Friday, December 18, 2015

Tis' the Season

Christmas is a magical time of year. Everyone has the love of neighbor and a Christ-like spirit about them. The air is crisp and children are full of Joy and Excitement! There are Santa's on every corner bringing cheer to boys and girls. The story of the glorious birth of Jesus is seen, heard, and proclaimed all around.  I have often wondered, "How could I keep this feeling of Christmas with me throughout the whole year".  I have always loved everything about the Christmas Season and Terik loved it even more than I did. This has made it even harder for me as I feel the heavy dread of each tradition lurking waiting for me to fulfill it. It weighs upon me like a chore to be accomplished rather than a pleasure to be enjoyed. I did know that Christmas would be difficult this year. I had warned myself and prepared for it even but unfortunately I didn't understand, not in the ways I'm experiencing it anyway. I expected the day of Christmas to not be filled with the same excitement as years past and I expected that there would be that hole in my heart, aching and burning. However, I never thought about the thousand other things that would be effected. All the things that go along with, "Tis'", the Season.  Some of the most simple things that always brought a smile to my face are now the very things that send daggers into my heart. I've heard that sometimes our greatest joys are also our greatest sorrows.



The Christmas Pickle
Here is a small example... The pickle that sits on my shelf. I didn't realize it would bring me to tears every time I walked past it. The pickle is a newer tradition that we had adopted. The idea is that it is hidden in the Christmas tree on Christmas eve,  then in the morning everyone searches for it. Whomever finds it gets to open the first present of Christmas.  They then get to choose one for someone else. It was an exciting new addition to our list of traditions. Everyone loved it. Terik found the pickle last year and whenever I see it there, waiting to be hid, I think of the excitement on his face after everyone searched for it for a good 5 minutes and he yelled "I FOUND IT".  I see it sitting there and the tears begin to flow, while thinking... "How do we hide the pickle? How do we do it without him here to help us find it? Why does it seem that the world has stopped for me? Everyone else seems like they are moving about so quickly. How did the world not stop spinning for them? We can't have Christmas without Terik!!! It will never be the same. He made it so fun for all of us. I have to do it for my kids. I have to make it as fun as I can." So I wipe off my tears, stick out my chin, and press forward. This is just one of many examples.


Temple Square : SLC, UT
We went to see the lights at Temple Square in SLC, another annual tradition, and it felt colder than normal. We all could feel the sadness of his absence but at the same time I had a tender thing happen. I noticed all the lights in the trees seemed brighter than normal. It made me wonder if Terik was there with us after all.

Tis' the Season to be with Family, Tis' the Season to be Jolly, Tis' the Season to build snowmen, drink hot chocolate, sit by the fireplace and read a Christmas story, reenact the Saviors birth, dress up as Joseph or be a shepherd, to have Parties, be with friends, do a kind deed, decorate a gingerbread house, make a treat for the neighbors, and did I mention.... be with family? Terik's absence is tangible in everything we see, hear, feel, and do. Even in the foods we eat. Nothing tastes as sweet and with every bite I'm wondering... "Does Terik miss this food, does he wish he could have a little bite?"

We know that we will be with Terik again someday. We do not waver in our conviction of this, it's just that the waiting is long and the loneliness is very hard. I want to be real here and say that this is the hardest month I have had since month 1. He really should be here! It has been snowing here everyday this week and I know that it is for me. He is trying to tell me, "Look Mom, I'm not so far, look all around you, you will see me." I have always loved the snow but I love it even more now. The fresh fallen snow feels like a big blanketed hug that is covering me and comforting me. It is so pure and white and it makes everything else glitter and glow. As I have been trying to find my balance these last several weeks I have felt such a myriad of emotions. Guilt for not feeling happier, for not letting this season be everything it has been in the past,  for not being able to be 100% for my children, for not helping others more and for 1,000 other things. Sadness for myself, my children, and all of Terik's family and friends who also miss him. Despair, wondering if things will ever feel "Normal" again. Weakness, because I can't pull it together.  Gratitude for a Savior who loved me enough to come to this retched world and take upon Himself the pains of all mankind.  He has made the sting of death bearable. I can not even imagine the pain I would feel if it were not for Him.  With Christ we can do all things and most important to me is the miracle of getting to be with my loved ones again. Blessed be the name of the most high God for sending us His Only Begotten Son. This truly Tis' the season to Praise Him, love Him, and thank Him for everything.
I know all these things as truth and yet the emotions and confusion of 100's of other feelings overpower me, too often. Then last night I heard this song by Hilary Weeks and it made me realize that I needed to relax, love, and allow myself the same courtesy I would allow anyone else. Just listen.... You will see what I'm trying to say.

I love this heart wrenching and tender song by Hilary Weeks. I also love you all.
Thank you for allowing me to cry. Sometimes alone and sometimes with you. Thank you for not trying to rush me through my grieving. I know I push myself more than anyone else does. I thought I would feel a certain way by the time Christmas came around, because it will be 10 months on Christmas Day, but for some strange reason that makes me feel worse.  I have evaluated this and decided it is because I have an expectation of what I want to feel (or should feel) by the 1 year mark and I feel 1,000 miles away from reaching that place. I have decided I need to take the advice from this song to heart and allow myself the right to Cry. Whenever, wherever and for however long I need to. I'm just going to let it out. I'm giving myself the space, love, and time I need. Thank you all for helping me on my journey and especially for helping my children when I feel I am not strong enough to do so. Thank you for your prayers of faith that we all have felt. Without all my Heavenly and Earthly Angels I would not have ever made it this far!!!
God Bless you and I truly wish you the most Heartfelt Merry Christmas!!!

Saturday, November 28, 2015

The First Thanksgiving!!!

Well, we have the first Thanksgiving without Terik behind us. I have to say this feels like a victory, and yet a huge loss at the same time. The dread and fear of the day started out with a very heavy heart, followed by crying and sobs. When I got done mourning the Thanksgivings of the past and how they will never be quite the same, I got up and decided to face the day. I had previously decided that my kids needed to see that even though we miss Terik we can still find Joy, and there is so many good moments to come. So it made the decision to get out of bed, get dressed, and put a smile on, a whole lot easier. As an adult I have a different perspective than I did as a child. I have gone through some very hard things in my life and found that I was able to make it through them, even when there were moments when I thought I never could.  I hope and pray everyday that my children will be able to have a perspective that is beyond their years.  That they will see that the pain of loss, as hard as it is, is not the end. We can find rainbows, see the sunlight again, and yes even find joy in the holidays. As I headed out my bedroom door I took a deep breath and told myself... "Terik would want us to enjoy this day. Spending time with family was his favorite, especially the Holidays. So if I can try my best to find joy today, the greater chance I'll have of feeling him close to me today."

