WHY???

I have asked the Question "Why" to myself probably a million times over the last year and a half. Why did Terik have to suffer with depression? Why did he have to die? Why did he take his own life? Why did I not recieve some feeling that he needed me that day? On and on the Why's go....
I never questioned  or blamed God. I felt that He truly knew the why's but I did not and so I sought understanding and peace. Well a beautiful "Peace" came to me this week, in a way that I was not expecting. Which is usually how life works isn't it? When we least expect it things happen... both good and bad things.
My husband gave me a suggestion of a talk to read by Elder John Groberg. It was titled "Come Home, Felila". A few days later, I settled into my daily routine of cleaning, laundry, and dishes. I had this thought pop into my mind "You should listen to that talk Troy told you about, while you are working". So I pulled out my headphones and listened as I worked.

"Now it may seem easy to have faith in God when things are going well. But the law of growth requires constant effort and stretching. Thus, in order to have our faith strengthened, it must be stretched and tried and tested. One of the areas of testing that comes to many of us is when something occurs over which we apparently have little or no control and which to us seems unfair."

I thought, well I believe that is true and I feel pretty good about myself and thankful that my Faith has not wavered in my God through out this trial and many others that I have experienced in my life. Then my pride slowly began to fall away, needingly, as I hear the story of Felila.

Felila was born on a small pacific island to a faithful family. They were all thrilled and excited for her birth. Soon after birth problems arose. Her head was abnormally large and she was diagnosed with hydrocephalus. There was little they could do to help Felila on the island. They started working tirelessly to get her to the United States where she could get the medical help she needed. Letters were sent, living arrangements created, financial help organized, prayer and fasting was constant,  x-rays taken and analyzed then sent back and forth numerous times, then Finally after exasperating delays, things began to fall into place. One morning Elder Groberg, who was serving as the mission president at the time, felt a strong impression that he must go now and make extra effort to get everything done so that Felila could go. He got everything in place and went to give the good news and found out that Felila had just passed away.

Elder Grobergs words to himself, "Gone? This morning? But all the work, all the time, all the fasting and praying and those strong feelings? Gone? NO! WHY? WHY? After all that work and the strong faith of so many and those impressions, why?" He then had a spiritual experience that changed his life. "I heard a voice, such a tender, compassionate voice-yet so unmistakably powerful-that all nature stood still and listened and obeyed."



It said,"Come home Felila, my daughter. Come home to the care your loved ones have sought for you. I have heard their prayers and have known their fasting and love for you, and I answer. Come home, my daughter. You have finished your mission in life. Hearts have been softened; souls have been stretched; faith has been increased. Come home now Felila."

"He knew her! How perfect our Father's love! He had heard the prayers. He had done what was best. He knew everything-which thing, though I believed, I never had supposed. In some marvelous way, which is beyond our mortal comprehension, he knows and understands all things.
My questions as to why-as to justice and reasons-were all at that moment  completely swept away. They were so irrelevant, my questioning so totally out of place, like one trying to dig the Grand Canyon with a teaspoon."

My mind was opened up to a view, just for a moment, of the grandeur of God's plan. All of my Why's were able to be set aside and a peace of knowing God would reveal all the things to me at some point in my life, either this life or the next, settled into my heart with a profound depth. I am thankful for experiences that help to stretch me, teach me, give me understanding. Would I ever have chosen one of those experiences to be this one? Absolutely NOT! Can I trust that it is still for my good? YES! Can I trust that God knows Why? YES! I will trust in HIM forever!

My Testimony

A friend of Terik's is serving a mission in Taiwan and asked me to share my feelings and thoughts with an investigator/friend from his mission. She lost her daughter to suicide a few years ago and has been really struggling ever since. I feel deeply for her and every mother, father, grandparent, sister, brother, aunt, uncle or Friend who have had to suffer such a loss. I have prayed a lot for help in writing to her. I felt a desire to share this on my blog after I finished writing today. Maybe it will reach someone who needs it.  This is a portion of that letter...


I have a belief that we all made a choice to come to earth. I don't believe it was a decision we made lightly or without full mental understanding. I also know that when we chose to come to this earthly existence, that we did so knowing that it would be difficult and there would be some things that would be extremely painful and totally unbearable. I do sometimes think though, that there is no way we really comprehended what it would be like, but we trusted God. We knew that coming to this earth was the only way that we could become like our Heavenly Father and we were willing to suffer anything in order to be like Him. His beauty and majesty defied all description and we trusted Him completely. Then our Heavenly Father showed us a plan where he would send us a Savior. A perfect person that would come to earth and suffer excruciating pains and even death. He did this for us that we could have all of our sins forgiven and so that He could succor us in "ALL of our PAINS & WRONGS". Jesus Christ felt every hurt, disappointment, affliction and wrong that we would ever experience. He did it so that we could bear the burdens and heartaches that would inevitably come to each of us and try to engulf us and pull us under.

LDS.org 

He is our older brother. He loves us so much that he willingly chose to do this for us. My belief in Him has made me turn to Him in total faith knowing that He is truly thee only person that fully understands what I am feeling and the depth of my pain, anxiety, fears and despair. I have spent countless hours with my head in my hands bawling and pleading for relief. It has not always come in the very moment I asked for it, but at times it has flooded over me like a warm blanket. More often than not though it has come slowly, gradually and almost imperceptibly. Sometimes it comes through a family member's phone call at just the right moment, or a treat from a neighbor, or the smile or kind deed of a stranger. I don't believe the pain will ever fully go away in this life and I will never be the same person I was before losing my child. I don't think I really would want it that way though. The pain reminds me of the Love I have for my son, and it makes him real to me until I get to be with him again. I want to be a better, more compassionate person, closer to the spirit, and more willing to submit to the will of my Father in Heaven. I do not know what the Lord's plan for me is, nor what the rest of my life will look like but I put full trust in Him that He will ALWAYS be there when I pray. He will hear my pleadings, comfort me when I let Him, and give me what he knows will be to my greatest benefit (with an eternal view in mind). I know that He knows me better than I even know myself, and that what I want is not always what is the very best for me for my learning and growth. He sees my full potential and who I can become when this life is over. I can only see the here and now. What I want seems so obviously the right thing for me.

I had a very unusual experience just a few weeks before Terik passed away. My youngest son Trevin, who was 2 years old, had been very sick. He had just been released from the hospital and I was holding him in my arms, rocking him. I was looking down at him and thought about how much I loved him and how blessed I was to be his mother, when all of a sudden the thought came to my mind (I believe it was the Holy Ghost, the spirit, a prompting, whatever you want to call it. But I don't believe it was my own thoughts) "What would you do if your son died?", at first I laughed a little and thought "you wouldn't do that to me, I've already lost 2 babies at birth and you know I couldn't handle loosing another child." Then I heard again, "But what would you do if you lost him and he did die?" I thought very earnestly about this and just the thought of it pained me deeply but I answered back after a moment of contemplation, "God, you know I will submit to all thy will, I will do anything thou asks of me. If you need my son back then I will give him to you. It will not be easy but I will do it because really 'HE IS YOUR SON'. He was yours before he was ever mine and his life is in your hands, just as all our lives are in your hands. I will 'NEVER' turn my face from thee. But, please do not take him unless you must." I then felt a deep peace come over me. I thought at the time that God was pleased with me and could see the true devotion of my heart. I thought " This must have been a test to see where my heart was." I didn't have any fear that it was a premonition that my son would die. I had a couple other experiences close to this one that, looking back, I can see that the Lord wanted me to know this was coming, and more importantly, that He was aware of me. God did not stop my son from taking his own life, but He allowed him his agency and somehow knew it was coming. It is not God's fault that my son died, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand or know all of the mysteries or purposes of God right now, but as I try to look to the future with an eternal lens and perspective I find hope knowing that one day God will explain it all to me and that I may even thank Him for the blessings that the experience brought to me. We do not let our children have their dessert before they eat their dinner because we know it is not best for them. We do not let our children run free in the streets, even though they think it sounds super fun, because we know the danger of doing such a thing. If we as parents see and know such seemingly small things are best for our children then doesn't it make since that our Heavenly Father, who is all seeing and perfect , truly knows what is best for us, even if we cannot see or understand it right now? 

