6 months? What?

6 months! The world lost a remarkable young man who still had a bright future, so much life left to live.  Terik took his life by suicide 6 months ago today. Well, actually I figured out that even though it's 6 months from February 25th to August 25th it will actually be half a year on Thursday August 27th. I'm not sure why this mattered to me but for some strange reason it just did.

I know I've mentioned this before and have tried to figure out in my head why it is even a thing but I get so sad the farther it gets away from Terik's passing. Don't I want time to pass quickly? Won't that make my healing process, progress more quickly? Doesn't the passing of time just help bring me closer to the time I get to see him again? These are all very valid and true statements but then there is the part of me that is like, "HEY, my life has stopped here, how is the world still spinning? How in the heck has it already been 6 months?" The pain is as intense as the day I found out he was gone. I can still feel the constricting feeling in my throat and the tightening of my stomach, the drop of my knees, and the wish for death to consume me also, to relieve me from this excruciating pain, every time I think of the moment when I saw those 2 police cars parked outside my house. I definitely do not pretend to even slightly understand this turmoil and the fight I have within myself about "TIME". I guess it is just another one of those things that I need to embrace, try to get use to, and find a way to live with.

The Best Big Brother "EVER"

I started off this morning with a heartfelt prayer, well honestly it was really more of a plea to God, to be able to get through the day. I gave thanks to him for letting me enjoy Terik's beautiful spirit  for almost 18 years. Then as I started to think on this, on the time we have spent together. I remembered all the wonderful moments of talking, laughing, singing, reading, and playing games. I thought of late night talks, watching Brian Reagan and laughing until our cheeks hurt. Watching a thunderstorm together and squealing with delight when an extra large lighting flash would  brighten up the whole sky, followed by a LOUD CRACK ripping through the otherwise quiet night, and one of us shouting out, "DID YOU SEE THAT ONE"? Sitting next to each other on the couch, his head leaned on my shoulder, and watching a movie. (He never got to old to give his mom loves). Midnight talks after a date or hanging out with friends and him smiling and telling us all about it.  The times when he would sit and talk to a group of my friends or other adults, totally engaged and feeling completely comfortable. I believe he actually loved it! As these memories flooded over me,  my heart felt full and heavy at the same time. I felt so grateful for having known him and the fullness he brought to my life. Yet the Heaviness of his loss bearing down at the same time. For all the hopes and dreams and future memories that have been ripped from me.  The loss of Terik is so excruciatingly painful!!! My thoughts then turned to Trevor and Faith. They are my babies who died just hours after their birth. I thought about how much I cried and hurt after they died in their infancy. A new recollection came over me in a way that I am not sure I can fully put into words. But I'll do my best....

I realized that if I had lost Terik in his infancy It would have been so tragic. How painful it is to think, "Oh wow, what if Terik had died in infancy? What if I had not had those 18 years with him!" That would have been an even greater tragedy. I am so grateful for every single moment. Every good and bad time we spent together (most of them being good ). I had a strong unexpected pain, overwhelming and all consuming, come over me. I thought about the tragedy and loss I felt of not getting the opportunity to have Trevor and Faith live for some period of time with me. How I wished they could have lived 6 months, 2 years, 10 years, any amount of time that would have given me more experiences and more memories with them. Before, I had always thought of it as a blessing that I had not lost them at age 3 or 5 years old. I felt, at the time, that it would have been so much harder to have loved them for a longer period of time and then have them ripped from me. But I realized today that I have a deep pain and longing for all the missed out TIME! I was robbed precious time with my babies. It breaks my heart because just as I would love to have 1 more day, 1 more year, or another decade with Terik. I also felt this great desire to have been able to have 1 more day, 1 more year, 1 more decade with Trevor and Faith. I am not sure this is a good or bad discovery today but It was definitely very eye opening for me. It made me realize how precious my interactions with other people are. How precious each moment is. I am grateful for every breath that my loved ones take,  for it is one more second they are here with me. If I would have been given the choice to have lost my precious Terik at Birth or at age 17 1/2, of course I would choose the latter.  Having Terik die has given me a greater perspective into something I never would have understood in any other way. I now know that I would have cherished and been grateful for every day I could have held those babies, loved them.  I'm not sure I could ever portray this experience in a way that would give it the full depth and meaning that it so intensely fell upon me today, at least not with my limited ability to communicate.

One year ago today! So cute, sassy, and fun!

I went and sat at Terik's grave and talked to him for a few minutes. I then decided I needed to go to the last place I knew he stood before he died. I drove to the little park, where he had left his car, and where he must have sat, cried, suffered, and thought. I asked right out loud "What happened here Terik? Please help me to have a glimpse into your mind, into that day, help me understand a little more?" Thank goodness the park was totally empty or that might have felt a bit awkward ;)  I brought some letters that were sent to us by friends and family that talked about Terik. They were ones that I had yet to have the courage to read. I decided it was time to open a few.  I sat on the grass in the shade and started to read the first story which was from Terik's cousin Porter. It was so sweet and tender, the tears began to freely fall. I could feel the sincerity in his words and the depth of love he had for Terik. My thoughts were interrupted by the rumbling of the ground and then the roaring sound approaching. My heart pounded inside of me like a base drum, then whoosh a passenger train flew by at 70 mph. Something inside of me cracked in that moment. I fell to my knees and sobbed and sobbed. My insides felt like they were trying to jump out and be freed from the pain of my soul. I'm not sure how long I was there but long enough that I gave the grass enough water for a week, I'm sure. I then continued to read several more letters. Things people remembered about Terik. The good things he had done, the way he had touched someones life, the times he included someone that looked a little down or alone. It gave me such joy to see that others had recognized his goodness and that it wasn't just me, a prejudice mother, thinking he was/is a precious spirit! Even though the experience of sitting in this place where Terik had last been, where he died, and where I know he suffered much was a difficult heart wrenching thing to do. I believe it was also a very healing moment for me too. It helped me face some fears I had been holding in. It helped me talk to him in a very candid way and have a little glimpse into my sons eyes. I kept wishing somehow I could run up onto the tracks, turn back time and pull him off those rails. If only life was a little more like movies and fairy tales then I could totally make that happen.  :)

I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for all my amazing family members and friends who called, text, brought flowers, treats, and dinner for our family today. Thank you all for being so good to me and our family. You are wonderful and I hope you know how much we love you!!!  We are so very blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people who do not just forget about us and think, "Hey, it's been 6 months I'm sure they are doing lots better." I am so blessed to have a loving support system that have given me help all along the way.

As a final note.  I was listening to Pandora radio this morning and the song "Blessings" by Laura Story came on. I started to bawl as I thought about how this song related to me and to my baby boy Terik. Here are some of the lyrics and a link to a place you can listen to the song if you would like. 


We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

The Link for the Song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

Sometimes it is hard for me to find a silver lining in any trial but especially this one. This song however gave me a feeling for both Terik and I, and everyone else on this earth. We have had very hard things placed in our path. We would never wish them to happen. We would do anything we could to change it and make it better, but what if? What if one day I get to Heaven and I see that this whole trial was a true blessing in disguise? This is the silver lining I am trying and choosing to hold on to today. I will probably never understand the depth or purpose behind Terik's suffering or now mine and my families, but I choose to cling to the hope that God knows me, He knows Terik, He knows all of His children and he will bless them in every way He can, to help them become who they need to be. But sometimes those lessons are learned only through heartache and suffering. This is something that is maybe easy to say but harder to fully internalize and then try to hold fast to. I am going to try to do it, even if it's just for a minute.