     
Thanksgiving 2015
We did something very non-traditional this year for Thanksgiving (for "our" family anyway).  I thought the change up of the day would make the hollow place in my heart feel a little less gaping.... it worked!!! We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant (thanks to my amazing sister and brother-in-law). I'm not sure if what made it easier was not having to cook and do all the dishes or if it was because it felt less like Thanksgiving and more like a really nice dinner with family. But either way maybe this was exactly what I needed this year. We did do something very traditional however. We went to a Thanksgiving day movie, along with the rest of the world I think. We saw "The Good Dinosaur" which my kids loved, and the adults thoroughly enjoyed also.

Thanksgiving 2014
So, Thanksgiving day went off better than expected but the thing that threw me for a loop came the next day. Terik's friend had invited us over to his house for an LDS mission opening. This is where they open and read the letter from the first presidency of the Church that tells them where they will serve their mission. I was very excited for him, and I was so grateful he thought to invite us.  As he read the words of his letter this thick, tingling, numb feeling started to fill my chest... you know the one that comes right before you break into tears. It's almost as if the tears all filling up your lungs as you try to hold them in. Usually for me once I hit this point there is no turning back, the sob fest is inevitable! I was grateful to have Troy there to hold onto and walk out the door with. He has been my support and strength over and over again through the last 9 months. When things seem unbearable he has a way of holding me up until I can stand again. I love him and am so grateful he is my husband. I am truly blessed!!! I feel no one understands me completely except God but Troy is a very close second. I know that he feels the loss, heartbreak, and pain just as I do. He just shows it and experiences it in different ways than me. It is amazing how often we will exchange a look, an acknowledgement of total understanding, where no words are needed (because there are probably not the words anyway). When something difficult is said or a situation arises that brings a sting or stab of pain, a glance is all it takes. It is nice to feel understood when I spend a lot of my time feeling out of place, awkward, and lost. As we sat in the car and cried, after the mission opening, I expressed to Troy how hard it is to feel like there is a huge hole inside of me. I had heard the expression before, "It feels like half of me is gone", and I thought I could understand or at least sympathize with someone who was feeling that way. But it wasn't until this experience of loosing Terik that I truly understand it. Terik was a part of my everyday life for over 18 years. I was pregnant with him when I was 21. I spent everyday of my life from that moment forward trying to love and teach him the best way I knew how. There are many thoughts, hopes, and dreams of the future that are discussed in those many years. What college to go to, what friends to hang out with, what to study, whether to serve a mission, what career would he enjoy most, what kind of Husband he would be, what sort of girl did he want to marry, what type of father would he be (he would have been the greatest ever BTW, I'm pretty sure of that one), and so on. All of these experiences that come up are a reminder to me that a portion of my future, my life, part of who I am, was ripped from me. There is a huge gaping void where Terik, surrounded by wife, children, work, holidays, etc.., should fill.  I felt at a loss for words to express this feeling I was having and the intensity of it in that moment. I proceeded to try and make a parallel to a different loss.  I told Troy,
"I imagine that if I lost my legs and was wheel chair bound there would be an extreme loss for the future that I thought I was going to have of skiing, running a 5k, hiking up to a waterfall, country dancing, and just going for a walk for the heck of it. I imagine that I would feel trapped, robbed, even angry. I could see that the overwhelming loss could engulf me. I'm sure I would eventually find a way to get around it. Finding joy in what I could do. Discovering new dreams and ways to accomplish the things I desired. But my legs would never be back. Just as a part of me, not a metaphorical emotional part of me, but a tangible, physical part of me, "that IS me",will never be whole again without Terik. Not in this life anyway."  
The best way I can explain it is that I not only lost my son but I lost a huge part of me. Not just a part of my heart, but a part of my future, of the grandchildren and great grandchildren I was suppose to have. I lost the time spent writing letters to my son on a mission, meeting a new daughter as he took a wife and each little addition to our family as they came. I know it may seem weird to some that I am mourning the loss of things that had not even become mine yet but it is amazing how much you think about the future without even realizing it. I didn't realize how much my present life was intertwined with the future of not just myself but of my children until that future is no longer a possibility. I do see that little by little I am finding ways to deal with the loss of my present and future life as I knew it and looking for ways to more fully enjoy the new future I have been forced to create.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

A Slot in Time

It's fall break, UEA weekend, and we decided to go to Southern Utah to see my family and  enjoy the beauty of Gods creations. This was our 3rd time doing the Bryce Canyon Willis Creek slot canyon hike. One year ago, this same weekend, during fall break for our kids. Troy brought all the children except for Trevin (who was too little) to do this fun hike that we had so loved the first time we did it in 2007 for my husbands family reunion. 


With Cousins
          
2007 Willis Creek
















It was a great experience. The kids always have so much fun. The pictures they got from last year were priceless,  something that I'm so grateful we have.  They show Terik's energy and excitement for life, for nature, and the love he has for his family. As we did this hike a few days ago it brought mixed emotions. Feelings of *Guilt, Sadness, Joy, Thankfulness and Hope.

*Guilt that I didn't go last year with them. Wishing that I would have made the sacrifice to go. It's a memory I missed out on and will never get back. It made me realize how imported it will be to do so in the future. Even though the sacrifice might seem like a big thing in the moment, later as we look back, they are often the treasures that we will hold on to as the most cherished moments of our lives. 

2014 Willis Creek


* Sadness because my precious Terik wasn't here to do this with us. He was always the leader and made everything exciting and fun. Sometimes teenagers seem to find the negative in every situation,  so it's hard to do much of anything that will please them. But not Terik!  He was quite the opposite.  He helped everyone see the bright side if everything.  When someone got hurt, he would hug them and help them feel loved then find a way to laugh and help them have fun again as quickly as possible. 

* Joy to be together with my family. To have 4 beautiful children to love and raise.  I enjoyed, so much, watching them. They laughed,  played, ran and got dirty. They talked about Terik in positive ways.  Remembering the good times they had with him there. I know this is a healing thing for their souls.


*Thankfulness for having so many wonderful memories with Terik. Thankful he enjoyed nature and hiking. Thankful for his excitement in new experiences that was so contagious. Thankful he is my son. Thankful that I got to spend almost 18 years of my life with him. Thankful for all he has taught me and continues to teach me. Thankful for each one of my unique children with their own special talents.

*Hope of having all 7 of my children with me again someday. All of us together as a family, building new memories together. Hope of being reunited and never having to be apart again. Hope of getting to see my 4 remaining babies grow and learn and watch as their beautiful lives unfold. 



2015 Willis Creek




























So here was a little glimpse down memory lane as I look at our 3 trips to the slot canyons. We have  had different Slots of Time in our lives. Some feel happy, full of joy and fun. Others seem hopeless and never ending. But, with each slot in our lives there comes new learning and growth that have helped me to enjoy the good moments more. Even if the good are laced with a tinge of sadness. I wouldn't trade one moment, one memory. I'm so THANKFUL for everyone.