Greg Olsen - He feels my pain

These are the things I cling to. I pray with faith, with every step I take, that He will lead me. There are moments when I think I can't take one more breath, yet I know with His help I will see happiness again. It is not God's love for me that wavers when the pain returns and I fear I am drowning again, it is the reality of life and suffering. Because Eve partook of the tree of life we have blessings and challenges. We have the blessings of knowing good from evil, light from darkness, and pleasure from pain. We have to experience the pain and darkness in order to be able to fully appreciate and embrace the light and pleasure that God has to offer. It is not the kind of pleasure the world wants to offer us, for the world only has temporary pleasures that do not bring lasting peace and hope. They are fleeting and leave us empty and wanting in the end. I choose God's way. I choose to have faith and hope that He will lead me through this dark and dreary world and lift me to a higher, better place one day. I look forward to that day, but I will not give in or give up. I have a strong belief that my son was shown mercy and love, that he was taken home to that God that gave him life, and that Terik was encircled in Christ's arms, even though he made a great mistake in taking his own life. I believe that in Terik's limited perspective, his inability to see hope for the future, and his brains illness of depression, that he was not held as accountable as he otherwise would have been. However, I have 40 years of experience, growth, and learning behind me, and I'm not sure God's forgiveness and welcoming would be the same for me if I cheated and came home before my time. Even though the thought has crossed my mind more than once.

 I cling to the hope of an Eternal Family. I have faith in the covenants I have made with God in His Holy Temple, that as I keep the covenants I made with Him, both at baptism and again in the temple, that I will be given the blessing of being with Terik again. I believe that not only will I get to be with him again, but that we will still be a family, never to be separated again. What JOY and comfort this brings me in the face of such great tragedy and loss. This knowledge does not make everything all better, or erase all my pain and fears. My tears are not done falling and I still have so much to learn, but this knowledge makes it bearable. That is what Christ's atonement and His restored gospel has done for me. It gives me hope, even in the face of total despair.

I have prayed for you every day since I was told of your loss. I would never wish this pain upon anyone. No one should ever have to bury their child. Our children are suppose to bury us. I do pray for your peace and happiness, that you will find your own path to healing and hope. I know it may look very different than mine, but that is okay. We are all different, and God knows that. He loves us and accepts us just the way we are. He just wants to be close to us. He wants to love and tutor us so that we can find true eternal happiness, even if that happiness isn't full until we pass from this life. When I think of how much I love my son Terik, and then I think of God's ability and capacity to love... It blows me away, and is totally incomprehensible to think of the amount of love that He must have for me, for you, for Terik, and for your daughter. I feel a kinship with you even though I do not even know you. We share a pain that few know, and I hope you will believe me when I say that I love you, even though I do not know you.

1 Year without Terik

It's been one year ago today since my world shattered into a million little pieces.  It was 4:21 pm the afternoon of February 25th, 2015. I was doing taxes when I realized, "Hey, Terik should be home by now, I wonder where he is?" I shot him a quick text, "Hey buddy, Where are you?" Not but 1 minute later, his girl friend Celeste shows up crying and in a panic. Terik had sent her a text that scared her. He was basically saying goodbye. We called the police, his therapist, his work, and some of his closest friends, trying to find anyone who had heard from or seen him.
At some point, we knelt down and said a prayer, pleading to God. I prayed that we would be able to find Terik, that he would know how much he was loved and that he would be okay. Then I said something that surprised me, I knew they weren't my thoughts or my words even as they came out of my mouth. I said, "And help 'US' that we will find peace and be okay no matter what happens."  I now look back at it as a tender mercy from God, letting me know that he was aware of me and Terik, that He is over ALL.

We then went out and searched, prayed, called more people, prayed some more, and looked in every place that popped into our heads. We of course called and texted Terik many times also, but never had an answer. Troy and I were still out searching for him when we got a call from the police department. It was about 6:30 pm. They told Troy that they were at our house and asked if we could please come home. I started crying and just saying over and over again, "No! No! No!" I told Troy that he was gone. He kept telling me you don't know that, but I had so many reasons for believing this. I said to Troy, "They didn't even have your phone number, they only had mine." Then trying to catch my breath an in between sobs, "If they found him, and he was alive, they would have told us over the phone not to worry that he is okay.", " And If he was injured they would have asked us to meet them at the hospital.", "If there was no news and they just wanted some official paper work signed they would have simply stated that and said they were still looking for him." I could think of no possible other explanation. I think I still held on to a glimmer of hope until we turned onto our street and saw the 2 big police vehicles sitting in front of our house. I knew at that moment... Yes, My boy is gone... I didn't need anyone to tell me. No, No, this can't be true! It must be a nightmare, WAKEUP Sarah WAKEUP!!! I was suffocating, I fell out of the car onto my hands and knees onto the cement gasping for air and gagging and wrenching. I was totally unaware of the cold hard concrete beneath my hands and body. I couldn't think of anything or anyone except my TERIK. It can't be real, but as the 2 police officers started to approach us I started yelling and screaming at them to go away. (I think there may have even been a few expletives in there and I am not one to swear) I think that somehow I thought that if they didn't officially pronounce him dead, that it wouldn't have really happened. So, when they told us that our son was gone, a new jolt of pain surged through my body and I truly believed that my heart would not be able to handle it and it would just stop beating or explode. I actually prayed and hoped it would in those following days because it hurt so intensely.

The events, from that moment on, are very vague in my mind and I remember very little of it, except for the intense pain I felt. I have never experienced any type of physical or emotional pain that intense in my whole life and I hope to never experience anything like it ever again. A few specific things stand out in my mind....

* The police officers telling us that they needed to make sure we got somewhere safe before they left us. They stayed with us for several hours even after we had a safe place to be. (they were very kind and respectful to us, which made me feel bad later, once I realized how mean I was to them, just for doing their job. But luckily they forgave me)

* Seeking out a priesthood blessing. Our Bishop was not home so we went to our friends house. I know this must have been so difficult for them but they were and have been a God send in our lives ever since.

* Sobbing, Screaming, crying, and even seizing, then we would start this process all over again.

* Telling my children what had happened and watching them fall apart. Feeling the fear of how they would carry such a burden.

*I remember family and friends, both of ours and Teriks, coming to our aid  for days and weeks. They carried with them food, tissues, paper products, dinners, blankets, treats, baskets, money, flowers, gifts, the list goes on and on, but mostly they brought love... lots and lots of love. I remember feeling so much gratitude and love for all of them. There were acts of service for months. I was humbled to tears, over and over again, as I saw the generosity and sympathy of hundreds of people, many of whom we didnt even know. I thought, "There is no way for me to thank all of these people properly and I hope they will know of my gratitude and love for them, even if they don't get a thank you card or personal message." I am pretty sure I could write letters everyday for the rest of my life and never be able to get to every person who served us and continues to serve us. So, I hope if you are reading this that you will feel of my sincere love and heartfelt gratitude for all you have done to bless our lives. Thank You!!! Thank You!!! We love you and don't know how we would have survived this without you.

