are laced with a tinge of sadness. I wouldn't trade one moment, one memory. I'm so THANKFUL for everyone.

Conner's Gift

A little over a month ago one of Terik's best friends brought over a gift for us, a special gift that he had been making for over 6 months. He said he wanted it to be perfect. He didn't want to give it to us until it was just right. He was leaving for College in Hawaii the next day, so he needed to finish it and give it to us before he left. It was a perfect drawing and it made all of us shed many tears as we looked at it. It was a chalk pastel drawing of Terik looking up into the eyes of the Savior as He reached out in mercy to lift Terik up. He was lifting him from the darkness, from his sorrow and his pain, ready to take him into His arms and embrace him. There is no heartache in Terik's eyes, no shame, no anger, or fear. He was at peace because he knew the Savior. Terik could feel of His love and forgiveness for all of his mistakes and sins. Terik had lived his whole life reaching to the Savior, trying to become like Him, and wanting to please Him and keep all of His commandments. I have no doubt that Terik recognized the Savior when he saw Him.
This amazing pastel bore such a strong resemblance to Terik, it was unmistakable. It was touching to me that Conner, who is a busy 18 year old, would take the time to spend hours and months on a gift for us.  He was graduating from high-school, getting ready to go to college, working. He most likely was trying to enjoy his last few months of being home before moving away, probably for the last time. I'm sure he had many things that he could have been doing. He could have found ways to busy and distract himself from the fact that he had just lost one of his very best friends,who had been his friend from the time they were 8. He could have chosen to avoid his own pain and grief of loosing Terik, but instead he did something that made him think about Terik every single day. He faced the pain and fear. I am sure that even though this was a difficult task, that in the long run it will prove to be a very healing experience for him.

    

Conner's Pastel of Terik

He brought his gift over with a letter and a big hug filled with "LOVE". I asked him if I could share his picture and some of his words here on my blog and he said, "of course".
Here is a little part of his letter where he told of his experience and what inspired him to draw this beautiful piece of artwork.

"After hearing of Terik's passing I was trying to find something happy and hopeful to hold onto. Then the image you see before you entered into my mind. I felt as if I was looking through the eyes of the Savior as He was welcoming Terik into His arms. As soon as the image faded I knew I had to do my best to recreate it."


I could feel the spirit in which Conner drew and presented this gift to us. He was humble and filled with love for Terik and for us. He also was expressing his own love and faith in the Savior Jesus Christ.


I love this picture so much that it has become a focal point in our living room. I wanted my kids input in this decision and so I gave all my girls several different options of what we should put in our living room. They chose this piece of Art.

Our living room

Conner had copies (reproductions) of this picture made for all of Terik's friends in our neighborhood. One of Teriks dear friends sent this message, along with this picture, to his mom. He is serving his mission in Maine.  His mother is one of my good friends and forwarded this onto me.

Brayden's study desk

"Connor brought over the picture he made for you the night before Brayden left on his mission.  They embraced and cried as they talked about Terik and that he would be with both of them on their journeys.  That picture is a treasure to Brayden because it represents the bond he has with both Terik and Connor and it represents the Atonement of Jesus Christ so beautifully.  I wanted you to see this picture of Brayden’s desk in his apartment in Maine where he does all his planning and studying.  That picture of Terik is front and center.  Brayden will always have a special place in his heart for one of his dearest childhood friends. I know Terik's spirit and example will help empower Brayden to boldly testify of Jesus Christ and His Atonement which covers everything!"

I am so thankful for so many wonderful friends who loved and continue to love Terik. They blessed his life and continue to bless mine. Today has been a good day. I am thankful when I have a day like today where I can feel peace and a closeness to God and my boy. 

Bread

I met an overly friendly,  kind, and well-intentioned, women in the store yesterday.  However, she opened a wound in me that I didn't know existed.  Some of my wounds are obvious because they are gaping open.  I protect and cover these sores so they can heal properly. I realize they need to be carefully cared for so they do not get infected or scabbed over, later becoming scarred. I understand that extremely deep scars cause a lot of pain that often can never be fixed with out surgery and additional, unneeded pain. 