Sunday, September 27, 2015

Conner's Gift

A little over a month ago one of Terik's best friends brought over a gift for us, a special gift that he had been making for over 6 months. He said he wanted it to be perfect. He didn't want to give it to us until it was just right. He was leaving for College in Hawaii the next day, so he needed to finish it and give it to us before he left. It was a perfect drawing and it made all of us shed many tears as we looked at it. It was a chalk pastel drawing of Terik looking up into the eyes of the Savior as He reached out in mercy to lift Terik up. He was lifting him from the darkness, from his sorrow and his pain, ready to take him into His arms and embrace him. There is no heartache in Terik's eyes, no shame, no anger, or fear. He was at peace because he knew the Savior. Terik could feel of His love and forgiveness for all of his mistakes and sins. Terik had lived his whole life reaching to the Savior, trying to become like Him, and wanting to please Him and keep all of His commandments. I have no doubt that Terik recognized the Savior when he saw Him.
This amazing pastel bore such a strong resemblance to Terik, it was unmistakable. It was touching to me that Conner, who is a busy 18 year old, would take the time to spend hours and months on a gift for us.  He was graduating from high-school, getting ready to go to college, working. He most likely was trying to enjoy his last few months of being home before moving away, probably for the last time. I'm sure he had many things that he could have been doing. He could have found ways to busy and distract himself from the fact that he had just lost one of his very best friends,who had been his friend from the time they were 8. He could have chosen to avoid his own pain and grief of loosing Terik, but instead he did something that made him think about Terik every single day. He faced the pain and fear. I am sure that even though this was a difficult task, that in the long run it will prove to be a very healing experience for him.


    
Conner's Pastel of Terik
He brought his gift over with a letter and a big hug filled with "LOVE". I asked him if I could share his picture and some of his words here on my blog and he said, "of course".
Here is a little part of his letter where he told of his experience and what inspired him to draw this beautiful piece of artwork.

"After hearing of Terik's passing I was trying to find something happy and hopeful to hold onto. Then the image you see before you entered into my mind. I felt as if I was looking through the eyes of the Savior as He was welcoming Terik into His arms. As soon as the image faded I knew I had to do my best to recreate it."


I could feel the spirit in which Conner drew and presented this gift to us. He was humble and filled with love for Terik and for us. He also was expressing his own love and faith in the Savior Jesus Christ.


I love this picture so much that it has become a focal point in our living room. I wanted my kids input in this decision and so I gave all my girls several different options of what we should put in our living room. They chose this piece of Art.

Our living room
Conner had copies (reproductions) of this picture made for all of Terik's friends in our neighborhood. One of Teriks dear friends sent this message, along with this picture, to his mom. He is serving his mission in Maine.  His mother is one of my good friends and forwarded this onto me.


Brayden's study desk

"Connor brought over the picture he made for you the night before Brayden left on his mission.  They embraced and cried as they talked about Terik and that he would be with both of them on their journeys.  That picture is a treasure to 
Brayden because it represents the bond he has with both Terik and Connor and it represents the Atonement of Jesus Christ so beautifully.  I wanted you to see this picture of Brayden’s desk in his apartment in Maine where he does all his planning and studying.  That picture of Terik is front and center.  Brayden will always have a special place in his heart for one of his dearest childhood friends. I know Terik's spirit and example will help empower Brayden to boldly testify of Jesus Christ and His Atonement which covers everything!"

I am so thankful for so many wonderful friends who loved and continue to love Terik. They blessed his life and continue to bless mine. Today has been a good day. I am thankful when I have a day like today where I can feel peace and a closeness to God and my boy. 



Sunday, September 6, 2015

Bread

I met an overly friendly,  kind, and well-intentioned, women in the store yesterday.  However, she opened a wound in me that I didn't know existed.  Some of my wounds are obvious because they are gaping open.  I protect and cover these sores so they can heal properly. I realize they need to be carefully cared for so they do not get infected or scabbed over, later becoming scarred. I understand that extremely deep scars cause a lot of pain that often can never be fixed with out surgery and additional, unneeded pain. 

So anyway, back to my story.  This sweet lady opened a wound, poured in salt and rubbed it around a bit. It was Saturday evening and I was buying some staples for the upcoming week; milk, bread,  eggs,  etc. I headed to the cash register and got in the shortest line I could find.  Bread was on sale so I bought 6 loaves. My well-intentioned friend, whom we will call Suzy, since we don't know her name, was standing right behind me in the line. She strikes up a conversation with me by saying "How many children do you have?"

Being caught off guard I hesitated, wondering which number to choose. Should I say 5, 7, or 4? Then as if I had run out of time, I blurted out "5".

I didn't know buying "Bread" could be so hard!
  Suzy cheerfully said, "I figured you must have a big family, with all this bread you're buying." Laughing at her own joke. "Kids eat so much don't they?"

"Yes" I replied. Then broke eye contact trying to end the conversation.

"Are any of your children teenagers?" Suzy pressed curiously.
I nodded in the affirmative.
"How many? Any boys?" She questioned.

Seriously! How much salt do you have? I thought. Another long period of silence was followed by my introspective reply,  "Yes, I have 2 teenagers.  One boy and one girl."

Suzy exclaims, "Can you believe how much teenage boys eat? I actually didn't even realize how much my Teenage son was eating until he went off to college this year. When he left our grocery bill was cut in half." Another chuckle followed. 

I looked away again, as the tears started welling up. I tried with all my might to not have a major breakdown in the middle of our local grocery store. My mind had started racing rapidly with so many questions and thoughts. "I bet her son knew Terik, and I bet she knows about his death. Terik should be starting college this year just like her son. Terik would have moved out also. He should have taken all his stuff with him. Instead his stuff is sitting in his room waiting for me to sift through it, deciding what things I can bare to part with. He would probably be coming home for Sunday dinner tomorrow, telling me all about his first week of college life. 

Anger flared up inside me.  Should I yell back at Suzy? Could I say,  "CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS?  MY SON IS DEAD! So this is a very painful and uncomfortable conversion for me!"  I knew it wasn't her fault though. She had no idea what my life entailed, about my story, or the struggles I was having just to get through a day. She was just trying to strike up pleasant conversation probably hoping to make my day a little more cheery. So I restrained myself and decided to put on my fake smile and be kind back to her instead. "Yes", I said. "It is so true. When my son left,  I quickly realized that I needed to buy less food.  Gallons of milk, bags of chips,  bottles of salsa,  and tons of other stuff went bad, before we could eat it all.  I realized I needed to cut back on my groceries."

Suzy shot back, "It has actually been really nice for me to save some money on..." Thankfully, just seconds before this last comment was made, I was handed my receipt and told by the cashier to "Have a nice day." 

Suzy's voice trailed off as I turned around and walked away from her mid-sentence. With tears streaming down my face, I walked out of the store with the thought running through my head,  "There is no part of my son being gone that is nice and there shouldn't be for you either."  If I hadn't been crying and on the brink of a melt down,  I would have turned around and looked her square in the eyes and said, "You should love, hug and appreciate your son every single second you can. You should never be thankful for any part of not having him with you, because you never know if it will be your last." Instead, I walked straight to my car and clung to the steering wheel,  head down, and sobbed. I allowed the pain to run through me, I embraced the hurt and sadness.  I allowed the wound that was throbbing to remain open so it  could be cleansed by my tears, until it felt healed enough that I could move forward. 