We found out at around 10:00 pm that our son had taken his own life by suicide. That he had lost his battle with depression and laid in front of a speeding train. His pain must have been so extreme, racking and acute, that a speeding train did not even scare him. The thought of this whole experience, especially the train and the police being at my house, brought me anxiety in the most excruciating way. Every time I thought of it or saw something that triggered a remembrance, my heart would race, I'd break down, my hands got clammy, and I would want to disappear. It scared me and made me worry about my own mental state. Would I ever be able to find relief? Could I ever face this new reality I called life? But today, as I think back about the events of this day, my heart still aches, but it is amazing the difference I now feel. I may not have seen the gradual change and acceptance taking place but it has happened, almost imperceptibility. I know that through the help of all those around me, and my Savior, I have found a new peace. My journey to healing is not finished and I know I still have a long way to go but to be able to look back and see the changes in myself gives me hope for the future. I may one day find my new normal.  As I have clung to Christ, my rock, my one immovable star, I have found relief and help through each moment. The seconds turned into minutes, which turned into hours, then days, then months, and now 1 year. I can't believe it! It has been a whole year. The moments have seemed long and unending and yet time has moved on. The obscurity of time has really made me think. "Does it seem so short a time merely because the pain is still so raw and recent?  Does it seem short because I want to hold to the past and I have quit living for the future? Or maybe some other reason? Time is such an odley relative thing." I have slowly seen myself turning to the present and have a little more hope for the future. I can see now that I can heal from this, that there is sunshine to be found. That is a HUGE thing!

Mount Timpanogos Temple

Today we went to the temple and we took out Terik's endowments. We were surrounding by family. We were supported by friends. It was a bitter sweet day. We felt an acute emptiness at the harsh reality of Terik's absence. Even though his physical presence was missing, we could still feel that he was with us. We could tell that he was grateful for the work of salvation being performed for him. He would now have the ability to move freely in God's kingdom, to accomplish the work the Lord has for him. It's hard to describe the painful emotions I felt thinking about how I wouldn't be able to experience going through the temple with Terik in mortality and all the future milestones of mission, marriage, grandchildren ect... I missed him so much and the sting, sorrow, and grief was unmistakable. Yet as I walked into the Celestial room I had the thought, "This will not be but a minute and I will be with you again Mom". I knew Terik was there with me. He wants to comfort me, he wants to comfort everyone. He continues to help and bless the lives of others from beyond the veil. I have had many people come to me with experiences or dreams that have helped bless or even save their lives. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me! I know they are very personal, which means even more that you would share.  It has helped to bring me peace and know that he is able to do that which he loves best, help others. I now believe he is even more free to move about and experience more fully his eternal progression and bless the lives of others in an even more profound way.

We spent the evening reading stories that others had shared at Terik's funeral and retelling our own personal experiences of his life and our time with him. We laughed, cried, and hugged as we experienced these intense emotions together. When we came home this evening we had a wonderful surprise awaiting us.  A large group of Terik's friends came to share their own stories and love of Terik's life with us. We drove home in the dark, the same way we had 1 year previous, except this time it was a wonderful sight to see. instead of 2 police cars that came bearing such horrible news, we saw these sweet friends holding flowers with letters attached.  I am grateful for being able to turn, what could have been a horrible 1 year mark, into a day of joy and peace amid the tears and anguish. My heart is full once again for the love of family, friends, and a Savior Jesus Christ, who love and support us each step of the way. So though my world was shattered, I am now finding ways to pick up the pieces and create something beautiful. It will never be the same world it was before but it can still be something lovely and wonderful.  

Tis' the Season

Christmas is a magical time of year. Everyone has the love of neighbor and a Christ-like spirit about them. The air is crisp and children are full of Joy and Excitement! There are Santa's on every corner bringing cheer to boys and girls. The story of the glorious birth of Jesus is seen, heard, and proclaimed all around.  I have often wondered, "How could I keep this feeling of Christmas with me throughout the whole year".  I have always loved everything about the Christmas Season and Terik loved it even more than I did. This has made it even harder for me as I feel the heavy dread of each tradition lurking waiting for me to fulfill it. It weighs upon me like a chore to be accomplished rather than a pleasure to be enjoyed. I did know that Christmas would be difficult this year. I had warned myself and prepared for it even but unfortunately I didn't understand, not in the ways I'm experiencing it anyway. I expected the day of Christmas to not be filled with the same excitement as years past and I expected that there would be that hole in my heart, aching and burning. However, I never thought about the thousand other things that would be effected. All the things that go along with, "Tis'", the Season.  Some of the most simple things that always brought a smile to my face are now the very things that send daggers into my heart. I've heard that sometimes our greatest joys are also our greatest sorrows.

The Christmas Pickle

Here is a small example... The pickle that sits on my shelf. I didn't realize it would bring me to tears every time I walked past it. The pickle is a newer tradition that we had adopted. The idea is that it is hidden in the Christmas tree on Christmas eve,  then in the morning everyone searches for it. Whomever finds it gets to open the first present of Christmas.  They then get to choose one for someone else. It was an exciting new addition to our list of traditions. Everyone loved it. Terik found the pickle last year and whenever I see it there, waiting to be hid, I think of the excitement on his face after everyone searched for it for a good 5 minutes and he yelled "I FOUND IT".  I see it sitting there and the tears begin to flow, while thinking... "How do we hide the pickle? How do we do it without him here to help us find it? Why does it seem that the world has stopped for me? Everyone else seems like they are moving about so quickly. How did the world not stop spinning for them? We can't have Christmas without Terik!!! It will never be the same. He made it so fun for all of us. I have to do it for my kids. I have to make it as fun as I can." So I wipe off my tears, stick out my chin, and press forward. This is just one of many examples.

Temple Square : SLC, UT

We went to see the lights at Temple Square in SLC, another annual tradition, and it felt colder than normal. We all could feel the sadness of his absence but at the same time I had a tender thing happen. I noticed all the lights in the trees seemed brighter than normal. It made me wonder if Terik was there with us after all.

Tis' the Season to be with Family, Tis' the Season to be Jolly, Tis' the Season to build snowmen, drink hot chocolate, sit by the fireplace and read a Christmas story, reenact the Saviors birth, dress up as Joseph or be a shepherd, to have Parties, be with friends, do a kind deed, decorate a gingerbread house, make a treat for the neighbors, and did I mention.... be with family? Terik's absence is tangible in everything we see, hear, feel, and do. Even in the foods we eat. Nothing tastes as sweet and with every bite I'm wondering... "Does Terik miss this food, does he wish he could have a little bite?"

We know that we will be with Terik again someday. We do not waver in our conviction of this, it's just that the waiting is long and the loneliness is very hard. I want to be real here and say that this is the hardest month I have had since month 1. He really should be here! It has been snowing here everyday this week and I know that it is for me. He is trying to tell me, "Look Mom, I'm not so far, look all around you, you will see me." I have always loved the snow but I love it even more now. The fresh fallen snow feels like a big blanketed hug that is covering me and comforting me. It is so pure and white and it makes everything else glitter and glow. As I have been trying to find my balance these last several weeks I have felt such a myriad of emotions. Guilt for not feeling happier, for not letting this season be everything it has been in the past,  for not being able to be 100% for my children, for not helping others more and for 1,000 other things. Sadness for myself, my children, and all of Terik's family and friends who also miss him. Despair, wondering if things will ever feel "Normal" again. Weakness, because I can't pull it together.  Gratitude for a Savior who loved me enough to come to this retched world and take upon Himself the pains of all mankind.  He has made the sting of death bearable. I can not even imagine the pain I would feel if it were not for Him.  With Christ we can do all things and most important to me is the miracle of getting to be with my loved ones again. Blessed be the name of the most high God for sending us His Only Begotten Son. This truly Tis' the season to Praise Him, love Him, and thank Him for everything.
I know all these things as truth and yet the emotions and confusion of 100's of other feelings overpower me, too often. Then last night I heard this song by Hilary Weeks and it made me realize that I needed to relax, love, and allow myself the same courtesy I would allow anyone else. Just listen.... You will see what I'm trying to say.

