A Mother's Day talk

Hey Terik, it's  mothers day. I don't know if you realize it or can feel that I'm here, laying on Your Grave, trying to be as close to you as I possibly can. I saw your friends, Brayden, Conner, J.T., and Brendon today. I gave each one a big hug. I closed my eyes pretending it was you, but then the pain was too strong,  the realization that it wasn't you hit me. The truth that I could never hold you like that again in this life. The heartbreak of never being able to look into your eyes, to see your face and hear you say the words "Happy Mothers Day". I keep thinking that if I plead, pray, and beg enough that somehow you will come back to me. It's crazy to think that this prayer will never come true. I know that someday my pain and heartache of this life will end and I will be able to be with you once again. I know that all the pain and suffering that I feel now will be gone. Somehow it doesn't take away the fact that I miss you so much right now. You made me a mother. My first born son. My first born child. On Mother's Day 18 years ago I went into labor with you. It was about 11 o'clock at night . I thought about how wonderful it would be to have my first child be born on Mother's Day. It truly was perfect. Even though they tried to stop my labor because you were 4 1/2 weeks early. You did not want to wait another day to come to earth. I think you were so excited to come see and to be with your family.  I am so grateful everyday for the time that I got to spend with you. These last almost 18 years,  you have carried me and helped me through some of the most difficult challenges of this life, barring this one. But I do not doubt that you will be here to help me through this one also. I remember coming home after having lost our babies, Trevor and faith, and feeling my arms aching so deeply. I thought what in the would I do if I didnt have my sweet Terik to come home and fill that void in my heart and arms. The magical ability that your hugs and kisses gave me was truly amazing, it helped heal and ease my pain. I'm grateful everyday when I think about the blessing of having you there to hold during those moments of having empty arms and an empty heart.

Last Mother's Day

As I sit here in the cemetery thinking about the fact that I've lost you. I look up and see all of those around me. Are they here to mourn the loss of their mothers, wives, sisters, grandmothers, or maybe their children, like me.  It makes me want to walk around and hear everyones stories. To give them hugs and tell them I'm sorry for their loss. Because I know how their hearts are aching today. 

I know that in your life I told you what an amazing and wonderful boy you were. I'm sure you did not understand or comprehend the depth of my admiration. I don't think that you possibly could have known what a blessing and a miracle you were in my life. Unfortunately you never had the opportunity to be a father. You never got the experience of feeling of unconditional and inexpressibly deep love for your child. I'm so sorry you didn't get this chance. I hope you now know that you truly were the kindest, dearest, sweetest son that anyone could have ever imagined or hoped for. You loved me in a way few sons ever love their mothers. You respected me, hugged me, spent time with me, let me sing to you and hold you even when you got big. Most teenagers won't let their mothers be close to them any more. They tend to push them away. Thank you for never doing this to me. Thank you for allowing me to hold you. Thank you for letting me be your friend and sharing your confidences with me. All these things made me feel even closer to you. I wish, I wish, I wish, I keep saying it over and over again. I just wish I could have you back. I guess this is just my new reality. It is something I will continue to wish for, for the rest of my life. I also think this is okay and the way it probably should be. For when we love and loose those whom we have loved we never can truly be the same. We continue to feel for that day when we will see them again.

    

What Fun Memories

I laid face down on top of your grave today trying to let your body and your spirit seep into me. I'm afraid that this type of closeness, although nice,  will never satisfy having your human arms around me. I feel truly grateful for the four children that I have to go home to now. I am going to go home and wrap my arms around them and have them wrap their arms around me. Because my arms are aching.  It is a very literal, physical pain that passes through my arms straight into my heart. This is the same type of pain I had after Trevor and Faith were born. Only this hurt runs much deeper. It carries with it 18 years of memories. You filled this void for me when  I needed it and I am grateful to have my other children who can help fill that for me now. 

I love you my precious Terik and always will. You are forever a part of me. Happy Mother's Day, Thank you for being the first to make me a Mother!!!

Love, Mommy