The Roses

My heart is so heavy today I feel like I can't even move forward. My feet feel like they are made of lead. I came to Terik's grave to try to find some peace. I laid prostrate on the ground over his burial plot. Praying and pleading for him to come back. I cried until my eyes hurt and truthfully until I ran out of tissues and had to rub my nose on the grass, that wasn't very comfortable. As I sat up I saw the left over red roses we had brought him last week. We took them to him April 25th, which marked 2 months since his passing. I don't know if I can put into words  the way I am feeling, because simple words always seem so inadequate to express real emotion. Do you know what I mean? But I am going to take a shot at it. My heart is so so heavy I feel like I can't live another minute without him, or that I even want to.  I just keep wishing that I could return back and live with my Heavenly Father and my precious Terik again . I want to go home, back to that home in Heaven, where I came from. The depth of my sorrow is so intense today that it is even painful to take another breath.  My chest keeps rising and falling but it doesn't seem real, it feels shallow, distant, and I feel empty inside.

A Dozen Red Roses

As I look down at the dead, dozen red, roses before me. I start touching and then pealing off the pedals of each small head. The dark, crusty dead,  pedals crunch under my fingers. As each pedal falls I  realized the pedals on the inside are still soft, supple, and red. This seems an irony to me. I thought these roses were dead but underneath they are still beautiful and seem, to me, still living. I thought "hey, l'm like these roses.  I feel dead all the way through though. Even if I peeled off all of the outside  pedals of my hard and crusted outside exterior. That inside all you would see was the same ugly dark dryness of my broken, rock like heart." but then I thought, "Maybe you would also see that inside this heart of stone there is actually a very soft and supple heart, like the inside of these roses. Maybe it is full of so much love, compassion, beauty, and goodness but that it is hurting so much that the outsides of me is turning hard and crusted over to try and protect the inside of that aching, vulnerable, and bleeding heart. Maybe my heart is too sensitive to be able to let anything or anyone in right now, in fear that the pain will be so deep that my heart will explode, bleed-out, and I truly will not be able to live another moment." 

I do know that there is much to live for, my husband, my children, my extended family, and friends. It's amazing how in these moments though, all I can feel is the pain I'm experiencing. My own depth of despair that seems to encompass my every thought. I'm sure that is what Terik  must have experienced in those last moments before his passing. He knew he had a wonderful family, good friends, and many people in his life who loved him.  People he did not want to hurt.  People he loved but he could not see in that moment because of his own pain and suffering. I know his body was in such agony that I cannot even begin to comprehend. When I think of the way that I feel now and how my hurt must fail in comparison to his own pain, I have to let myself forgive him.  To be grateful for the time I had with him and look forward with faith to be able to see him again someday.

I look up and try to see his face

At times I truly believe that I do not want to live this life without him. But then I think of all those I love and the future I would miss, with them, if I were gone. There truly is so much to look forward to. But at moments like this, when life seems so hard, it is hard to hold on to that. I am starting to see that the further away it gets from his passing, the farther away he feels. Somehow I want to hold on to him, to hold onto the past, to the memories of joy and happiness I had with him. The farther away his death becomes, in the aspect of time, the more unrealistic it seems and the less real he becomes to me. This makes me feel like he is slipping away from me. I do not want this, it scares me. I want to hold on to the smell of him, to the sound of his laughter ringing in my ears, and the feel of his hands in mine. I keep wanting to run backwards in time clinging to those memories that keep getting  dimmer with each passing day. I do think that someday I will be able to stop trying to live in the past, the past where I am trying to feel closer to him. That place where he used to be there everyday. Where I could hold him, talk to him, hug him, rock him, comfort him and make him feel safe, protected, and happy. I wish I could go back to those moments I wish it with all my heart. but I also understand that this is a non-reality. That I will never get to go back to the way things were. I want to start feeling closer to him by looking forward and thinking, "every day I live,  I'm one step closer to seeing him again." with a sure faith that, THAT DAY WILL COME. I  will continue trying each moment to move forward, to let go and to let God. I know he will continue to take care of me, and to take care of my family. Whether we know or believe He is there or not. He is always there.  Doing this will allow us to find healing in this horrible heartache, pain, and terrible lost. I hope that like these roses I will be able to peel off the crusty parts of my exterior being. That I will firmly plant the roots of my soul into the depths of the Savior's soil.  I know He can heal me and make me whole. He will make me blossom and be more beautiful than I was before. I know this is true, that he can do this for me or anyone else, if we let him. It doesn't mean it will be easy. I know that it will take work, heartache, time, and patience. But on days like today when all other things seem broke and full of despair, He is the one solid thing I cling to, that helps me to hold on. That helps me get through the next breath.