I love this heart wrenching and tender song by Hilary Weeks. I also love you all.
Thank you for allowing me to cry. Sometimes alone and sometimes with you. Thank you for not trying to rush me through my grieving. I know I push myself more than anyone else does. I thought I would feel a certain way by the time Christmas came around, because it will be 10 months on Christmas Day, but for some strange reason that makes me feel worse.  I have evaluated this and decided it is because I have an expectation of what I want to feel (or should feel) by the 1 year mark and I feel 1,000 miles away from reaching that place. I have decided I need to take the advice from this song to heart and allow myself the right to Cry. Whenever, wherever and for however long I need to. I'm just going to let it out. I'm giving myself the space, love, and time I need. Thank you all for helping me on my journey and especially for helping my children when I feel I am not strong enough to do so. Thank you for your prayers of faith that we all have felt. Without all my Heavenly and Earthly Angels I would not have ever made it this far!!!
God Bless you and I truly wish you the most Heartfelt Merry Christmas!!!

6 months? What?

6 months! The world lost a remarkable young man who still had a bright future, so much life left to live.  Terik took his life by suicide 6 months ago today. Well, actually I figured out that even though it's 6 months from February 25th to August 25th it will actually be half a year on Thursday August 27th. I'm not sure why this mattered to me but for some strange reason it just did.

I know I've mentioned this before and have tried to figure out in my head why it is even a thing but I get so sad the farther it gets away from Terik's passing. Don't I want time to pass quickly? Won't that make my healing process, progress more quickly? Doesn't the passing of time just help bring me closer to the time I get to see him again? These are all very valid and true statements but then there is the part of me that is like, "HEY, my life has stopped here, how is the world still spinning? How in the heck has it already been 6 months?" The pain is as intense as the day I found out he was gone. I can still feel the constricting feeling in my throat and the tightening of my stomach, the drop of my knees, and the wish for death to consume me also, to relieve me from this excruciating pain, every time I think of the moment when I saw those 2 police cars parked outside my house. I definitely do not pretend to even slightly understand this turmoil and the fight I have within myself about "TIME". I guess it is just another one of those things that I need to embrace, try to get use to, and find a way to live with.

The Best Big Brother "EVER"

I started off this morning with a heartfelt prayer, well honestly it was really more of a plea to God, to be able to get through the day. I gave thanks to him for letting me enjoy Terik's beautiful spirit  for almost 18 years. Then as I started to think on this, on the time we have spent together. I remembered all the wonderful moments of talking, laughing, singing, reading, and playing games. I thought of late night talks, watching Brian Reagan and laughing until our cheeks hurt. Watching a thunderstorm together and squealing with delight when an extra large lighting flash would  brighten up the whole sky, followed by a LOUD CRACK ripping through the otherwise quiet night, and one of us shouting out, "DID YOU SEE THAT ONE"? Sitting next to each other on the couch, his head leaned on my shoulder, and watching a movie. (He never got to old to give his mom loves). Midnight talks after a date or hanging out with friends and him smiling and telling us all about it.  The times when he would sit and talk to a group of my friends or other adults, totally engaged and feeling completely comfortable. I believe he actually loved it! As these memories flooded over me,  my heart felt full and heavy at the same time. I felt so grateful for having known him and the fullness he brought to my life. Yet the Heaviness of his loss bearing down at the same time. For all the hopes and dreams and future memories that have been ripped from me.  The loss of Terik is so excruciatingly painful!!! My thoughts then turned to Trevor and Faith. They are my babies who died just hours after their birth. I thought about how much I cried and hurt after they died in their infancy. A new recollection came over me in a way that I am not sure I can fully put into words. But I'll do my best....

I realized that if I had lost Terik in his infancy It would have been so tragic. How painful it is to think, "Oh wow, what if Terik had died in infancy? What if I had not had those 18 years with him!" That would have been an even greater tragedy. I am so grateful for every single moment. Every good and bad time we spent together (most of them being good ). I had a strong unexpected pain, overwhelming and all consuming, come over me. I thought about the tragedy and loss I felt of not getting the opportunity to have Trevor and Faith live for some period of time with me. How I wished they could have lived 6 months, 2 years, 10 years, any amount of time that would have given me more experiences and more memories with them. Before, I had always thought of it as a blessing that I had not lost them at age 3 or 5 years old. I felt, at the time, that it would have been so much harder to have loved them for a longer period of time and then have them ripped from me. But I realized today that I have a deep pain and longing for all the missed out TIME! I was robbed precious time with my babies. It breaks my heart because just as I would love to have 1 more day, 1 more year, or another decade with Terik. I also felt this great desire to have been able to have 1 more day, 1 more year, 1 more decade with Trevor and Faith. I am not sure this is a good or bad discovery today but It was definitely very eye opening for me. It made me realize how precious my interactions with other people are. How precious each moment is. I am grateful for every breath that my loved ones take,  for it is one more second they are here with me. If I would have been given the choice to have lost my precious Terik at Birth or at age 17 1/2, of course I would choose the latter.  Having Terik die has given me a greater perspective into something I never would have understood in any other way. I now know that I would have cherished and been grateful for every day I could have held those babies, loved them.  I'm not sure I could ever portray this experience in a way that would give it the full depth and meaning that it so intensely fell upon me today, at least not with my limited ability to communicate.

One year ago today! So cute, sassy, and fun!

I went and sat at Terik's grave and talked to him for a few minutes. I then decided I needed to go to the last place I knew he stood before he died. I drove to the little park, where he had left his car, and where he must have sat, cried, suffered, and thought. I asked right out loud "What happened here Terik? Please help me to have a glimpse into your mind, into that day, help me understand a little more?" Thank goodness the park was totally empty or that might have felt a bit awkward ;)  I brought some letters that were sent to us by friends and family that talked about Terik. They were ones that I had yet to have the courage to read. I decided it was time to open a few.  I sat on the grass in the shade and started to read the first story which was from Terik's cousin Porter. It was so sweet and tender, the tears began to freely fall. I could feel the sincerity in his words and the depth of love he had for Terik. My thoughts were interrupted by the rumbling of the ground and then the roaring sound approaching. My heart pounded inside of me like a base drum, then whoosh a passenger train flew by at 70 mph. Something inside of me cracked in that moment. I fell to my knees and sobbed and sobbed. My insides felt like they were trying to jump out and be freed from the pain of my soul. I'm not sure how long I was there but long enough that I gave the grass enough water for a week, I'm sure. I then continued to read several more letters. Things people remembered about Terik. The good things he had done, the way he had touched someones life, the times he included someone that looked a little down or alone. It gave me such joy to see that others had recognized his goodness and that it wasn't just me, a prejudice mother, thinking he was/is a precious spirit! Even though the experience of sitting in this place where Terik had last been, where he died, and where I know he suffered much was a difficult heart wrenching thing to do. I believe it was also a very healing moment for me too. It helped me face some fears I had been holding in. It helped me talk to him in a very candid way and have a little glimpse into my sons eyes. I kept wishing somehow I could run up onto the tracks, turn back time and pull him off those rails. If only life was a little more like movies and fairy tales then I could totally make that happen.  :)

I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for all my amazing family members and friends who called, text, brought flowers, treats, and dinner for our family today. Thank you all for being so good to me and our family. You are wonderful and I hope you know how much we love you!!!  We are so very blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people who do not just forget about us and think, "Hey, it's been 6 months I'm sure they are doing lots better." I am so blessed to have a loving support system that have given me help all along the way.

As a final note.  I was listening to Pandora radio this morning and the song "Blessings" by Laura Story came on. I started to bawl as I thought about how this song related to me and to my baby boy Terik. Here are some of the lyrics and a link to a place you can listen to the song if you would like. 


We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

The Link for the Song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

Sometimes it is hard for me to find a silver lining in any trial but especially this one. This song however gave me a feeling for both Terik and I, and everyone else on this earth. We have had very hard things placed in our path. We would never wish them to happen. We would do anything we could to change it and make it better, but what if? What if one day I get to Heaven and I see that this whole trial was a true blessing in disguise? This is the silver lining I am trying and choosing to hold on to today. I will probably never understand the depth or purpose behind Terik's suffering or now mine and my families, but I choose to cling to the hope that God knows me, He knows Terik, He knows all of His children and he will bless them in every way He can, to help them become who they need to be. But sometimes those lessons are learned only through heartache and suffering. This is something that is maybe easy to say but harder to fully internalize and then try to hold fast to. I am going to try to do it, even if it's just for a minute. 