So anyway, back to my story.  This sweet lady opened a wound, poured in salt and rubbed it around a bit. It was Saturday evening and I was buying some staples for the upcoming week; milk, bread,  eggs,  etc. I headed to the cash register and got in the shortest line I could find.  Bread was on sale so I bought 6 loaves. My well-intentioned friend, whom we will call Suzy, since we don't know her name, was standing right behind me in the line. She strikes up a conversation with me by saying "How many children do you have?"

Being caught off guard I hesitated, wondering which number to choose. Should I say 5, 7, or 4? Then as if I had run out of time, I blurted out "5".

I didn't know buying "Bread" could be so hard!

  Suzy cheerfully said, "I figured you must have a big family, with all this bread you're buying." Laughing at her own joke. "Kids eat so much don't they?"

"Yes" I replied. Then broke eye contact trying to end the conversation.

"Are any of your children teenagers?" Suzy pressed curiously.

I nodded in the affirmative.

"How many? Any boys?" She questioned.

Seriously! How much salt do you have? I thought. Another long period of silence was followed by my introspective reply,  "Yes, I have 2 teenagers.  One boy and one girl."

Suzy exclaims, "Can you believe how much teenage boys eat? I actually didn't even realize how much my Teenage son was eating until he went off to college this year. When he left our grocery bill was cut in half." Another chuckle followed. 

I looked away again, as the tears started welling up. I tried with all my might to not have a major breakdown in the middle of our local grocery store. My mind had started racing rapidly with so many questions and thoughts. "I bet her son knew Terik, and I bet she knows about his death. Terik should be starting college this year just like her son. Terik would have moved out also. He should have taken all his stuff with him. Instead his stuff is sitting in his room waiting for me to sift through it, deciding what things I can bare to part with. He would probably be coming home for Sunday dinner tomorrow, telling me all about his first week of college life. 

Anger flared up inside me.  Should I yell back at Suzy? Could I say,  "CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS?  MY SON IS DEAD! So this is a very painful and uncomfortable conversion for me!"  I knew it wasn't her fault though. She had no idea what my life entailed, about my story, or the struggles I was having just to get through a day. She was just trying to strike up pleasant conversation probably hoping to make my day a little more cheery. So I restrained myself and decided to put on my fake smile and be kind back to her instead. "Yes", I said. "It is so true. When my son left,  I quickly realized that I needed to buy less food.  Gallons of milk, bags of chips,  bottles of salsa,  and tons of other stuff went bad, before we could eat it all.  I realized I needed to cut back on my groceries."

Suzy shot back, "It has actually been really nice for me to save some money on..." Thankfully, just seconds before this last comment was made, I was handed my receipt and told by the cashier to "Have a nice day." 

Suzy's voice trailed off as I turned around and walked away from her mid-sentence. With tears streaming down my face, I walked out of the store with the thought running through my head,  "There is no part of my son being gone that is nice and there shouldn't be for you either."  If I hadn't been crying and on the brink of a melt down,  I would have turned around and looked her square in the eyes and said, "You should love, hug and appreciate your son every single second you can. You should never be thankful for any part of not having him with you, because you never know if it will be your last." Instead, I walked straight to my car and clung to the steering wheel,  head down, and sobbed. I allowed the pain to run through me, I embraced the hurt and sadness.  I allowed the wound that was throbbing to remain open so it  could be cleansed by my tears, until it felt healed enough that I could move forward. 

    

There are many small cuts that come up like this.  Little wounds that I never expected and to some people would seem very insignificant. I have painstakingly learned that the best way to get through these moments, is to give myself the right to cry, get angry, feel in despair, or whatever I need to do, so that I can heal these cuts properly. I've seen that this actually helps me in the long run. Because the next time a similar event happens it will not open the wound again but merely cause a bruise. Bruises heal more quickly than open sores.  I have also learned through this experience, and many others like it, that people are well meaning. I need to appreciate their efforts and recognize them for what they are. Moments of Humanity, Brotherly Love, Kindness!