There are many small cuts that come up like this.  Little wounds that I never expected and to some people would seem very insignificant. I have painstakingly learned that the best way to get through these moments, is to give myself the right to cry, get angry, feel in despair, or whatever I need to do, so that I can heal these cuts properly. I've seen that this actually helps me in the long run. Because the next time a similar event happens it will not open the wound again but merely cause a bruise. Bruises heal more quickly than open sores.  I have also learned through this experience, and many others like it, that people are well meaning. I need to appreciate their efforts and recognize them for what they are. Moments of Humanity, Brotherly Love, Kindness!

P.S.
So, I guess the Moral of this story is, "Don't buy lots of bread unless you're ready to talk to SUZY!!!"

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

6 months? What?

6 months! The world lost a remarkable young man who still had a bright future, so much life left to live.  Terik took his life by suicide 6 months ago today. Well, actually I figured out that even though it's 6 months from February 25th to August 25th it will actually be half a year on Thursday August 27th. I'm not sure why this mattered to me but for some strange reason it just did.

I know I've mentioned this before and have tried to figure out in my head why it is even a thing but I get so sad the farther it gets away from Terik's passing. Don't I want time to pass quickly? Won't that make my healing process, progress more quickly? Doesn't the passing of time just help bring me closer to the time I get to see him again? These are all very valid and true statements but then there is the part of me that is like, "HEY, my life has stopped here, how is the world still spinning? How in the heck has it already been 6 months?" The pain is as intense as the day I found out he was gone. I can still feel the constricting feeling in my throat and the tightening of my stomach, the drop of my knees, and the wish for death to consume me also, to relieve me from this excruciating pain, every time I think of the moment when I saw those 2 police cars parked outside my house. I definitely do not pretend to even slightly understand this turmoil and the fight I have within myself about "TIME". I guess it is just another one of those things that I need to embrace, try to get use to, and find a way to live with.


The Best Big Brother "EVER"
I started off this morning with a heartfelt prayer, well honestly it was really more of a plea to God, to be able to get through the day. I gave thanks to him for letting me enjoy Terik's beautiful spirit  for almost 18 years. Then as I started to think on this, on the time we have spent together. I remembered all the wonderful moments of talking, laughing, singing, reading, and playing games. I thought of late night talks, watching Brian Reagan and laughing until our cheeks hurt. Watching a thunderstorm together and squealing with delight when an extra large lighting flash would  brighten up the whole sky, followed by a LOUD CRACK ripping through the otherwise quiet night, and one of us shouting out, "DID YOU SEE THAT ONE"? Sitting next to each other on the couch, his head leaned on my shoulder, and watching a movie. (He never got to old to give his mom loves). Midnight talks after a date or hanging out with friends and him smiling and telling us all about it.  The times when he would sit and talk to a group of my friends or other adults, totally engaged and feeling completely comfortable. I believe he actually loved it! As these memories flooded over me,  my heart felt full and heavy at the same time. I felt so grateful for having known him and the fullness he brought to my life. Yet the Heaviness of his loss bearing down at the same time. For all the hopes and dreams and future memories that have been ripped from me.  The loss of Terik is so excruciatingly painful!!! My thoughts then turned to Trevor and Faith. They are my babies who died just hours after their birth. I thought about how much I cried and hurt after they died in their infancy. A new recollection came over me in a way that I am not sure I can fully put into words. But I'll do my best....

I realized that if I had lost Terik in his infancy It would have been so tragic. How painful it is to think, "Oh wow, what if Terik had died in infancy? What if I had not had those 18 years with him!" That would have been an even greater tragedy. I am so grateful for every single moment. Every good and bad time we spent together (most of them being good ). I had a strong unexpected pain, overwhelming and all consuming, come over me. I thought about the tragedy and loss I felt of not getting the opportunity to have Trevor and Faith live for some period of time with me. How I wished they could have lived 6 months, 2 years, 10 years, any amount of time that would have given me more experiences and more memories with them. Before, I had always thought of it as a blessing that I had not lost them at age 3 or 5 years old. I felt, at the time, that it would have been so much harder to have loved them for a longer period of time and then have them ripped from me. But I realized today that I have a deep pain and longing for all the missed out TIME! I was robbed precious time with my babies. It breaks my heart because just as I would love to have 1 more day, 1 more year, or another decade with Terik. I also felt this great desire to have been able to have 1 more day, 1 more year, 1 more decade with Trevor and Faith. I am not sure this is a good or bad discovery today but It was definitely very eye opening for me. It made me realize how precious my interactions with other people are. How precious each moment is. I am grateful for every breath that my loved ones take,  for it is one more second they are here with me. If I would have been given the choice to have lost my precious Terik at Birth or at age 17 1/2, of course I would choose the latter.  Having Terik die has given me a greater perspective into something I never would have understood in any other way. I now know that I would have cherished and been grateful for every day I could have held those babies, loved them.  I'm not sure I could ever portray this experience in a way that would give it the full depth and meaning that it so intensely fell upon me today, at least not with my limited ability to communicate.

One year ago today! So cute, sassy, and fun!
I went and sat at Terik's grave and talked to him for a few minutes. I then decided I needed to go to the last place I knew he stood before he died. I drove to the little park, where he had left his car, and where he must have sat, cried, suffered, and thought. I asked right out loud "What happened here Terik? Please help me to have a glimpse into your mind, into that day, help me understand a little more?" Thank goodness the park was totally empty or that might have felt a bit awkward ;)  I brought some letters that were sent to us by friends and family that talked about Terik. They were ones that I had yet to have the courage to read. I decided it was time to open a few.  I sat on the grass in the shade and started to read the first story which was from Terik's cousin Porter. It was so sweet and tender, the tears began to freely fall. I could feel the sincerity in his words and the depth of love he had for Terik. My thoughts were interrupted by the rumbling of the ground and then the roaring sound approaching. My heart pounded inside of me like a base drum, then whoosh a passenger train flew by at 70 mph. Something inside of me cracked in that moment. I fell to my knees and sobbed and sobbed. My insides felt like they were trying to jump out and be freed from the pain of my soul. I'm not sure how long I was there but long enough that I gave the grass enough water for a week, I'm sure. I then continued to read several more letters. Things people remembered about Terik. The good things he had done, the way he had touched someones life, the times he included someone that looked a little down or alone. It gave me such joy to see that others had recognized his goodness and that it wasn't just me, a prejudice mother, thinking he was/is a precious spirit! Even though the experience of sitting in this place where Terik had last been, where he died, and where I know he suffered much was a difficult heart wrenching thing to do. I believe it was also a very healing moment for me too. It helped me face some fears I had been holding in. It helped me talk to him in a very candid way and have a little glimpse into my sons eyes. I kept wishing somehow I could run up onto the tracks, turn back time and pull him off those rails. If only life was a little more like movies and fairy tales then I could totally make that happen.  :)

I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for all my amazing family members and friends who called, text, brought flowers, treats, and dinner for our family today. Thank you all for being so good to me and our family. You are wonderful and I hope you know how much we love you!!!  We are so very blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people who do not just forget about us and think, "Hey, it's been 6 months I'm sure they are doing lots better." I am so blessed to have a loving support system that have given me help all along the way.