TRY

     Okay, so the other day, I'm driving down the road and all of a sudden a popular song comes on the radio. I'm sure a lot of you have heard of it. It's called "Try" by Pink. I broke down and started to bawl. Now before you think it was just one of my normal crazy freak out moments, let me defend myself a little bit. It wasn't because an old boyfriend had broke my heart when I  was young. It wasn't because of a love that went wrong. It was a permanent link that was tied to the moments that proceeded Terik's passing.

     

*How a person with depression or bipolar feels like inside.

 Half  is what they show, the other is how they feel.

      After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, just a little while after hearing that Terik had died, I finally gave up on the idea of sleeping. So I headed down to Terik's room. It was about 5:00 in the morning.  I laid on his bed looking through pictures, his artwork, smelling his clothes, trying to completely engulf myself in him. I was crying, aching, (both physically and emotionally), nauseous and totally in shock. Every once in a while I would have short  moments of muted paralysis. In one of those moments there was a loud sound that broke the silence. Terik's alarm clock went off. It was 5:15, time to get up, time for Terik to go to school. It was Thursday morning, an A day.  He should be getting ready for early morning seminary. Only this morning, he wouldn't be waking up. There would be no school for him today.  The musical echo of Pinks song "TRY" rang in my ears. It started right in the middle of the chorus. "You've gotta get up and try, try, try. Gotta get up and TRY." Over and over again the forceful words racked through the numbness of my soul. It seemed to me that it was a message sent specifically for Terik.  I crumpled into a heap on the floor holding my stomach, protecting it,  as if someone was trying to rip it from my body.  I kept trying to take a breath. But instead of air there was wailing and sobs that come one after the other.  The gasping for breath made my lungs burn. I couldn't stop and I didn't care. Death seemed a welcomed reprieve. It would be a sweet escape from the horror I was enduring.  The stabbing of excruciating  pain entered into every part of my being.  Why couldn't Terik have woke up to this song this morning?  Would it have helped him get through one more day?  Could it have given him hope for a brighter tomorrow?  The questions flooded over me like waves crashing on the sand.  Pulling it down, down under the deep blue water.   Burying and suffocating it with no end in sight.  Then I heard a sweet quiet thought enter into my mind.
 

*What Terik showed

    "I tried Mom.  I really did.  Every day for almost 2 years I got up and tried.  Every morning I wanted to stay in bed,  hide from the world but I didn't.  I gave it my all,  the very best I could.  Even though it hurt and I felt I was drowning,  I still got up and tried.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  I'm so sorry I hurt you so much but please know I did the best I knew how,  I tried. Please forgive me. I didn't do this to hurt you or anyone else."

*Terik's interpretation of his inside feelings

    I felt, in that moment,  the depression and hopelessness that Terik had endured. I'm sure I could never know the poignancy of his pain or all that he had suffered. I was actually, however weird as it may sound, grateful for a little glimpse into his heart. Even though it didn't ease my own suffering it did get rid of some of those why's I had been feeling. Why Terik? Why did you do this? Why did you choose this?  I realized this was not a choice for him.  In that moment, He had no other feeling except the excruciatingly painful reality of his existence.  He felt hopeless,  trapped inside his own body. I understood now that instead of this song being a message for Terik, that it was an intense song sent for me. I needed it! I would be asked to get up each day and try to live without him.  Even though it would be hard and I wouldn't want to do it most the time.  I still needed to get up and TRY! 

   
      I know we all go through hard things that seem insurmountable. Each of us have those moments when we wish we could hide from the world and be done.  But I say to each of us, to you and to me, "You gotta get up and TRY, TRY, TRY".  Life has ups and downs but it's worth living.  Depression is real. I know I've said it before but I feel I need to say it again. Depression is an illness

     

Sadness

just as any other illness.  We need to be treated for this illness just as we would for any other illness.  We need the help of professional Dr's. We need to follow their advice the best we can. We are not to blame for having this sickness, we do not need to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or self deprecating because we carry this illness. We need not feel it a sign of weakness to take medication. Medicine is used to treat almost every other ailment, why not depression also? Why do we sometimes feel it is a cop-out or a personal failure to do so? We shouldn't blame ourselves that we have depression. It is not our choice any more than it is someone's choice to have leukemia or diabetes. So why do we feel that depression is any different? I do not pretend to know the answer to these questions. I just wish to root-out the negativity that exists around depression. Also, to give more love and empathy for those that suffer from this illness. I will start with myself, with my friends, family and all those I know who struggle. 

In memory of Terik I want to endeavor to live each moment the best I know how. It may not be perfect but I will give a valiant effort.


*These drawings are self portraits of Terik

Lyrics to Pinks song "Try" (last verse)

Ever worried that it might be ruined,

And does it make you wanna cry?

When you're out there doing what you're doing,

Are you just getting by?

Tell me are you just getting by, by, by?

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame.

Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned.

But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die,

You've gotta get up and try, try, try,

Gotta get up and try, try, try,

You gotta get up and try, try, try.

"Happy" 4th of July

4th of July last year

Yesterday was the 4th of July and we went to the fireworks at Thanksgiving Point. We did the same thing the year before but last year it was with Terik. It was a very hard day for me, I didn't expect that. Which I guess is what made it even harder. I had friends and family text me and wish me Happy 4th of July. Oddly enough that was one of the hardest parts.  Nothing should seem happy to anyone right now. I know that's not the right way to think or the greatest attitude. However, in my mind, that is how I was feeling. My thinking...  "How dare people be happy. How can they think they can tell me to be happy." Even though I went around telling other people Happy 4th of July all day, I didn't think it was very happy and didn't want to hear it. I guess I'm a hypocrite ;)  I know that people are just trying to be polite, they want to send their love and extend the joy they feel to others. That is what I normally want to do too. For whatever reason, only at certain times, unexpected pains and thoughts enter my mind and heart. The problem is I never know when those moments will be. If I did know I might be able to avoid them or even try to find happiness in them, if I was prepared.

I was given an award a few days ago, for the nicest yard of the month, from our city. A friend (someone who also lost her son to suicide a few years ago)  text me to congratulate me on my award. I told her it was pretty amazing, it must have been a sympathy vote because I haven't worked in the yard but one or two days this whole year.
She said, "I don't know about sympathy vote! We didn't ever get yard of the month (when our son passed away). Ha Ha! But seriously your yard does look nice and I totally understand about not getting up the motivation. My husband really didn't have a desire to do the garden the next summer and he loves to do it".

My reply, "I'm glad someone understands because I love working in my yard too but seriously I hardly have a desire to do much of anything these days. But I'm doing my best to get by, day to day.  I've made it 129 days so far. Pretty good, right?" 

Her response, "Dang good! (I was going to say "damn good" because that says it better but I didn't know what your stand is on "light" swear words ;)"
That really made me laugh, which I appreciated and needed.
I have also had the thought that maybe my yard, looking as good as it does this year with little effort on my part, was a gift from God. He made it look better then it ever could have. He wanted me to enjoy the beauty of what I have spent countless hours working to create over the years. I know we do have seasons of our lives where, because of the things we've done, we can rest for a little while and still have blessings. Especially at times when we think there's nothing to find beauty or joyfulness in. I have found joy in my yard this year, sitting on my back porch looking at the flowers. I picked some of them this last week and brought them to Terik's grave. This brought me happiness and pain. I was grateful to share them with him but in the same token I wish I didn't have to bring Terik flowers to a cemetery. Having the piercing awareness that he shouldn't be there. Yet this is the way it is, he is there. I will work hard to find a way to accept joy, in this season of my life, where I can find it. 