P.S.
So, I guess the Moral of this story is, "Don't buy lots of bread unless you're ready to talk to SUZY!!!"

6 months? What?

6 months! The world lost a remarkable young man who still had a bright future, so much life left to live.  Terik took his life by suicide 6 months ago today. Well, actually I figured out that even though it's 6 months from February 25th to August 25th it will actually be half a year on Thursday August 27th. I'm not sure why this mattered to me but for some strange reason it just did.

I know I've mentioned this before and have tried to figure out in my head why it is even a thing but I get so sad the farther it gets away from Terik's passing. Don't I want time to pass quickly? Won't that make my healing process, progress more quickly? Doesn't the passing of time just help bring me closer to the time I get to see him again? These are all very valid and true statements but then there is the part of me that is like, "HEY, my life has stopped here, how is the world still spinning? How in the heck has it already been 6 months?" The pain is as intense as the day I found out he was gone. I can still feel the constricting feeling in my throat and the tightening of my stomach, the drop of my knees, and the wish for death to consume me also, to relieve me from this excruciating pain, every time I think of the moment when I saw those 2 police cars parked outside my house. I definitely do not pretend to even slightly understand this turmoil and the fight I have within myself about "TIME". I guess it is just another one of those things that I need to embrace, try to get use to, and find a way to live with.

The Best Big Brother "EVER"

I started off this morning with a heartfelt prayer, well honestly it was really more of a plea to God, to be able to get through the day. I gave thanks to him for letting me enjoy Terik's beautiful spirit  for almost 18 years. Then as I started to think on this, on the time we have spent together. I remembered all the wonderful moments of talking, laughing, singing, reading, and playing games. I thought of late night talks, watching Brian Reagan and laughing until our cheeks hurt. Watching a thunderstorm together and squealing with delight when an extra large lighting flash would  brighten up the whole sky, followed by a LOUD CRACK ripping through the otherwise quiet night, and one of us shouting out, "DID YOU SEE THAT ONE"? Sitting next to each other on the couch, his head leaned on my shoulder, and watching a movie. (He never got to old to give his mom loves). Midnight talks after a date or hanging out with friends and him smiling and telling us all about it.  The times when he would sit and talk to a group of my friends or other adults, totally engaged and feeling completely comfortable. I believe he actually loved it! As these memories flooded over me,  my heart felt full and heavy at the same time. I felt so grateful for having known him and the fullness he brought to my life. Yet the Heaviness of his loss bearing down at the same time. For all the hopes and dreams and future memories that have been ripped from me.  The loss of Terik is so excruciatingly painful!!! My thoughts then turned to Trevor and Faith. They are my babies who died just hours after their birth. I thought about how much I cried and hurt after they died in their infancy. A new recollection came over me in a way that I am not sure I can fully put into words. But I'll do my best....

I realized that if I had lost Terik in his infancy It would have been so tragic. How painful it is to think, "Oh wow, what if Terik had died in infancy? What if I had not had those 18 years with him!" That would have been an even greater tragedy. I am so grateful for every single moment. Every good and bad time we spent together (most of them being good ). I had a strong unexpected pain, overwhelming and all consuming, come over me. I thought about the tragedy and loss I felt of not getting the opportunity to have Trevor and Faith live for some period of time with me. How I wished they could have lived 6 months, 2 years, 10 years, any amount of time that would have given me more experiences and more memories with them. Before, I had always thought of it as a blessing that I had not lost them at age 3 or 5 years old. I felt, at the time, that it would have been so much harder to have loved them for a longer period of time and then have them ripped from me. But I realized today that I have a deep pain and longing for all the missed out TIME! I was robbed precious time with my babies. It breaks my heart because just as I would love to have 1 more day, 1 more year, or another decade with Terik. I also felt this great desire to have been able to have 1 more day, 1 more year, 1 more decade with Trevor and Faith. I am not sure this is a good or bad discovery today but It was definitely very eye opening for me. It made me realize how precious my interactions with other people are. How precious each moment is. I am grateful for every breath that my loved ones take,  for it is one more second they are here with me. If I would have been given the choice to have lost my precious Terik at Birth or at age 17 1/2, of course I would choose the latter.  Having Terik die has given me a greater perspective into something I never would have understood in any other way. I now know that I would have cherished and been grateful for every day I could have held those babies, loved them.  I'm not sure I could ever portray this experience in a way that would give it the full depth and meaning that it so intensely fell upon me today, at least not with my limited ability to communicate.