As a final note.  I was listening to Pandora radio this morning and the song "Blessings" by Laura Story came on. I started to bawl as I thought about how this song related to me and to my baby boy Terik. Here are some of the lyrics and a link to a place you can listen to the song if you would like. 


We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?


The Link for the Song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

Sometimes it is hard for me to find a silver lining in any trial but especially this one. This song however gave me a feeling for both Terik and I, and everyone else on this earth. We have had very hard things placed in our path. We would never wish them to happen. We would do anything we could to change it and make it better, but what if? What if one day I get to Heaven and I see that this whole trial was a true blessing in disguise? This is the silver lining I am trying and choosing to hold on to today. I will probably never understand the depth or purpose behind Terik's suffering or now mine and my families, but I choose to cling to the hope that God knows me, He knows Terik, He knows all of His children and he will bless them in every way He can, to help them become who they need to be. But sometimes those lessons are learned only through heartache and suffering. This is something that is maybe easy to say but harder to fully internalize and then try to hold fast to. I am going to try to do it, even if it's just for a minute. 

Sunday, August 9, 2015

TRY

     Okay, so the other day, I'm driving down the road and all of a sudden a popular song comes on the radio. I'm sure a lot of you have heard of it. It's called "Try" by Pink. I broke down and started to bawl. Now before you think it was just one of my normal crazy freak out moments, let me defend myself a little bit. It wasn't because an old boyfriend had broke my heart when I  was young. It wasn't because of a love that went wrong. It was a permanent link that was tied to the moments that proceeded Terik's passing.
     
*How a person with depression or bipolar feels like inside.
 Half  is what they show, the other is how they feel.
      After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, just a little while after hearing that Terik had died, I finally gave up on the idea of sleeping. So I headed down to Terik's room. It was about 5:00 in the morning.  I laid on his bed looking through pictures, his artwork, smelling his clothes, trying to completely engulf myself in him. I was crying, aching, (both physically and emotionally), nauseous and totally in shock. Every once in a while I would have short  moments of muted paralysis. In one of those moments there was a loud sound that broke the silence. Terik's alarm clock went off. It was 5:15, time to get up, time for Terik to go to school. It was Thursday morning, an A day.  He should be getting ready for early morning seminary. Only this morning, he wouldn't be waking up. There would be no school for him today.  The musical echo of Pinks song "TRY" rang in my ears. It started right in the middle of the chorus. "You've gotta get up and try, try, try. Gotta get up and TRY." Over and over again the forceful words racked through the numbness of my soul. It seemed to me that it was a message sent specifically for Terik.  I crumpled into a heap on the floor holding my stomach, protecting it,  as if someone was trying to rip it from my body.  I kept trying to take a breath. But instead of air there was wailing and sobs that come one after the other.  The gasping for breath made my lungs burn. I couldn't stop and I didn't care. Death seemed a welcomed reprieve. It would be a sweet escape from the horror I was enduring.  The stabbing of excruciating  pain entered into every part of my being.  Why couldn't Terik have woke up to this song this morning?  Would it have helped him get through one more day?  Could it have given him hope for a brighter tomorrow?  The questions flooded over me like waves crashing on the sand.  Pulling it down, down under the deep blue water.   Burying and suffocating it with no end in sight.  Then I heard a sweet quiet thought enter into my mind.
 
*What Terik showed
    "I tried Mom.  I really did.  Every day for almost 2 years I got up and tried.  Every morning I wanted to stay in bed,  hide from the world but I didn't.  I gave it my all,  the very best I could.  Even though it hurt and I felt I was drowning,  I still got up and tried.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  I'm so sorry I hurt you so much but please know I did the best I knew how,  I tried. Please forgive me. I didn't do this to hurt you or anyone else."
*Terik's interpretation of his inside feelings

    I felt, in that moment,  the depression and hopelessness that Terik had endured. I'm sure I could never know the poignancy of his pain or all that he had suffered. I was actually, however weird as it may sound, grateful for a little glimpse into his heart. Even though it didn't ease my own suffering it did get rid of some of those why's I had been feeling. Why Terik? Why did you do this? Why did you choose this?  I realized this was not a choice for him.  In that moment, He had no other feeling except the excruciatingly painful reality of his existence.  He felt hopeless,  trapped inside his own body. I understood now that instead of this song being a message for Terik, that it was an intense song sent for me. I needed it! I would be asked to get up each day and try to live without him.  Even though it would be hard and I wouldn't want to do it most the time.  I still needed to get up and TRY! 
   
      I know we all go through hard things that seem insurmountable. Each of us have those moments when we wish we could hide from the world and be done.  But I say to each of us, to you and to me, "You gotta get up and TRY, TRY, TRY".  Life has ups and downs but it's worth living.  Depression is real. I know I've said it before but I feel I need to say it again. Depression is an illness

     
Sadness
just as any other illness.  We need to be treated for this illness just as we would for any other illness.  We need the help of professional Dr's. We need to follow their advice the best we can. We are not to blame for having this sickness, we do not need to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or self deprecating because we carry this illness. We need not feel it a sign of weakness to take medication. Medicine is used to treat almost every other ailment, why not depression also? Why do we sometimes feel it is a cop-out or a personal failure to do so? We shouldn't blame ourselves that we have depression. It is not our choice any more than it is someone's choice to have leukemia or diabetes. So why do we feel that depression is any different? I do not pretend to know the answer to these questions. I just wish to root-out the negativity that exists around depression. Also, to give more love and empathy for those that suffer from this illness. I will start with myself, with my friends, family and all those I know who struggle. 

In memory of Terik I want to endeavor to live each moment the best I know how. It may not be perfect but I will give a valiant effort.


*These drawings are self portraits of Terik


Lyrics to Pinks song "Try" (last verse)

Ever worried that it might be ruined,
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing,
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by?

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame.
Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned.
But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die,
You've gotta get up and try, try, try,
Gotta get up and try, try, try,
You gotta get up and try, try, try.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Coyote Gulch

It's been 5 months today! My heart breaks with each new dawn but especially on the 25th of each month that passes. So I decided that I needed to write and think about something good in my life. Something to help me remember Terik in a sweet and positive way.