I went to church today and I bore my testimony. It was actually the hardest testimony I've ever born. I felt so strongly I needed to share my testimony of the Gospel and my unwavering faith of our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. That they have all power over Heaven and earth. They know us personally and they love us and want us to return to them. I also wanted to give the youth  my love and appreciation for them. (They have made great efforts to show me their love. I plead with them to not give up, that life is worth living even if It is harder than they ever imagined it would be. There are rainbows after the rain.

   

A fitting day! Cloudy and  Rainy to match my heartache

This is a perfect analogy for today because I'm sitting out in the rain, umbrella in hand, talking with Terik. I look at the sky with hopelessness of the Sun ever showing it's face again. Will the rain ever stop pouring? I know that if we leave our umbrella up all the time, blocking the storm, because we're afraid of the rain pouring down on us, we will not be able to see the buckets of blessings that God wishes to pour down upon us. If we are unwilling to lower our umbrella, we will miss the bright rainbow, of magnificent colors, that will inevitably appear. We have to feel the rain on our face, experience the storm, to see and appreciate the rainbow. I believe that in every situation there is a silver lining. My silver lining today is the knowledge that I will get to be with my Terik forever someday. I can hardly wait to go spend time with him again, to talk about the things that we did while we were apart. We will hug and embrace and all the hurt pain and sorrow of this life will melt away. The pain will be replaced with pure joy, greater than I can ever imagine.

As I walked through the wet grass, the short distance to your head stone and burial place, the heels of my shoes sunk deeply into the wet, moist ground. The soil and grass clung to the souls of my shoes and made it very difficult for me to walk. It made me think of the fact that this life, all the pain that I'm going through right now, is like this wet grass and heavy mud under it. It wants to suck me down, pull me in, and never let me go. It makes it so so difficult to even take the next step. Maybe I need to take a lesson from this experience. I removed my shoes, to make it easier to walk.  I could feel the wet earth beneath my feet, it felt uncomfortable and cold but felt better than the alternative of being weighed down by the mud that wanted to pull me under. Satan would like to drag me down and keep me from standing up, bearing witness of all that I know to be true. I need to stand. I need to continue to testify that Jesus is the Christ, the Savior of the whole World. That He lives and that He loves us. He wants us to find joy and happiness. Not just in this life, in this world,  but in our life to come. Which is a much more important thing to live for than anything we can obtain in this life. I feel that we have the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ restored to the earth. I believe that we have priesthood keys restored that can save our families. Through the Savior we can repent, be baptized and be able to receive the blessings of the sealing power. These are found in Holy Temples, just as those who lived in Christ's day had. I know the Book of Mormon to be true and if I know the Book of Mormon to be true then I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. He was sent and asked to restore Christ's Church upon the earth once more. I know that Joseph Smith truly saw God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. They helped him, prepared him, to roll forth the restoration of the gospel in our day. Priesthood keys that had been lost have now been restored. For this, my life has been blessed. I know that in sharing my testimony it only strengthens it and cements in all that I know to be true. The spirit of God burns in me when I hear or speak the truth. I'm grateful for the beauty of the gift of the Holy Ghost. I do not glory of myself,  but I glory in my God!!!

Holding Terik

I dreamt of Terik! I just woke up and had to write about my experience. I initially was filled with great Joy, I awoke from my dream grateful to have had the opportunity to see him. I now however am left with a longing to see him and hold him with a greater fervor then ever. That is saying something because I miss him everyday and wish to see him. I wouldn't change it one bit though, I would much rather have had the dream, feel him close for a moment, than to never have that opportunity again in this life. I can handle this type of pain and longing much easier because it comes laced with such great joy and goodness... Because without the heartache and pain, we would not know the JOY!

My Dream:
I was standing in the garage when I heard a car pull in, I turned assuming it was Troy, but instead I was surprised to see it was Terik. He was driving his little white Honda Accord. Which he lovingly called Thelma. He leaned forward on the steering wheel looking up at me with a HUGE smile plastered on his face; grinning from ear to ear. Like a small child on Christmas morning.  His face was lit with a sense of anticipation. I was feeling the same way and smiled back but with a little more hesitation and reservation, was it him? The garage became extremely brilliant as if a bright light had just been illuminated. The light made the colors more vivid and a great feeling of Love and Joy filled the whole room. I started saying, "I can't believe it, I just can't believe it" as he jumped out of the car and quickly came towards me. When he approached me his smell filled my nostrils, I could smell him It was wonderful, never had anything smelled so amazing. It was the deep scent of cologne and.... I don't know... just the smell of Terik! We embraced with a fervency that I've never felt before. Arms crisscrossed over each others backs. Heads down, buried in each others necks. We stood there not wanting to move or talk, afraid it would be over, the elation of this moment thrust away.

After a time, while still hugging and holding each other. I asked him over and over again, "Is it you? Is it really you? Honestly, is it truly, truly you?" To which he replied "Yes mamma it is". I started sobbing and sobbing and buried my head even deeper into his shoulder. I hugged him a little tighter, which I honestly didn't think was even possible. I cried out "I miss you so much, I miss you so sooooo much, Oh my goodness it has been so hard, I've never missed anyone so much." I exclaimed these things to him many times, each time with him replying fervently, "I miss you too mom, I miss you too." After quite a bit of time, feeling a little more confident that he was not going to disappear, I pulled him back away from me, just a little. Just enough so that I could look into his beautiful blue eyes and see his handsome loving face, my boys face! I stared at him for a few minutes just soaking him in. I looked at every detail of his being.

2 days before Terik passed away, Awesome hair Right?

His hair was cut the same way as the last time I had seen him. It was short on the sides and a little longer on the top, so you could see his beautiful tight curls. I loved his hair, I always did. I always told him he had the thickest hair of anyone I had ever cut and I had cut a lot of hair. He had a huge grin on his face. Light and Joy exuded from his face, filling my soul. His eyes pierced into me like a sharp knife, without the sting. He looked more handsome to me than I had ever noticed before and I had always thought he was a very handsome boy. (totally unbiased opinion here)

This is almost the exact outfit he was wearing

He was wearing his red, gray, and black plaid flannel shirt (which he loved and wore often) and his favorite black/gray jeans. About a year ago, Terik and a friend had gone to a thrift store just for fun.  They came out with a few treasures. These jeans were a product of that fun excursion. During the last 6 months of his life they had started shredding and falling apart at the seams. He loved them though and continued to wear them often. I use to tease him that I was going to cut them off his body one day.  All these details made him feel so real, so bright, and it seemed he was 100% with me. As I was looking at him, taking all of him in, I asked "Do you have to go back? Do you have to leave me again?" He simply stated, "Yes". This was said with the first bit of deep sadness and sorrow that I had felt from him since he had arrived. I wasn't all that surprised or crushed however. I guess maybe because I wasn't ever really expecting him to get to stay. I knew he was just here for a visit, but I wished I could keep him with me always.  I had so many questions like, "Are you happy?" To which he replied "Yes, happier than I was on earth, especially since the depression started." I could tell it wasn't 100% happiness though, not a fullness of Joy. It was in a different way, some way he could not express and that I would not be able to understand. I sensed that he felt some of our pain and he wished he hadn't hurt us, that he hadn't taken his own life.