One year ago today! So cute, sassy, and fun!

I went and sat at Terik's grave and talked to him for a few minutes. I then decided I needed to go to the last place I knew he stood before he died. I drove to the little park, where he had left his car, and where he must have sat, cried, suffered, and thought. I asked right out loud "What happened here Terik? Please help me to have a glimpse into your mind, into that day, help me understand a little more?" Thank goodness the park was totally empty or that might have felt a bit awkward ;)  I brought some letters that were sent to us by friends and family that talked about Terik. They were ones that I had yet to have the courage to read. I decided it was time to open a few.  I sat on the grass in the shade and started to read the first story which was from Terik's cousin Porter. It was so sweet and tender, the tears began to freely fall. I could feel the sincerity in his words and the depth of love he had for Terik. My thoughts were interrupted by the rumbling of the ground and then the roaring sound approaching. My heart pounded inside of me like a base drum, then whoosh a passenger train flew by at 70 mph. Something inside of me cracked in that moment. I fell to my knees and sobbed and sobbed. My insides felt like they were trying to jump out and be freed from the pain of my soul. I'm not sure how long I was there but long enough that I gave the grass enough water for a week, I'm sure. I then continued to read several more letters. Things people remembered about Terik. The good things he had done, the way he had touched someones life, the times he included someone that looked a little down or alone. It gave me such joy to see that others had recognized his goodness and that it wasn't just me, a prejudice mother, thinking he was/is a precious spirit! Even though the experience of sitting in this place where Terik had last been, where he died, and where I know he suffered much was a difficult heart wrenching thing to do. I believe it was also a very healing moment for me too. It helped me face some fears I had been holding in. It helped me talk to him in a very candid way and have a little glimpse into my sons eyes. I kept wishing somehow I could run up onto the tracks, turn back time and pull him off those rails. If only life was a little more like movies and fairy tales then I could totally make that happen.  :)

I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for all my amazing family members and friends who called, text, brought flowers, treats, and dinner for our family today. Thank you all for being so good to me and our family. You are wonderful and I hope you know how much we love you!!!  We are so very blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people who do not just forget about us and think, "Hey, it's been 6 months I'm sure they are doing lots better." I am so blessed to have a loving support system that have given me help all along the way.

As a final note.  I was listening to Pandora radio this morning and the song "Blessings" by Laura Story came on. I started to bawl as I thought about how this song related to me and to my baby boy Terik. Here are some of the lyrics and a link to a place you can listen to the song if you would like. 


We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

The Link for the Song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

Sometimes it is hard for me to find a silver lining in any trial but especially this one. This song however gave me a feeling for both Terik and I, and everyone else on this earth. We have had very hard things placed in our path. We would never wish them to happen. We would do anything we could to change it and make it better, but what if? What if one day I get to Heaven and I see that this whole trial was a true blessing in disguise? This is the silver lining I am trying and choosing to hold on to today. I will probably never understand the depth or purpose behind Terik's suffering or now mine and my families, but I choose to cling to the hope that God knows me, He knows Terik, He knows all of His children and he will bless them in every way He can, to help them become who they need to be. But sometimes those lessons are learned only through heartache and suffering. This is something that is maybe easy to say but harder to fully internalize and then try to hold fast to. I am going to try to do it, even if it's just for a minute.