Terik was part of the scouting program since the age of twelve. His scout troop included most of the boys in our neighborhood and he had become very close to them over the years. Terik had become an eagle scout just a few weeks before he passed away. In January the boys and leaders had a planning meeting for an outing called High Adventure. Terik was there to help give his input.  The trip was scheduled for the first week of summer break. High Adventure is for all boys 16 to 18 years old. Terik told all the younger boys that he thought they should go to Coyote Gulch. He said it was his favorite scout trip ever. He loved hiking through the slick rocks barefoot, feeling so close to nature, and really roughing it. He enjoyed playing in the water and seeing the small waterfalls along the way. He felt like he grew closer to his troop on this trip more than any of the others. This is actually pretty impressive because they have gone to some pretty fun/cool places, including boating at Lake Powell. They decided to go with his recommendation and went to Coyote Gulch. Terik was so excited that he said he was planning to go, even though he would already be 18 by the time of the trip.

    
Collecting rock and building the monument
The boys returned from their adventure several weeks ago. They brought me back these pictures. Some of the boys had the idea to make a little monument for Terik, not their leaders idea but their own. They knew how much he loved Coyote Gulch and they felt he should get to go with them.  They decided they should leave a piece of him that could always be there. So they took rocks, built a little monument, placed flowers on it, and put a picture of Terik inside. This was so touching to me that they would do this for Terik. I thought how impressive it was that a group of 16, 17, and 18 year old boys were so sentimental and thoughtful of someone else besides themselves. Okay,  let's be honest, we all know that most teenagers are so self absorbed that they have a hard time even seeing anyone or anything else but the person staring back at them in the mirror. At least that was how I was as a teenager, but I guess that could have just been me!

 
Terik's Scout Troop
I am continually impressed by their generosity and love. I feel they are very mature, beyond their years. I love these boys and feel grateful to them for always being good friends to Terik. Not just in this situation but throughout his whole life. They have also been very good to me and our family. I will often have one of them come up to me, during Sunday worship services or while we are out and about in the neighborhood. They will wrap their arms around me and give me a great big hug. They will tell me they love me and ask if their is anything they can do to help. They have helped me!

They have helped me to feel my boys arms around me. They have comforted me and my family. They have helped to keep Terik's memory alive. I love you Terik, your memory will live on forever!!!




The Monument they built for Terik

Sunday, July 5, 2015

"Happy" 4th of July


4th of July last year
Yesterday was the 4th of July and we went to the fireworks at Thanksgiving Point. We did the same thing the year before but last year it was with Terik. It was a very hard day for me, I didn't expect that. Which I guess is what made it even harder. I had friends and family text me and wish me Happy 4th of July. Oddly enough that was one of the hardest parts.  Nothing should seem happy to anyone right now. I know that's not the right way to think or the greatest attitude. However, in my mind, that is how I was feeling. My thinking...  "How dare people be happy. How can they think they can tell me to be happy." Even though I went around telling other people Happy 4th of July all day, I didn't think it was very happy and didn't want to hear it. I guess I'm a hypocrite ;)  I know that people are just trying to be polite, they want to send their love and extend the joy they feel to others. That is what I normally want to do too. For whatever reason, only at certain times, unexpected pains and thoughts enter my mind and heart. The problem is I never know when those moments will be. If I did know I might be able to avoid them or even try to find happiness in them, if I was prepared.

I was given an award a few days ago, for the nicest yard of the month, from our city. A friend (someone who also lost her son to suicide a few years ago)  text me to congratulate me on my award. I told her it was pretty amazing, it must have been a sympathy vote because I haven't worked in the yard but one or two days this whole year.
She said, "I don't know about sympathy vote! We didn't ever get yard of the month (when our son passed away). Ha Ha! But seriously your yard does look nice and I totally understand about not getting up the motivation. My husband really didn't have a desire to do the garden the next summer and he loves to do it".
My reply, "I'm glad someone understands because I love working in my yard too but seriously I hardly have a desire to do much of anything these days. But I'm doing my best to get by, day to day.  I've made it 129 days so far. Pretty good, right?" 
Her response, "Dang good! (I was going to say "damn good" because that says it better but I didn't know what your stand is on "light" swear words ;)"
That really made me laugh, which I appreciated and needed.
I have also had the thought that maybe my yard, looking as good as it does this year with little effort on my part, was a gift from God. He made it look better then it ever could have. He wanted me to enjoy the beauty of what I have spent countless hours working to create over the years. I know we do have seasons of our lives where, because of the things we've done, we can rest for a little while and still have blessings. Especially at times when we think there's nothing to find beauty or joyfulness in. I have found joy in my yard this year, sitting on my back porch looking at the flowers. I picked some of them this last week and brought them to Terik's grave. This brought me happiness and pain. I was grateful to share them with him but in the same token I wish I didn't have to bring Terik flowers to a cemetery. Having the piercing awareness that he shouldn't be there. Yet this is the way it is, he is there. I will work hard to find a way to accept joy, in this season of my life, where I can find it. 

I went to church today and I bore my testimony. It was actually the hardest testimony I've ever born. I felt so strongly I needed to share my testimony of the Gospel and my unwavering faith of our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. That they have all power over Heaven and earth. They know us personally and they love us and want us to return to them. I also wanted to give the youth  my love and appreciation for them. (They have made great efforts to show me their love. I plead with them to not give up, that life is worth living even if It is harder than they ever imagined it would be. There are rainbows after the rain.
   
A fitting day! Cloudy and  Rainy to match my heartache
This is a perfect analogy for today because I'm sitting out in the rain, umbrella in hand, talking with Terik. I look at the sky with hopelessness of the Sun ever showing it's face again. Will the rain ever stop pouring? I know that if we leave our umbrella up all the time, blocking the storm, because we're afraid of the rain pouring down on us, we will not be able to see the buckets of blessings that God wishes to pour down upon us. If we are unwilling to lower our umbrella, we will miss the bright rainbow, of magnificent colors, that will inevitably appear. We have to feel the rain on our face, experience the storm, to see and appreciate the rainbow. I believe that in every situation there is a silver lining. My silver lining today is the knowledge that I will get to be with my Terik forever someday. I can hardly wait to go spend time with him again, to talk about the things that we did while we were apart. We will hug and embrace and all the hurt pain and sorrow of this life will melt away. The pain will be replaced with pure joy, greater than I can ever imagine.

As I walked through the wet grass, the short distance to your head stone and burial place, the heels of my shoes sunk deeply into the wet, moist ground. The soil and grass clung to the souls of my shoes and made it very difficult for me to walk. It made me think of the fact that this life, all the pain that I'm going through right now, is like this wet grass and heavy mud under it. It wants to suck me down, pull me in, and never let me go. It makes it so so difficult to even take the next step. Maybe I need to take a lesson from this experience. I removed my shoes, to make it easier to walk.  I could feel the wet earth beneath my feet, it felt uncomfortable and cold but felt better than the alternative of being weighed down by the mud that wanted to pull me under. Satan would like to drag me down and keep me from standing up, bearing witness of all that I know to be true. I need to stand. I need to continue to testify that Jesus is the Christ, the Savior of the whole World. That He lives and that He loves us. He wants us to find joy and happiness. Not just in this life, in this world,  but in our life to come. Which is a much more important thing to live for than anything we can obtain in this life. I feel that we have the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ restored to the earth. I believe that we have priesthood keys restored that can save our families. Through the Savior we can repent, be baptized and be able to receive the blessings of the sealing power. These are found in Holy Temples, just as those who lived in Christ's day had. I know the Book of Mormon to be true and if I know the Book of Mormon to be true then I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. He was sent and asked to restore Christ's Church upon the earth once more. I know that Joseph Smith truly saw God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. They helped him, prepared him, to roll forth the restoration of the gospel in our day. Priesthood keys that had been lost have now been restored. For this, my life has been blessed. I know that in sharing my testimony it only strengthens it and cements in all that I know to be true. The spirit of God burns in me when I hear or speak the truth. I'm grateful for the beauty of the gift of the Holy Ghost. I do not glory of myself,  but I glory in my God!!!