I'm sure he was encompassed about by love and goodness in his new life though.  He told me he had many things he was learning and working on. I asked curiously, "What is it like there? What is life like where you are?" He said, "It is much like this life." At that moment it was as if he gave me a little picture into my mind, a movie of sorts, of what it was like. I could see that people were busy doing stuff. Some things were very important and some things were very trivial. I understood that it was much like what it is like on earth. Some people were near to God in all their thoughts and wanted to please Him. Others were so enthralled in what was exciting or entertaining that they didn't even notice or look for God. It really was very similar to our earth life. Except to my eye everything was very white. The clothes, buildings, benches, everything really, except for the grass, plants, and flowers were white. Terik then answered my second question. Which was "What are you doing there?" To which he replied, "I am learning and growing, things I didn't get the opportunity to during my earth life. I am also very active in helping you and our family heal and find peace." I started to cry intensely again. I expressed my feelings of profound gratitude for him doing that. He told me it was part of his learning. I somehow knew that this was only a temporary thing. He would be there until either he was ready to move forward or when we were able to handle him moving forward and not needing him so constantly.

I looked into Terik's eyes one last time and Boom, I woke up. I wished I could go back into my dream and feel him and see him so vividly. I tried but couldn't, just like other dreams I've had about him. I then decided to lay there and relish in the excitement and joy of getting to see and hold my baby boy again. I thought "Was this a "real" dream? Was he really there/here with me?"  I then felt warm arms encircling me, reassuring me that yes it was real and he was here with you. Sometimes, most of the time actually, I do not notice whether my dreams are in color or not. So when people pose the question, "Do people dream in color?" I usually would have said, "Hmmm, I don't know." Well this time I can say with 100% assurance that I dreamt in color. It was brighter and the colors more vivid then I have ever felt in a dream. There was a feeling of deep intensity. I guess the best way for me to describe this dream is to say it was INTENSE. I had a heightened awareness of my senses. I could hear, feel, see and smell things with an increased ability. Even greater than I have ever experienced in this life.

As I have been awake for almost an hour now, thinking and writing about my experience, I believe that the dream ended the way it did for a reason. I think it was a blessing so that I could continue to linger in the feeling of having Terik near me. To feel the feelings of love, happiness and gratitude a little longer. If I had had to say good-bye and watch him leave or drive away, it would have left me with a great feeling of sadness. Instead I was able to bask in the glow of that special experience. Of course the glow has worn off and the inescapable pain of his absence is felt. The important things though is that I was able to feel him near me for a small moment in time.

A Piece of Peace

Happy Birthday Mom!

I had some BIG firsts this last week. I had my first Birthday without Terik. I turned "40". Isn't "40" suppose to be a very hard birthday anyway? My husband and I went on our first Vacation as a couple together. Usually Terik would help Grandma babysit and keep everyone under control while we were away. It was so weird and emotionally difficult to come home and not have him there, telling us all the details of what occurred while we were away. My birthday was very difficult but not for the reasons one would think.  It was bizarre, but maybe somewhat nice, to not even think or worry one bit about turning "40".  I guess there were too many other important or painful things to think about.  However, there were many sweet and happy moments in my day. I had soooo many "Happy Birthday" wishes, cards, and gifts from friends and family. It was great to celebrate with my sweet family and my amazing sister Stacee and her adorable daughter Breckle. They came to take care of my kids while Troy and I went on our Trip to Washington. Troy surprised me with a weekend getaway; I had no idea he had planned it until the night before. It was very sweet of him to get airplane tickets, a rental car, a place to stay, arrange babysitting, and keep all of it a surprise, which he knows I LOVE!!!

Whale Watching

We went on a whale watching excursion and saw 3 humpback whales. It was an awesome experience but also one laced with pain. Our last trip that we went on with Terik included a whale and dolphin excursion. I thought of how much he enjoyed it. He always loved Dolphins since the time he was little. He even had an undersea bedroom (by his choice) fully equipped with 4 dolphins,which remained until he felt he was too old to have such things anymore (probably 13 years old). I hope somehow that he was able to be with us on our adventure and experience it again. We stayed in a gorgeous beach house overlooking the ocean, watched sunsets each night and slept with the sound of the crashing waves. It was marvelous to get away and have a few moments to relax and enjoy each others company. After we got home Troy and I talked about how we usually go on a trip to escape and forget the troubles of life for a few days. It was difficult because this trip wasn't like that. You can't just escape the kind of hardships we are currently experiencing.

This morning I turned to the Scriptures. I needed help. I wanted to know where the phrase was that people kept telling me over and over again throughout my life. "God will never give you a trial greater than you can handle."  Before I started reading,  I prayed that God would help me to feel the spirit, and that I would find peace, hope, and answers. Within minutes of studying the Bible, I read...

Matthew 5:3-9
3 Yea, blessed are the "poor in spirit" who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 And again, blessed are all they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
5 And blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
6 And blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost.
7 And blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
8 And blessed are all the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
9 And blessed are all the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.

I wondered at the wording of "poor in spirit". I cross-referenced this phrase that brought me to...

3 Nephi 12:3 (which had almost the exact wording in it)

Find Rest

Also D&C 56:18  "Blessed are the poor who are pure in heart, whose hearts are broken, and whose spirits are contrite, for they shall see the kingdom of God coming in power and great glory unto their deliverance; for the fatness of the earth shall be theirs."

I felt that this was an answer to my question, worry, and misunderstanding that I've had all my life. But, especially since Terik passed away. As Christians we hear all the time that if we will just turn to God that our trials will be taken, we will find true happiness and joy. This used to ring true to me and was a comfort to me in times when I felt very low. But ever since Terik passed away this has become a sharp knife; a dagger to my heart. I have wondered, "how can this be? How come when Terik was turning to God, seeking his help, he did not receive relief from his "poor spirit" (deep depression)?" I thought of how hard Terik strove each day to draw close to the Lord. After he received his patriarchal blessing, he read, reread, highlighted, and cross referenced it to the scriptures. This is more than I have ever done in the 24 years since I received my own patriarchal blessing. Terik always set lots of goals, read his scripture's, said his prayers, reminded us to do Family night, and put positive quotes and scriptures up in his room to help him remember the things that were important to him. He worked harder than most anyone I know, and definitely any teenager I've ever met. This is why the belief that we will have a "feeling of perfect love, peace, and a fullness of joy, if we are turning to Christ", kept bothering me so much. I believe Terik was the epitome of turning to Christ.  I felt as I read these scriptures they were speaking directly  to me about Terik! He was "poor of spirit"  heavy, broken, and depressed. Yet he was the most pure in heart person I have ever known. His heart was broken and his spirit was contrite. He would always mourn with those that were struggling in any way, including his own mother (especially in the few months right before he passed away). He was meek, humble, kind. He always hungered and thirsted after righteousness. He was merciful towards everyone. He gave instantaneous forgiveness. He would forgive his parents, siblings, and friends quickly, even if we didn't ask for it or deserve it. I never heard him speak an ill word towards another person and I don't think he had an enemy in the world. He was a peacemaker in our home. Yes, he had his moments of frustration with his siblings, but would quickly say sorry and start to do something fun or silly to make them laugh and have fun. He wanted everyone to be happy and would even sacrifice his own happiness to help someone else. If I had to find one phrase that defined Terik's character most perfectly, it would be "Pure in Heart".

A Child's Prayer

All of these scriptures speak peace to my soul. Why? Well it is two-fold. First, I believe Terik embodied all of these qualities. He was as perfect and good a person as any I've seen.  Reading the blessings that come to those that exemplify these traits is wonderful. Any mother would rejoice in those words when they saw their children living righteous, good lives. But when your child dies from suicide it brings into question whether all these blessings will still be his. The flood of Why's? How's? Could of's? and Should of's? rush over you.  This brings me to my second reason for finding peace in these scriptures. It never mentions anywhere in the scriptures that we won't be given more than we can handle. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 and again in Alma 13:28,  it does tell us that, if we turn to God, we will have no temptation that is too large that we can not have an escape from it.  This does not speak of trials. Some people get the trial of Cancer, Diabetes, Heart conditions, and yes even Depression. Some trials are so great that there is no escape. We endure them as best we can, relying on God every step of the way. If we rely on God, then the blessings spoken of in these verses will be ours, but never fully until after we die. My sweet Terik was "Poor of Spirit". It grieves my soul to think of all he must have endured. However, knowing the difference between trials and temptations helps us to see things in a very different light. For me, just knowing the way Terik handled the trials in his life helps me to see that he will not be denied any of the blessings promised here. For this typifies all that Terik was; who he is!!! The things I've learned this morning have given me peace of mind and deeper understanding. Whether these are true principles or my own interpretation of them, I'm not sure. But it rings true in my heart and mind. This spiritual journey I took today has been an eye opening experience. It has given me a "piece of peace". Even if it's only for a moment to get me through the day.  I will take it!