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Holding Terik

I dreamt of Terik! I just woke up and had to write about my experience. I initially was filled with great Joy, I awoke from my dream grateful to have had the opportunity to see him. I now however am left with a longing to see him and hold him with a greater fervor then ever. That is saying something because I miss him everyday and wish to see him. I wouldn't change it one bit though, I would much rather have had the dream, feel him close for a moment, than to never have that opportunity again in this life. I can handle this type of pain and longing much easier because it comes laced with such great joy and goodness... Because without the heartache and pain, we would not know the JOY!

My Dream:
I was standing in the garage when I heard a car pull in, I turned assuming it was Troy, but instead I was surprised to see it was Terik. He was driving his little white Honda Accord. Which he lovingly called Thelma. He leaned forward on the steering wheel looking up at me with a HUGE smile plastered on his face; grinning from ear to ear. Like a small child on Christmas morning.  His face was lit with a sense of anticipation. I was feeling the same way and smiled back but with a little more hesitation and reservation, was it him? The garage became extremely brilliant as if a bright light had just been illuminated. The light made the colors more vivid and a great feeling of Love and Joy filled the whole room. I started saying, "I can't believe it, I just can't believe it" as he jumped out of the car and quickly came towards me. When he approached me his smell filled my nostrils, I could smell him It was wonderful, never had anything smelled so amazing. It was the deep scent of cologne and.... I don't know... just the smell of Terik! We embraced with a fervency that I've never felt before. Arms crisscrossed over each others backs. Heads down, buried in each others necks. We stood there not wanting to move or talk, afraid it would be over, the elation of this moment thrust away.

After a time, while still hugging and holding each other. I asked him over and over again, "Is it you? Is it really you? Honestly, is it truly, truly you?" To which he replied "Yes mamma it is". I started sobbing and sobbing and buried my head even deeper into his shoulder. I hugged him a little tighter, which I honestly didn't think was even possible. I cried out "I miss you so much, I miss you so sooooo much, Oh my goodness it has been so hard, I've never missed anyone so much." I exclaimed these things to him many times, each time with him replying fervently, "I miss you too mom, I miss you too." After quite a bit of time, feeling a little more confident that he was not going to disappear, I pulled him back away from me, just a little. Just enough so that I could look into his beautiful blue eyes and see his handsome loving face, my boys face! I stared at him for a few minutes just soaking him in. I looked at every detail of his being.

2 days before Terik passed away, Awesome hair Right?
His hair was cut the same way as the last time I had seen him. It was short on the sides and a little longer on the top, so you could see his beautiful tight curls. I loved his hair, I always did. I always told him he had the thickest hair of anyone I had ever cut and I had cut a lot of hair. He had a huge grin on his face. Light and Joy exuded from his face, filling my soul. His eyes pierced into me like a sharp knife, without the sting. He looked more handsome to me than I had ever noticed before and I had always thought he was a very handsome boy. (totally unbiased opinion here)

This is almost the exact outfit he was wearing
He was wearing his red, gray, and black plaid flannel shirt (which he loved and wore often) and his favorite black/gray jeans. About a year ago, Terik and a friend had gone to a thrift store just for fun.  They came out with a few treasures. These jeans were a product of that fun excursion. During the last 6 months of his life they had started shredding and falling apart at the seams. He loved them though and continued to wear them often. I use to tease him that I was going to cut them off his body one day.  All these details made him feel so real, so bright, and it seemed he was 100% with me. As I was looking at him, taking all of him in, I asked "Do you have to go back? Do you have to leave me again?" He simply stated, "Yes". This was said with the first bit of deep sadness and sorrow that I had felt from him since he had arrived. I wasn't all that surprised or crushed however. I guess maybe because I wasn't ever really expecting him to get to stay. I knew he was just here for a visit, but I wished I could keep him with me always.  I had so many questions like, "Are you happy?" To which he replied "Yes, happier than I was on earth, especially since the depression started." I could tell it wasn't 100% happiness though, not a fullness of Joy. It was in a different way, some way he could not express and that I would not be able to understand. I sensed that he felt some of our pain and he wished he hadn't hurt us, that he hadn't taken his own life.

I'm sure he was encompassed about by love and goodness in his new life though.  He told me he had many things he was learning and working on. I asked curiously, "What is it like there? What is life like where you are?" He said, "It is much like this life." At that moment it was as if he gave me a little picture into my mind, a movie of sorts, of what it was like. I could see that people were busy doing stuff. Some things were very important and some things were very trivial. I understood that it was much like what it is like on earth. Some people were near to God in all their thoughts and wanted to please Him. Others were so enthralled in what was exciting or entertaining that they didn't even notice or look for God. It really was very similar to our earth life. Except to my eye everything was very white. The clothes, buildings, benches, everything really, except for the grass, plants, and flowers were white. Terik then answered my second question. Which was "What are you doing there?" To which he replied, "I am learning and growing, things I didn't get the opportunity to during my earth life. I am also very active in helping you and our family heal and find peace." I started to cry intensely again. I expressed my feelings of profound gratitude for him doing that. He told me it was part of his learning. I somehow knew that this was only a temporary thing. He would be there until either he was ready to move forward or when we were able to handle him moving forward and not needing him so constantly.

I looked into Terik's eyes one last time and Boom, I woke up. I wished I could go back into my dream and feel him and see him so vividly. I tried but couldn't, just like other dreams I've had about him. I then decided to lay there and relish in the excitement and joy of getting to see and hold my baby boy again. I thought "Was this a "real" dream? Was he really there/here with me?"  I then felt warm arms encircling me, reassuring me that yes it was real and he was here with you. Sometimes, most of the time actually, I do not notice whether my dreams are in color or not. So when people pose the question, "Do people dream in color?" I usually would have said, "Hmmm, I don't know." Well this time I can say with 100% assurance that I dreamt in color. It was brighter and the colors more vivid then I have ever felt in a dream. There was a feeling of deep intensity. I guess the best way for me to describe this dream is to say it was INTENSE. I had a heightened awareness of my senses. I could hear, feel, see and smell things with an increased ability. Even greater than I have ever experienced in this life.

As I have been awake for almost an hour now, thinking and writing about my experience, I believe that the dream ended the way it did for a reason. I think it was a blessing so that I could continue to linger in the feeling of having Terik near me. To feel the feelings of love, happiness and gratitude a little longer. If I had had to say good-bye and watch him leave or drive away, it would have left me with a great feeling of sadness. Instead I was able to bask in the glow of that special experience. Of course the glow has worn off and the inescapable pain of his absence is felt. The important things though is that I was able to feel him near me for a small moment in time.








Friday, June 5, 2015

A Piece of Peace

Happy Birthday Mom!
I had some BIG firsts this last week. I had my first Birthday without Terik. I turned "40". Isn't "40" suppose to be a very hard birthday anyway? My husband and I went on our first Vacation as a couple together. Usually Terik would help Grandma babysit and keep everyone under control while we were away. It was so weird and emotionally difficult to come home and not have him there, telling us all the details of what occurred while we were away. My birthday was very difficult but not for the reasons one would think.  It was bizarre, but maybe somewhat nice, to not even think or worry one bit about turning "40".  I guess there were too many other important or painful things to think about.  However, there were many sweet and happy moments in my day. I had soooo many "Happy Birthday" wishes, cards, and gifts from friends and family. It was great to celebrate with my sweet family and my amazing sister Stacee and her adorable daughter Breckle. They came to take care of my kids while Troy and I went on our Trip to Washington. Troy surprised me with a weekend getaway; I had no idea he had planned it until the night before. It was very sweet of him to get airplane tickets, a rental car, a place to stay, arrange babysitting, and keep all of it a surprise, which he knows I LOVE!!!

Whale Watching
We went on a whale watching excursion and saw 3 humpback whales. It was an awesome experience but also one laced with pain. Our last trip that we went on with Terik included a whale and dolphin excursion. I thought of how much he enjoyed it. He always loved Dolphins since the time he was little. He even had an undersea bedroom (by his choice) fully equipped with 4 dolphins,which remained until he felt he was too old to have such things anymore (probably 13 years old). I hope somehow that he was able to be with us on our adventure and experience it again. We stayed in a gorgeous beach house overlooking the ocean, watched sunsets each night and slept with the sound of the crashing waves. It was marvelous to get away and have a few moments to relax and enjoy each others company. After we got home Troy and I talked about how we usually go on a trip to escape and forget the troubles of life for a few days. It was difficult because this trip wasn't like that. You can't just escape the kind of hardships we are currently experiencing.

This morning I turned to the Scriptures. I needed help. I wanted to know where the phrase was that people kept telling me over and over again throughout my life. "God will never give you a trial greater than you can handle."  Before I started reading,  I prayed that God would help me to feel the spirit, and that I would find peace, hope, and answers. Within minutes of studying the Bible, I read...

Matthew 5:3-9
3 Yea, blessed are the "poor in spirit" who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 And again, blessed are all they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
5 And blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
6 And blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost.
7 And blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
8 And blessed are all the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
9 And blessed are all the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.

I wondered at the wording of "poor in spirit". I cross-referenced this phrase that brought me to...

3 Nephi 12:3 (which had almost the exact wording in it)

Find Rest
Also D&C 56:18  "Blessed are the poor who are pure in heart, whose hearts are broken, and whose spirits are contrite, for they shall see the kingdom of God coming in power and great glory unto their deliverance; for the fatness of the earth shall be theirs."

I felt that this was an answer to my question, worry, and misunderstanding that I've had all my life. But, especially since Terik passed away. As Christians we hear all the time that if we will just turn to God that our trials will be taken, we will find true happiness and joy. This used to ring true to me and was a comfort to me in times when I felt very low. But ever since Terik passed away this has become a sharp knife; a dagger to my heart. I have wondered, "how can this be? How come when Terik was turning to God, seeking his help, he did not receive relief from his "poor spirit" (deep depression)?" I thought of how hard Terik strove each day to draw close to the Lord. After he received his patriarchal blessing, he read, reread, highlighted, and cross referenced it to the scriptures. This is more than I have ever done in the 24 years since I received my own patriarchal blessing. Terik always set lots of goals, read his scripture's, said his prayers, reminded us to do Family night, and put positive quotes and scriptures up in his room to help him remember the things that were important to him. He worked harder than most anyone I know, and definitely any teenager I've ever met. This is why the belief that we will have a "feeling of perfect love, peace, and a fullness of joy, if we are turning to Christ", kept bothering me so much. I believe Terik was the epitome of turning to Christ.  I felt as I read these scriptures they were speaking directly  to me about Terik! He was "poor of spirit"  heavy, broken, and depressed. Yet he was the most pure in heart person I have ever known. His heart was broken and his spirit was contrite. He would always mourn with those that were struggling in any way, including his own mother (especially in the few months right before he passed away). He was meek, humble, kind. He always hungered and thirsted after righteousness. He was merciful towards everyone. He gave instantaneous forgiveness. He would forgive his parents, siblings, and friends quickly, even if we didn't ask for it or deserve it. I never heard him speak an ill word towards another person and I don't think he had an enemy in the world. He was a peacemaker in our home. Yes, he had his moments of frustration with his siblings, but would quickly say sorry and start to do something fun or silly to make them laugh and have fun. He wanted everyone to be happy and would even sacrifice his own happiness to help someone else. If I had to find one phrase that defined Terik's character most perfectly, it would be "Pure in Heart".

A Child's Prayer
All of these scriptures speak peace to my soul. Why? Well it is two-fold. First, I believe Terik embodied all of these qualities. He was as perfect and good a person as any I've seen.  Reading the blessings that come to those that exemplify these traits is wonderful. Any mother would rejoice in those words when they saw their children living righteous, good lives. But when your child dies from suicide it brings into question whether all these blessings will still be his. The flood of Why's? How's? Could of's? and Should of's? rush over you.  This brings me to my second reason for finding peace in these scriptures. It never mentions anywhere in the scriptures that we won't be given more than we can handle. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 and again in Alma 13:28,  it does tell us that, if we turn to God, we will have no temptation that is too large that we can not have an escape from it.  This does not speak of trials. Some people get the trial of Cancer, Diabetes, Heart conditions, and yes even Depression. Some trials are so great that there is no escape. We endure them as best we can, relying on God every step of the way. If we rely on God, then the blessings spoken of in these verses will be ours, but never fully until after we die. My sweet Terik was "Poor of Spirit". It grieves my soul to think of all he must have endured. However, knowing the difference between trials and temptations helps us to see things in a very different light. For me, just knowing the way Terik handled the trials in his life helps me to see that he will not be denied any of the blessings promised here. For this typifies all that Terik was; who he is!!! The things I've learned this morning have given me peace of mind and deeper understanding. Whether these are true principles or my own interpretation of them, I'm not sure. But it rings true in my heart and mind. This spiritual journey I took today has been an eye opening experience. It has given me a "piece of peace". Even if it's only for a moment to get me through the day.  I will take it!