I'm CRAZY, but GOD loves me

I went to my "shrink" today. Yes, I am officially CRAZY!!! I've had a really horrible few weeks and was in no mood to talk to my psychologist. I do EMDR therapy with him. EMDR therapy is a type of therapy that allows our brains to process our feelings and emotions. It helps us to use both sides of our brain, which is very hard for most of us to do. I've only had one other session, but it was wonderful. It helped me get over some of the trauma and anxiety I was feeling. Every time I saw a train, a policeman, and other triggers I had a sort of panic attack. It didn't remove these memories or feelings completely but took down the intensity significantly so that I can bear them. Doing this therapy today was actually the last thing I wanted to do. I had gone to get a massage this morning.  This left me feeling so relaxed and calm. Which was a nice reprieve from the pain and horror of seeing Terik's headstone for the first time yesterday. This afternoon  I had also gone to Elli and Mariauna's Dance Festival at school. I was having such a fun and pleasant day that I didn't want to ruin it by talking about things that would inevitably cause me sorrow. My sweet husband talked me into going to the Doctor, telling me that I needed it! :)  I had drawn a blank on what I was even going to talk to the therapist about. When I sat down he asked "How are you feeling? What would you like to work on today?" I told him I wasn't really sure. Then I said, "Well, I have been having a really hard time even coming to terms with the fact that Terik is gone. If I do feel the realism of it, it is overpowering and I try to shove it down. The pain and anguish  it causes is too intense that I can not endure it. In those moments I feel utter and total despair and I do not even want to live. I just want the pain to stop. So I either find a distraction of some kind or I start to spiral downward into a deep depression."  He then said "How about we do some EMDR work?" 

He told me to think about the hurt I felt in these moments. To focus on the part of my body I felt the pain most.  So started off thinking about the pain in my heart and chest; those feelings I felt yesterday when I went to Terik's grave and saw his beautiful headstone there. Thinking of how I fell to my knees, with my head in my hands on the wet grass and sobbed for several minutes. The pain of that moment left my chest feeling like it was on fire. I thought about how unfair it was that Terik was buried in the ground instead of at home with me, with our family. I thought about the hurt and pain and anger I was experiencing because he was dead. I felt angry at Terik, at God, at myself, and mostly just at the situation I was in. I went in and out of these emotions several times, pausing in between to talk to my doctor about the feelings I was experiencing. Each time he would have me recognize where those feelings were coming from physically within my body. It started out in my chest and a little in my stomach then moved into my throat and eventually into my shoulders. I allowed myself to feel so much that I haven't before like how I felt it was unfair that I had endured so much in my life time. I had already buried 2 children and now a 3rd that was even harder than the others. I had to endure many illnesses, surgeries, divorce, depression, infertility, and so on. I felt that I have been trying to live righteously and didn't feel I deserve to have experienced such deep pain and loss. I also felt the deep pain, agony, and anger about never being able to see Terik at the end of the day. To be able to hold his hand, give him a hug, and hear about the events of his day. I thought of the longing I have for this exchange each and every day. I realized I wanted and needed to know that God was with me, helping me. Even though my mind knew He was, that I had a multitude of angels helping me and carrying me, I felt like I couldn't feel them or recognize their presence.  I thought about the fact that I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, seeking for peace and comfort, and how I felt I was not receiving it. I felt it was very unfair, that after all I was doing, why could I not receiving the blessing I desired? I thought about the picture of the angels lifting up the woman. I thought,"I know God wanted me to have this picture. He wanted me to know that there are angels helping me." If it is true then why can I not feel it or tell they're there? I then faced my deep fear that my other children might have the same fate as Terik. I had lost 3 children. What if I loose a 4th? 

I wanted absolute assurance that this would not happen. I wanted reassurance that Terik's soul is saved, that I would make it through this pain, and that one day it would subside. I could not feel peace in any of these things. I then began to worry that I would not be able to help my children enough; that I would not be able to be there in the ways they would need me to. I also felt deep remorse that I was not able to be there for Terik the way he needed me. I wish that I could go back in time and know what I know now and be able to fix it. I want to make it as if he had never died. To give him relief from his depression and from his mortal pain and anguish. I thought about how unfair it is that we have time to repent and make right almost every other sin or mistake. Why can't I repent of this mistake and have Terik back? God has all power, couldn't he just let me repent? Turn back the clock 3 months? Let me try to help Terik again? I'm sure I could do better this time! The anguish and pain of this reality, of my failure, the inability to never be able to change the outcome of my mistakes and my lack of experience, was more than I could stand. I began to cry uncontrollably. I am not sure how long I cried, but it felt like 10 or 15 minutes. Through my tears and sobs I told the doctor, "I can't do this anymore. I'm stuck in my thoughts and it hurts too much. I can't proceed." 

He then told me I needed to go back to that hurt and pain. To that moment where I felt stuck. This time, however, I should think of a person in my life that helped me to feel comforted and safe? I chose my grandmother and the Savior. I imagined them there with me in the deep despair that I felt.  I could see myself standing in front of that train, crumpled up in a heap on the ground. I was sobbing over Terik's body. I told my grandma and the Savior that I had failed him. That I wanted to fix it. I wanted to help him and bring him back, but I felt helpless. I wrapped one arm around my grandma and the other around the Savior. They helped me up as my head hung low. I felt drained and heavy. They told  me "you do not have to fix this. You do not have to carry it or change it." Then the Savior said to me "I have already carried your burdens and Terik's for you.  Let me hold you, and let me carry this burden." I then had the realization that He was standing behind me with both arms stretched out straight to his sides, like a cross. I laid my arms over His, with my back to him, as if I was on the cross myself. I was hanging lifeless, bruised, and broken. My head hung low and I felt I could stand no more. So I didn't. I went completely limp. But, instead of falling to the ground again I felt the strength of the Savior; His Body being the Cross that held me up. My head still hung low and my feet dangled. I starting to feel the pain subside as my cross became easier to bear. He said, "I will carry you through this life. I will never leave you. I never left Terik, and I never will. I've carried both your burdens and you are both forgiven." I then looked down and noticed that my grandmother was kneeling at my feet, hugging and holding onto my legs. She was telling me she loved me, and that she was so sorry I was hurting so much. She told me she would take care of my boy for me. She walked over to where Terik's body lay in front of the train. She told me, "This is not Terik. He is not here in this physical dwelling anymore. He has been freed." I saw her lift Terik's spirit and then take him by the hand. They started floating upwards towards heaven. My grandma continually reassured me as they ascended that she would always be with him, that she would take care of him.  I continued to watch them until they became so small that I could not see them anymore. After this experience, that had taken place in my mind, I felt such an amazing peace. This was such a sharp contrast from the pain that I had felt just moments earlier.

I didn't want it to end. I wanted to stay there and bask in the peace and love I felt in that moment. After a few minutes I opened my eyes with a new hope and faith that I could carry on. That with the Savior's help I could endure to the end. Wow!!! I am so grateful for this experience. I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father who sacrificed his Son so willingly so that I can be saved and redeemed from the fall. I'm grateful to the Savior who helps me through the pains of this life. 

I love you my Terik. I will try to set you free into the arms of the Savior, and into the arms of my grandmother. I know she loves us both. I will let her be you're nurturer and caregiver until I see you again. Thank you grandma! Thank you Jesus! Thank you for loving 

and helping us!